The international break made us do it.
Listen, in theory international football is great. The best players from each country coming together to compete against one another for world domination. It’s like Avengers Assemble but with sillier haircuts. If it didn’t exist they’d have to invent it.
Alas in reality, it’s a bit rubbish. And by ‘a bit’ we mean ‘a lot’. It can be mind-numbingly dull, and an inconvenient break from the real business of Premier League football most of us actually care about. Most fans just don’t want their players injured.
We’ll be straight with you, it’s a bit of an inconvenience for us too. We want to inform and entertain you with the latest news and views about the beautiful game, but it’s slim pickings during the ‘interlull’. So we’ve had to resort to this. It’s not our fault.
Utilising the only real options open to us – photoshop skills and very troubled minds – we decided to replace regulations size 5 balls in football images with other objects. Because basically, why not? It’s the international break so blame that, not us…
Cristiano Ronaldo kicking an adorable kitten called Bandit
Does his vanity know no limit? Angered by the attention this loveable feline is receiving, Ronaldo does the unthinkable…
Lionel Messi kicking Pikachu
Not to be outdone, Ronaldo’s great rival Messi retaliates in kind by absolutely twatting a rogue Pokémon…
Neymar kicking an unexploded bomb out of harm’s way
Not all heroes wear capes, but they do sometimes have peroxide blonde hair. Ney acts because someone ruddy has to…
Zlatan Ibrahimovic kicking a large dog turd
Only the enigmatic Swede could do away with a fresh canine poo with such style. No plastic bag required. Classic Zlatan…
Luis Suarez kicking the filthy habit of smoking
Smoking kills! Consider Suarez launching his last ever packet of fags firmly into his past as a warning kids – don’t do it!
Gareth Bale kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse
Let’s face it, after his reckless lunge on John O’Shea, Bale is capable of anything. He even called him Len, the little prick!
David Beckham kicking a piñata that he failed to break open with his hands
He’s a smart cookie is Becks. Kicking a piñata will only increase his popularity amongst Latino soccer fans in the States. Someone give him a knighthood!
Eden Hazard kicking an adorable puppy called Charlie
We’ve all heard the term: ‘A dog is for life, not just for Christmas’. Well according to Eden, it’s also for curling into the top corner with the keeper helpless…
Cesc Fabregas kicking himself for missing an open goal
This one’s especially for Arsenal fans. Fabregas kicking Fabregas in the ultimate act of self-flagellation (we really hope that means what we think it means…)
Ryan Giggs kicking a newborn baby
Yep. We’ve probably gone too far with this one, haven’t we? Roll on the return of proper football…
