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11th Jan 2016

10 things that are more interesting than watching Manchester United

Nooruddean Choudry

Man United are through to the fourth round of the FA Cup and sit fifth in the Premier League, nine points off top spot.

That one-sentence summary of the club’s current situation was probably more pulsating and thrilling than watching Louis van Gaal’s side on the pitch this season.

Stoke City v Manchester United - Premier League : News Photo

Such is the painful tedium on show at Old Trafford that we’ve compiled a list of things that are infinitely more interesting than watching 11 red shirts slowly kill football.

    1. Louis van Gaal’s press conferences, in which he shows more passion, flair, aggression and emotion than his team ever do.
    2. People who have no expertise or qualifications in the study of body language telling you exactly what Ryan Giggs is thinking by how often he sneezes.
    3. The groundbreaking news that Man United have entered into another exciting sponsorship deal with Vietnam’s premium toothpick manufacturer.
    4. Dave Whelan explaining how he broke his leg playing for Blackburn Rovers against Wolverhampton Wanderers in the 1960 FA Cup final.
    5. Michael Owen telling you something you already knew in the most obvious way possible while somehow still managing to be wrong.


    1. Working out which transfer rumours linking United to Bale/Ronaldo/Neymar are the result of Ed Woodward briefing his favourite journalists in order to ‘optimise brand exposure’.
    2. Your sick-looking neighbour explaining the merits of their vegan diet, and going into great detail about how their Christmas Day nut roast was an absolute triumph.
    3. Raymond Verheijen explaining how the injuries that your club are currently experiencing are a direct result of your club not hiring Raymond Verheijen to advise on injuries.
    4. Watching paint dry.
    5. Someone telling you about that time they watched paint dry.

    Time to start painting