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24th Aug 2016

Congratulations everyone, we’ve finally found the most ridiculous transfer rumour ever

Surely, surely not...

Simon Lloyd

Seriously, football, just fuck off.

Down the years, there have been some magnificently bad transfer rumours, but not even a large bag of hallucinogenic drugs would be enough to convince many of us that Mario Balotelli is on the cusp of a move to Manchester United.

But if you believe what you read on the famously pink pages of La Gazzetta dello Sport, this is a transfer that is very much a possibility before the summer’s out.

The Italian paper claim that Jose Mourinho is open to signing Balotelli, who just so happens to be a client of Mino Raiola – agent to United’s new signings Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Paul Pogba.

Apart from Raiola and the fact that Mourinho managed Balotelli during the early years of his career at Inter Milan, there’s absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that a move to Old Trafford is going to happen.


For a start, United seems quite blessed as far as attacking options go this year. Ibrahimovic is already finding the net with ease, and the likes of Anthony Martial and Marcus Rashford demonstrated throughout last season that they’re quite capable when leading the line.

Secondly, there’s the fact that he’s currently on the books at Liverpool, a club that wouldn’t dream of selling a player of any sort to their greatest ever rivals. ‘Anything is possible,’ Gazzetta claim… Sure. Perhaps Wayne Rooney will tattoo ‘YNWA’ on his forehead and move in the opposite direction? Anything is possible, right?

Finally, there’s the fact that for the last few seasons, Balotelli has been, for want of a better word, shit.

Expect these words to go viral when Balotelli steps out of a Chevrolet at United’s training ground next week…

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