This is a breaking news story
It has emerged that Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Theresa May, scrapes mould off the top of her jam and then eats the good part underneath.
This revelation came during a recent cabinet meeting with her most senior ministers as they were discussing how to reduce food waste.
These are the facts. This is all that we know right now.
Naturally, we've got some questions that need answering, preferably immediately.
Question 1: Is this a very fucking gross thing to do?
Forget about the expert definition of mould and whether or not removing it is an okay thing to do. Let's first look at the concept of something going off. If you take out a slice of bread and it looks like Flubber has ejaculated all over it, you're generally going to briefly squeal at the horror of having touched it, then bin it with a mild level of aggression.
Certainly if this mould is on any kind of meat, poultry or fish, scraping it off just isn't an option. That's going straight in the outside bin. But now we come to trickier territories. What if it's a box of chocolates and they've got some slight discolouration, nothing too hectic, definitely something you could partially scrape off and then test the limits of your immune system with, what then? Probably, if nobody else is around, you guzzle them right down your gullet.
But now we come to stuff like sauces, liquids, jams, seemingly non-perishable goods. If you open a jam jar and see mould, are you going to scrape the mould which is presumably all over the lid, sides of the jar and now nestled right on the top of the jam itself? It's a bit fucking gross, isn't it, to do that, and then eat the jam carefree as the day you were born. It's just honestly a bit fucking gross altogether.
Question 2: Was Theresa May lying to seem relatable and cool?
We've all done it. We have all pretended that we own a Keep Cup because we care about the environment dearly, but seem to have forgotten to bring it into the coffee shop on this particular day. We've all let on that we are students in the hopes of obtaining a cheaper cinema ticket, only to get caught out when the cashier asks to see it and instantly we must feign its misplacement.
Lying is an essential part of life. Theresa May definitely lies, probably on a daily basis. Whatever, it's her life. When she lies about important things, people get mad. But what about the tiny insignificant lies? Are they kind of okay? Is it fine for a woman of 62 years to pretend that she's eating mouldy jam, working hard to obtain it by scraping away the excess mould in a bid to seem like everyone else, but actually going too far and just seeming like a crusty person?
There are many ways that Theresa May could seem relatable to her cabinet. She could pretend to be tired after getting a poor night's sleep, complain that her hair simply won't obey the style she's trying to force upon it, or she could act like she cares about Brexit legitimately getting the best deal for the people of the UK. Perhaps the mouldy jam lie is just T-May testing the waters in seeing how good she is at lying. Or, quite simply, she is a sociopath.
Question 3: Does Theresa May say 'jam' or 'preserve'?
'Preserve' is a word reserved exclusively for people that have at some point in their lives had unrestricted access to a horse and also a trust fund. When they laugh, they fully pronounce every syllable of 'hahaha' and they all own an AGA. They have specific jackets for shooting despite never having gone shooting, and all have a very loose familial connection to Lady Isabella Hervey.
'Jam' is a word of the people. Bob Marley used it, Michael Jordan was in a movie that contained it, Harry Redknapp loves one in roly-poly form, it's a good word. The kind of person that says 'jam' would buy you a pint even though they know you're heading home after one so won't be getting a round in. They drive a car that sometimes breaks down, they sometimes litter on a night out, they listen to East 17 at Christmas. They do not respect the monarchy.
So which one is Theresa May? Does she say 'preserve', or does she say 'jam'? Obviously, the woman has never said 'jam' in her life. As a result, we may have to disqualify the entire statement as it's already proving to be a red flag. Colloquialisms just don't suit a Prime Minister. We learned that during Love Actually when Hugh Grant called Margaret Thatcher a 'saucy minx'.
Question 4: What does Theresa May actually use jam for?
The average person can use jam in many ways, all of which are acceptable. You can put it on toast, spoon a lump into your porridge, make some tarts, slather it over some bread, even eat it by the spoonful if you so wish. But what does the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom use jam for?
Based on nothing more than instinct alone, I am fully confident that Theresa May puts jam atop some clotted cream on a scone. She then accompanies it with an incredibly milky cup of tea and probably a very low-tier biscuit such as a McVitie's Fruit Shortcake. While this is taking place, the PM watches Midsomer Murders and chews with her mouth painfully shut.
So given that Theresa May probably uses her jam, or 'preserve', in an incredibly Tory way, why is she pretending that she's not above consuming it even when it's gone mouldy? Jam has a pretty hefty shelf life at about 1-2 years. Is she implying that she's far too busy running the country to finish an entire pot of jam in two years? Or is she saying that her annual salary of £150k hasn't gone to her head and she's perfectly happy consuming mouldy food? No YOU'RE looking into this too much.
Question 5: Was this actually just a very poor euphemism?
It feels like T-May was trying to be clever but has somehow ended up bodying herself in the process. Scraping mould off something to get the good stuff underneath kind of feels like she's taking a bit of a stance against society. The elite are ruining everything, but if you work hard enough, you can bypass them to get to the true backbone of society, the everyday people who are yet to become covered in fungi.
Basically if you look into this hard enough, you will find that Theresa May has bodied herself and basically admitted that she is scum. The British public are sitting idly by, being held back by an inept government making poor choices to benefit themselves rather than society at large.
Or, maybe she was just sharing a fun little household tip to make people aware that mould only compromises the areas that it directly touches. You can in fact scrape mould off your jam and eat the clean part underneath, and live to tell the tale. It's a good way to reduce on food waste, but also you could maybe just avoid buying jam if you can't consume it before it passes its use-by date. Luckily, after Brexit jam will probably stop being available in the UK anyway, along with every other food product, medical supply and clean water, so nobody will have to face this problem again :)
