This is an exclusive.
It's a crisp January morning. The sky is threatening to rain and there's a palpable vibe among commuters that they can make it into work right before the downpour arrives if they move quickly.
I'm in no rush, I've got all the time in the world. I'm sitting on a park bench beside an elderly man that's feeding some pigeons nearby. The pigeons seem to recognise him, if that's even possible. It's like they knew he'd be here and are fighting over his generous fistfuls of breadcrumbs as they do every day. It's a game to them, and he is their ringleader.
Out of the corner of my eye, I sense two shapes coming into focus. I turn expectantly, but it's a false alarm. A young couple rushing to work. One of them was having a smoothie 'on the go'. Tosser.
Suddenly, I feel a gentle scratching sensation on my lower left leg. They're here.
Atom and Humber are here.
Me: Atom, Humber, it's a pleasure to meet you both.
Atom: You too!
Humber: Thanks for asking us to do this.
Me: Absolutely, it's an honour. Thanks so much for agreeing. I'm a huge fan.
Atom: This is actually our first ever interview!
Humber: Well, first official one.
Me: Wow, that's hard to believe. I'm very grateful. Okay, let's get stuck in. How are you both feeling about Alexis signing for United?
Atom: Honestly, and this might sound selfish, but we have to put ourselves first. I'm not keen on it. I know Humber disagrees with me, but I want to stay put. Things are peachy in London. We get to sit on the couches without any covers underneath us, eat some good food and if you'll allow me to brag, neither of us have had an accident on the carpet in months. There's a huge park near the house and our neighbours sometimes give us treats. It's bliss.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNHoi5pgFcy/?hl=en&taken-by=alexis_officia1
Me: Humber, you don't agree?
Humber: Look, I fancy a bit of a change. I'm bored. I want to go sniffing some fresh backsides up North. It's a new challenge for us all. Alexis wouldn't lead us astray. Plus, there's some nice beaches up there. Remember we saw that movie, Atom? It looked delightful. I don't understand why you're not excited.
Atom: Humber, I'm not going to explain this again:
Manchester by the Sea was set in Manchester, Massachusetts. It's in America.
Humber: We're moving to America?
Me: No. United train in Manchester, England. Anyway, let's talk about Alexis. What's he like off the pitch?
Atom: He's great, he takes care of us impeccably and we give him undying affection and endless Instagram content in return. Win or lose, he's always our champ. Our Niño Maravilla.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUem3gOFXvE/?hl=en&taken-by=alexis_officia1
Me: That's adorable. But we do need to address the topless Instagrams, if that's alright.
Humber: Look, we're dogs. Obviously we're going to be topless most of the time...
Atom: No, I think she's referring to Alexis. Look, his social media following is important to him. We wouldn't be the world's most famous dogs without it. If Alexis wants to parade his physique on Instagram every so often, who are we to judge? We came to a pretty decent compromise where myself and Humber have our own personal
Instagram now, just for the fans. It's the best of both worlds as people can decide if they want to see us with or without Alexis.
https://twitter.com/Born_a_gooner/status/873595335247101954
Me: That's a good compromise. What was it like seeing yourselves on a banner at the Emirates Stadium?
Humber: That was a big day. I've personally never been on a banner before, nor has Atom. It's just not something we ever expected. Sure, we've done a dog food commercial before but-
Me: Hang on, you've done a dog food commercial?
Atom: Yeah, with Alexis. I think it aired in Chile?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2C0MPL_q0I
Me: Incredible. How was that experience?
Humber: I nailed it.
Atom: We both did. It was a lot of fun. We licked Alexis' face, ran around, wore sunglasses and ate lots of food.
Me: Fantastic. Can I ask if you were happy with the remuneration?
Atom: Obviously we can't disclose the payment, but let's just say our bellies were sufficiently rubbed.
Humber: And filled. We got steak!
Me: Delicious. So tell me, how have things been at home lately?
Humber: We had a good Christmas and 2018 is already off to a great start. Last night, we played fetch for twenty minutes non-stop.
Me: Oh yeah, tell me about Christmas...
https://www.instagram.com/p/BbAPy3rlpKA/?hl=en&taken-by=alexis_officia1
Atom: Well, you might've seen that we got Christmas jumpers. Some people said they were sent to convince Alexis to stay with Arsenal, but as we've learned today, it clearly didn't f**king work. Sorry for swearing.
Humber: I peed on my jumper by accident.
Me: Was it really an accident?
Humber: No. I have no love in my heart for the Gunners.
Me: Ouch. Let's leave that one there. So what does the future hold for Atom and Humber?
Atom: Well, we're going to have to up sticks and move to bloody Manchester now. We'll have clowns like Jesse Lingard hanging out around the house, putting us on his Instagram stories without consent and just generally being very loud and excitable.
Humber: Jesse Lingard? Who's she?
Atom: Idiot. Look, I'm annoyed about the whole thing. I'll miss Wenger. He let us hang around the training ground, always included our names on the Christmas cards and gave us weird French dog biscuits that tasted like alcohol. He's a nice guy and he's been good to Alexis. This new guy sounds like a grump. What kind of name is Marino anyway?
Me: Mourinho.
Atom: Yeah, that's what I said. Anyway, he's a moan.
Humber: He took his team out to Dubai for warm weather training last week. That could be us, Atom. We'd get to go traveling with Alexis. Forget about that other guy. Wenger out!
Atom: As if he'd bring us. We're going to be on Marino's long list of things to blame when they lose, right behind the weather, corrupt referees and fixture scheduling. It's going to be a nightmare.
Me: Wow, you seem genuinely upset?
Atom: I'm just scared of change. Alexis has been at Arsenal for three and a half years, but that's almost 25 years for me and Humber. We just want to have a nice time together as a family.
Humber: I want to go to Manchester. Oasis formed there. They have a guy called Bonehead in the band. Imagine that, an entire head made out of a bone...
Atom: Please excuse my brother. He spends too much time sitting next to the microwave. Also I'm pretty sure the only reason he wants to go to Manchester is so he can hang out with Rashford's dogs. I spotted him creeping on his Instagram. He liked this picture:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKDWEAbh1B-/?hl=en&taken-by=marcusrashford
Humber: That's not true, those dogs mean nothing to me. Anyway, you only want us to stay with Arsenal so you can continue to fail at befriending Mesut's dog. I saw you liking this post:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSbbtj6haUc/?hl=en&taken-by=m10_official
Atom: "Fail at befriending", that's a lie. We're already mates. Close enough that he told me they're probably going to move out to Manchester and join us in the summer!
Humber: ...
Atom: I've said too much. Please don't include that in the transcript.
[At this point the dogs started bickering and making crass remarks about a variety of players on both the Arsenal and Man United teams, I've omitted this as I can't risk the allegations of slander. I asked them to stop but they refused to set aside their differences to continue the interview].
Me: Listen boys, we'll wrap it up there. Thanks so much for taking the time to speak to me. I wish you all the best on your new adventure and I really hope it all works out for you both.
Atom: Thanks.
Humber: Hey will you include that picture of us on the boat?
Me: Sure.
Humber: Sweet!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUzmRJKA8MU/?taken-by=atomhumberoficia1
Atom: Idiot. Look, I'm annoyed about the whole thing. I'll miss Wenger. He let us hang around the training ground, always included our names on the Christmas cards and gave us weird French dog biscuits that tasted like alcohol. He's a nice guy and he's been good to Alexis. This new guy sounds like a grump. What kind of name is Marino anyway?
Me: Mourinho.
Atom: Yeah, that's what I said. Anyway, he's a moan.
Humber: He took his team out to Dubai for warm weather training last week. That could be us, Atom. We'd get to go traveling with Alexis. Forget about that other guy. Wenger out!
Atom: As if he'd bring us. We're going to be on Marino's long list of things to blame when they lose, right behind the weather, corrupt referees and fixture scheduling. It's going to be a nightmare.
Me: Wow, you seem genuinely upset?
Atom: I'm just scared of change. Alexis has been at Arsenal for three and a half years, but that's almost 25 years for me and Humber. We just want to have a nice time together as a family.
Humber: I want to go to Manchester. Oasis formed there. They have a guy called Bonehead in the band. Imagine that, an entire head made out of a bone...
Atom: Please excuse my brother. He spends too much time sitting next to the microwave. Also I'm pretty sure the only reason he wants to go to Manchester is so he can hang out with Rashford's dogs. I spotted him creeping on his Instagram. He liked this picture:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKDWEAbh1B-/?hl=en&taken-by=marcusrashford
Humber: That's not true, those dogs mean nothing to me. Anyway, you only want us to stay with Arsenal so you can continue to fail at befriending Mesut's dog. I saw you liking this post:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSbbtj6haUc/?hl=en&taken-by=m10_official
Atom: "Fail at befriending", that's a lie. We're already mates. Close enough that he told me they're probably going to move out to Manchester and join us in the summer!
Humber: ...
Atom: I've said too much. Please don't include that in the transcript.
[At this point the dogs started bickering and making crass remarks about a variety of players on both the Arsenal and Man United teams, I've omitted this as I can't risk the allegations of slander. I asked them to stop but they refused to set aside their differences to continue the interview].
Me: Listen boys, we'll wrap it up there. Thanks so much for taking the time to speak to me. I wish you all the best on your new adventure and I really hope it all works out for you both.
Atom: Thanks.
Humber: Hey will you include that picture of us on the boat?
Me: Sure.
Humber: Sweet!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUzmRJKA8MU/?taken-by=atomhumberoficia1
