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11th January 2018
09:27am GMT

The former leader of North Korea is rarely referred to as simply Kim Jong-il in his homeland. He amounted no fewer than 54 special titles during his reign, which were developed by the Central Committee of the Workers' Party.
But which of these titles is the very best? Sure, it might be nice to be referred to as a 'Father of the People', but sometimes you're feeling more like an 'Amazing Politician' or a 'Great Man, Who Is A Man Of Deeds', or a Samantha.
I've ranked these 54 titles from worst to best because honestly, someone had to.
Sorry before we move on from the sun, it would appear that he was also the sun of the future as well. Not the future as a whole, just the communist part of it. Cool.
29. Fate of the Nation Now we're getting somewhere. Although fate is an uncontrollable thing, such was the greatness of this leader that he himself embodied all that fate is. Anything that ever happens to the nation of North Korea from this point on will henceforth be attributed to Kim Jong-il. 28. Unique Leader This seems like a sick burn by whoever came up with the title, which I respect deeply. They were asked what they thought of Kim Jong-il's leadership skills and somehow mustered up the courage to say 'unique'. 27. Respected Leader Again, a touch of a sick burn here. The title doesn't particularly shed any light on his skills nor effectiveness as a leader, it merely lets us know that he was respected. Even Logan Paul is respected by at least one person. 26. Mastermind of the Revolution A mastermind is someone that is extremely intelligent. Last year, a North Korea expert determined that Kim Jong-il had a mid-high IQ level. Does that make him a mastermind? Probably not. But would that information have stopped him from using the aforementioned title? Again, probably not. 25. Beloved and Respected General To get your Kim Jong-il title, simply pick a selection of words from the above 25 titles and mash them all together. Mine's Unique Commander Sun Father Excellency. 24. Leader of the 21st Century We get it dude, you were in charge. Frankly, I'm amazed that the number of titles attributed to KJI is as low as 54. Based on what I'm seeing on this list, they could've easily beefed it up to a respectable 400 with the help of an imaginative child. 23. Beloved and Respected Leader These are all starting to sound the same now. I am losing the will to live. This was a terrible idea. Kim Jong-il was the leader of North Korea. Get it? Got it? Good. 22. World leader of the 21st Century Poetic licence played a key role here. He was A world leader, but was he THE world leader? No. As we all know, the leader of the free world throughout the 21st century is Gemma Collins. 21. Guiding Star of the 21st Century 'Guiding Star' sounds like a song off a Coldplay album that they got Beyoncé to perform with them once at a charity gig and have to spend the rest of their performative lives explaining to crowds that she won't be singing it with them ever again because it was a once off. 20. Wise Leader Hi it's Kim Jong-il here. Did I forget to let you know that on top of everything else, I am also wise? Because I am extremely wise. They used to call me Kim Jong Know-It-All in school, such was the depth of how wise I was then and still am now, only from the grave. 19. Shining Star of Paektu Mountain Paektu Mountain is an active volcano that's over 9000ft high, as was the person that came up with this title. Why limit your shining star's reach to one single mountain. Surely 'Shining Star of the Whole World and All Who Inhabit It' would've covered more ground? 18. Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces Yeah that's fair enough, Kim Jong-il became Commander-in-Chief of the Korean People's Army. Were they revolutionary? That's up for debate, but this might be one of the most realistic titles we've seen on this list, so that's exciting. 17. Guarantee of the Fatherland's Unification This title sounds like a card you receive in a localised version of Monopoly, one that has a lot of farms on the board and underlying tensions between the townspeople. Community Chest cards have truly never been so salty. 16. Symbol of the Fatherland's Unification Same as above, except this time it's one of the pieces you use for the game. The symbol is a tiny 'Get Off My Lawn' sign. Everyone will fight to get to use that or the dog. 15. Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation It's succinct and slightly less braggy than some alternatives we've seen so far. Also, if you choose to interpret 'party' in the literal sense, that's a pretty cool title that KJI has gotten for himself. The role involves making jelly shots and bribing the neighbours with fancy bottles of wine in exchange for their silence. 14. Eternal General Secretary of the Party This is a role that has lasted a lifetime, long after Kim Jong-il's passing. Not only does he continue to arrange the parties, but he still attends both in spirit and in spirits. 13. Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander If there's a comma in the title, you know it's a good one. This beauty lets you know that Kim Jong-il was always victorious in every pursuit, he never even lost a game of Solitaire, pal. But also, what about his will? Well it was made of iron, silly. No further questions. 12. Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven Where did this guy come from? Well one night, his paren- NO! HE DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN YOU IDIOT. Also, as far as generals go, he is glorious. 11. Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship This one reads like a LinkedIn profile where someone has a fairly standard job but they've beefed up their title and workload to make it sound like they are the king or queen of all of humanity. This title has 17 syllables, ffs. 10. Invincible and Triumphant General Short and to the point, just like Kim Jong-il himself. It let the spectators know that the man they were about to witness was both invincible and triumphant, but also a general. 9. Party Central Committee This reads like the Facebook profile of an absolute LAD who can't get enough of those sweet sweet beers. He has appointed himself as the head of all parties because one simply cannot take place without his attendance. 8. Leader of the Party, the Country and the Army This title is the most honest one on the list, but it lacks a certain pizazz that the others provide. It needs a small bit of exaggeration to take it from a 9.5 to a solid 10. Might I suggest 'Epic Leader of the Party to End All Parties, the Best Country Ever and the Army That Is Good'. 7. Brilliant Leader Now we're going places. Previously, we've had Respected Leader and Unique Leader, which were blatant sick burns. But Brilliant Leader shuts up all the naysayers by evaluating his efforts, which we're being told were brilliant. Bonus points if you say it in Ron Weasley's whispery pre-pubescent voice: 'Bwillient'. 6. Great Man, Who is a Man of Deeds This one lets you know that Kim Jong-il was great, but also a man of action. What actions were those? None of your bloody business, that's what. All you need to know is that he was great. Stop being so nosy you title-less swine. 5. Great Man, Who Descended From Heaven We've previously heard of a Glorious General Who Descended From Heaven, but did you also know that he was a good man as well? Because he definitely was. It's hard to settle on such a limp evaluation as 'great', so the logic behind this one is that you distract people by also letting them know that he came from heaven. 4. Leader of the Party and the People This title also gets awarded to the person at pre-drinks that successfully rounds up everyone into a taxi to head into town. He/she will subtly carry out a headcount, then order the corresponding number of cabs to fit everyone. It's a thankless job, but at least now it has an official title. 3. Amazing Politician That Kim Jong-il was the leader of North Korea, but how were his political skills? Well might it interest you to know that he was an AMAZING POLITICIAN? Because thanks to the existence of this official title, now we can put our minds at ease. 2. Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Leader Should Have Clocking in at a beefy 15 words, this title is by far the longest one on the list, but also the second best. I can't help but imagine that the inventor of this title, a die-hard Kim Jong-il fan once overheard a skeptic saying that his appearance wasn't very suited to that of a leader, so he/she basically subtweeted the person by coming up with this insane title. Take that, troll. 1. Superior Person It says so much by saying so little. Kim Jong-il's number one title informs the masses that he believed himself to be infinitely better than everyone else. Such brazen confidence has to be acknowledged on this list. We've heard how he was the Sun of many things, invincible, triumphant, beloved and respected, but now we know that, in a nutshell, he was superior. Truly, we will never see his kind again.Explore more on these topics:

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