Sports, am I right?
It is with a heavy heart we must inform you that Scotland have lost to Malawi at the Commonwealth Games Gold Coast 2018 by one measly goal.
You don’t need to be a netball enthusiast to recognise drama. The final twelve seconds of play were gripping and will likely be turned into an Oscar-worthy movie in the coming years.
Watch the video here, then come back to us.
Now, let’s dissect this drama in excruciating detail for inexplicable reasons.
Act I, Scene I – Determination
This all starts with a goal being scored by Scotland. Not just any goal, a goal that takes their hopes and dreams one step closer to fruition. The Malawians are, to use an internet term, shooketh. Two members of their team are dumbfounded, with hands on hips giving off a sure sign of frustration. They had this in the bag. 51-49 with 12 seconds to go. ‘Start the bus, coach. We’re heading home for an early night’. But then Scotland happened. They scored a crucial goal, much like in The Mighty Ducks when Gunnar Stahl from Team Iceland steps up to take a penalty (except pretend that he actually scored).
Act I, Scene II – Hope
Scotland’s finest netballers are visibly experiencing mixed emotions. The girl on the left is keeping a level head. Scoring two further goals in a meagre ten seconds is going to be tough, it’s going to take some kind of miracle to make this happen. The girl in the middle believes. She has faith in her teammates. ‘Those Malawians aren’t going to know what’s hit them by the time the clock reaches 0:00’, she shouts to her team. The girl on the right has already won. Her mind is elsewhere, sipping champagne out of the winner’s trophy. She’s hanging out the side of an open top bus driving 5mph through her hometown with her teammates, the awaiting crowd are going nuts. She locks eyes with Bitchy Bethany from primary school and shouts “Who’s the loser now, eh?”. Bethany pretends not to hear her, but she does. She’s gutted. It’s a solid burn.
Act II, Scene I – Sabotage
“A deliberate delay of play”, the umpire repeats himself twice. The Malawians were deliberately delaying play, according to this very pale man. In fairness, this isn’t some friendly yet competitive P.E. class, this is the fucking Commonwealth Games. If you’re going to deliberately delay play, young lady, you’re going to be penalised accordingly. She’s in disbelief, but is it an act? There’s only two people that will ever truly know whether this Malawian netballer was deliberately delaying play and that’s herself and the Lord. Her expression suggests incredulity, but it could well be a bluff. The Commonwealth Games are notorious for sneaky tactics. One year, a weightlifter was using styrofoam instead of weights. He was sentenced to death by guillotine.
Act II, Scene II – Frustration
The Malawian coaches have taken this deliberate delay of play accusation to heart. The guy on the left has jumped to his feet, he is not taking this news sitting down, his perfectly crisp salmon shirt only adding to the frustration. The man in the middle is livid. His brain hasn’t fully processed the display that’s just taken place, and perhaps it never will. He didn’t come all this way to have his girls accused of deliberately delaying play. “That is simply not the way of the Malawian people”, he shouts at the exact volume his sweat patches suggest. The lady on the right is in a similar boat, except she’s trying to work out if the umpire would be better off shaving his head altogether because there’s not a lot of hair left to work with as is. It’s a confusing time for all involved.
Act III, Scene I – The Penalty
This pivotal scene is where things really start to get up Malawi’s nose. They’ve had it. Enough is enough. In their eyes, there was no deliberate delay of play and there was certainly no cause for a penalty to then be awarded to those pesky Scots. They’re about ready to wrap things up here. Everyone is trying to sabotage their chances of victory and they’ve had a bellyful of it by now. Malawi’s official motto is Unity & Freedom. The umpire and Scottish team are uniting to conspire against them. Their freedom is in jeopardy. If this was a movie, coach Tom Hanks would be crying right now in a scene that will be shown as they announce his name when he’s nominated for several awards. Meryl Streep will shed a tear every single time.
Act III, Scene II – The SECOND Penalty
After fumbling the first penalty, the ironically named Bethan Goodwin is given a second chance at the mercy of the umpire. Again, she fluffs it. The clock is at zero. She’s ruined Scotland’s chance at equalising in the final second of the game. It’s over. Their dreams have been shattered. The room is filled with a heavy mix of emotion. Scottish fans feel hard done by, Malawian fans are ecstatic about the win, but still angry over the abundance of favours that Scotland appear to have been afforded in the game’s final moments. This is the exactly the level of drama that movie makers crave, but so rarely successfully replicate. You can bet your sweet ass Scorsese was watching this game, furiously taking notes with a blunt pencil and sheet of freshly cut papyrus.
Act IV, Scene I – The Aftermath
It’s not immediately obvious here, but the incredibly sweaty man from earlier is actually quite pleased once the final whistle goes. He’s just got one of those faces that doesn’t emote well. Alas, justice has prevailed. There shan’t be an elephant milked in Malawi tonight, for the country will celebrate its deserving heroes. Karma will always find a way. The lady to the right is screaming because she just realised who the umpire looks like, it’s that guy off The Bill. The awkward one, soft little face, definitely a good cop. REG! His name was Reg! Blimey, what a world we live in. Sport truly has the power to unite us all.
Act IV, Scene II – Goodwin’s Bad Loss
After missing the second penalty and third goal shot overall in the space of ten seconds, Goodwin legs it at the final whistle. She can’t bare to face her teammates or congratulate the Malawians. She’s devastated, or potentially needs to catch the last bus home. It’s not exactly clear. Maybe she has another match on the other side of town, it’s not for me to speculate. But presumably, the girl is quite upset. She shouldn’t be, as this was simply God’s plan. This will drive the Scots to train harder. They will be unstoppable. One day, Goodwin will get her good win. ‘Today’s tears are tomorrow’s sweat’, she tells herself. A nearby sportsperson overhears but deems it best not to pull her up on the inaccuracy of such a dumb statement as she’s visibly upset.
Act IV, Scene III – Revenge
Although the above image isn’t particularly high definition, you can still make out the girls’ eyes and what lies beneath them. A fire has been ignited and it has started to burn. These girls will protect Goodwin to the death. Sure, she’s run off for a moment, but soon they’ll be huddled around her like a girls’ nightclub formation when a creep is getting too close to one of them. The Malawian netball team will pay for what they have done, which is basically having won fairly. The Scots are heading straight to a tattoo shop to get ’50-51′ etched into their bodies. They will return to the next Commonwealth Games with a vengeance. Nobody does them dirty like that. The final scene of the movie remake will show coach Tom Hanks clenching his fist in both fury and determination. End scene.
All images via BBC
