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03rd Oct 2018

A comprehensive breakdown of Theresa May’s inability to dance

She's *pinches nose bridge* she's done it again

Ciara Knight

She’s *pinches nose bridge* she’s done it again

Theresa May has yet again made a thorough spectacle of herself and the nation of Great Britain by attempting to dance in a public space with a heavy media presence.

If this was a performance review, she would be receiving a very poor mark having failed to learn from her previous mistakes which have very clearly shown that she is, under no circumstances whatsoever, a proficient dancer.

Alas, we have been treated to another instalment of what I am christening Epic Theresa May Dance Failure 2k18 – Part 205.

As always, there’s a lot to unpack here.

Let’s break this down to get an accurate gauge on precisely how tragic this performance was.

Act I, Scene I – Inspiration Strikes

Giddy at the prospect of smashing another Conservative Party conference combined with the undeniable banger that is ‘Dancing Queen’ ringing in her ears, Theresa May decides to put a little pep in her step in a bid to seem both relatable and incredibly fun. With all the confidence of a Dad rocking up to a wedding dance floor after he’s had precisely two beers, she takes two slightly larger steps than her natural footfall usually creates, then bounces her arms in a jovial manner and bobs her head in a non-threatening way, just enough for a tuft of hair to swing about. Her thought process at this exact moment is “Come on T-bomb, show them what you’ve got. You can dance, you can jive. Have the time of your life. Go off, sis”.

Act I, Scene II – Immediate Regret

Having almost dipped her toes into a smidge of banter, Theresa immediately checks herself. She corrects her posture and shortens her strides, similar to that of a student that’s strolled in late for class and was slapped with an immediate detention. She’s rethinking everything, paralysed with fear over the inevitable memes that will be created within minutes of this occurrence. “This is not very Prime Ministerial, but heavens, it was fun. No, I mustn’t. People are dying”. Theresa slips back into PM mode and walks precisely four steps, quick to distance herself from the misjudged moves of the past (half a second ago). She regains composure, but there’s still a look in her eye that suggests it isn’t over. Not even close.

Act I, Scene III – Return To Insanity

With the determination of a toddler that’s just been reprimanded for going outside and then proceeds to go back outside for reasons unclear to their undeveloped cerebral cortex, Theresa reenters insanity with gay abandon. Her personal pep talk did little in the way of dissuading her innermost cravings for mortification on a public scale, as she begins to dance again. In this instance, as hard as it may be, we cannot blame her. ‘Dancing Queen’ is an undeniable banger. It slaps harder than a mother reprimanding their toddler for going outside a second time having just been scolded for doing so mere moments earlier. Nobody is above the hefty grasp ABBA has over all of us. Not even the Prime Minister. These were involuntary movements.

Act II, Scene I – Seeking Approval

In what has now been deemed by experts as ‘far too long a walk to the podium, in retrospect’, Theresa takes a moment to acknowledge the fans. She’s been in a different world for the past five seconds. Her soul left her body behind, sacrificing itself as a slave to ABBA’s undeniable beats. She regains consciousness for a split second to ensure that the conference attendees are loving this display as much as she is. Her facial expression indicates that she’s pleased with the reception, which gives her the strength to continue whatever this display can be categorised as. That smile, it’s the smile of a Prime Minister who’s tragically having the time of her goddamn life. At a conference. For the Conservative Party.

Act II, Scene II – Full! Throttle!

After what feels like multiple eons, Theresa finally reaches the podium. It begins to hit home that an organic time to stop dancing would be right now. Rather than heeding the manmade signal that is a literal podium right in front of her, Theresa decides to give one last blast of whatever it is she’s doing. Half-robot, half-jiving, she does the upward portion of the famous running man dance, consisting of two slow and awkward arm rotations. How a robot would do the running man, if it consisted of a torso and also hadn’t been programmed correctly because that was Matt’s job but he had to take some time away from the project to get his opioid addiction under control. Theresa gives the crowd what she believes to be one last sliver of banter to cling onto before the speech commences.

Act II, Scene III – Expression of Gratitude

Keen to get proceedings underway and having seen at least one live music performance in her lifetime, Theresa knows that the only way to hush this blood-thirsty crowd is by acknowledging their existence whilst still being your own personal hype man. She flashes a big open-handed-open-armed salute, which allows the producers to cut to the crowd for a reaction shot, just like clockwork. This isn’t Theresa’s first rodeo. This is her personal dance performance and we’re all just spectators in the crowd. In her mind, she’s thinking “Alright, show’s over folks. There’s only so much May-onnaise to go around. We’ve got work to do. Strong and stable or whatever the bullshit slogan is”.

Act III, Scene I – The! Revival!

Not content with the display that she has put on up to this point and egged on by the crowd, Theresa goes for round two. Imagine a thought bubble framed around the word ‘Opportunity’ in the background, because that’s exactly what she’s smelling in this moment. “Sure, I’ve given them something to work with, probably enough, but what if I just went ham? What if I, Theresa May, successor to a Prime Minister that fucked a pig, just went ham at this incredibly tame and aptly named Conservative conference?”. In that moment, she becomes a drunken stag do attendee who’s just been thrown out of the pub, refused reentry to locate her jacket and is now toying with the bouncers in a bid to regain some control over them. Theresa May is a session head. She craves the adoration. This is a woman who proudly owns 100 cookbooks.

Act III, Scene II – Expression of Doubt

Fraught with instant regret, Theresa again regains composure for a moment. “Have I gone too hard? Was one dance enough? Did I overdo the arms? Is this chain a bit mayoral for a Prime Minister? Will the memes, yet again, destroy me?”, she’s visibly thinking. Theresa May, all 62 years of her, has prematurely ejaculated her personality all over the Conservative Party conference. She knows it, the audience knows it and ABBA know it, as they sing “See that girl”. We all see that girl, the one whose naughtiest act prior to this was running through a field of wheat, but today has become gingerly dancing to ABBA. In this moment, in this exact moment, she’s left with two choices. Theresa May can either go hard, or she can go home.

Act IV, Scene I – Acceptance of Fate

SHE GOES HARD! Theresa May goes for it. Her anxieties are hushed by her innate desire to be seen to enjoy the musical prowess of ABBA. She lip syncs to the line “watch that scene”, perhaps preempting the excruciating detail that this very article has gone into, in which case fair game, you got me. What we’re seeing here is Theresa May operating at full throttle. It’s her third encore. She’s hammering a heavily constructed version of herself in an attempt to seem aloof and ready to party. The crowd is loving it, as is their job. The camera crew are likely sniggering behind the lenses, perhaps a guide dog is panting in the background. This is peak Theresa May. She is giving and we are receiving. Make your memes now, kids. If you dare.

Act IV, Scene II – The Reluctant Closer

How do all great performers end their acts? With a bow? A clasp of the hands to appear humble? A kiss of the ring and a knowing point upwards towards the heavens? Or, simply, two hands outstretched in appreciation, similar to a thorough airport frisking stance. Theresa May rides the high that comes with being a Dancing Queen by showing her appreciation to the crowd, before commencing the conference. Her expression is that of an artist who has just completed the final touches of their masterpiece. Finally, it has been presented unto the awaiting fans, proud and prepped for adoration. She has done it. Theresa May has danced, against all warnings from her advisers, again. There’s only one thing left to do. “Now then, Brexit…”

Images via ITV