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Politics

09th Jun 2017

A definitive ranking of the 2017 General Election’s most bizarre candidates

You won't disagree with numero uno

Ciara Knight

I love Britain.

Amidst all the excitement of this election, it’s important that we don’t lose sight of what really matters in the political sphere, which is that David Cameron literally fucked a pig and we as a nation don’t talk about it enough.

Porking aside, we were introduced to some delightfully colourful characters during this election and I couldn’t be happier about it. I love every single one of them as if they were my very own.

Let’s rank these newly inducted national treasures.

4. Bobby ‘Elmo’ Smith

Bobby is a fathers’ rights activist and he founded the ‘Give Me Back Elmo’ party, which he’s using to change the law in family courts. He came to prominence during the 2015 election as he stood in the Witney constituency alongside David Cameron.

He’s a 35-year-old father who’s using his own experiences to reform the family courts with his one-man party. The name ‘Elmo’ came about after he merged his daughters’ names.

Bobby has said that he wants to “raise awareness of the lack of fathers’ rights in the country. It is a problem that has been going on for years” and to be honest, if the presence of Sesame Street‘s best character doesn’t help, then frankly nothing else will.

He’s looking for change and will continue with his campaign until that happens, much to the delight of every Elmo fan the world over.

3. Alan ‘Howling Laud’ Hope

At 74, he’s the leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party which was formed in 1982 by himself and David ‘Screaming Lord’ Sutch. When Lord Sutch passed away in ’99, Alan and his cat (Cat-Mandu) were elected as joint leaders. After much research, I cannot locate any data pertaining to how many votes each received nor the tallying process, but I assume in good faith that the entire process was carried out above board.

Alan’s been on Top Gear which automatically makes him a massive legend, even though he came last in their search for ‘Britain’s fastest political party’. Slow and steady mate, run your own race, etc. The party’s 2017 election manifesto begins with ‘We will stand on a platform of free woollen hats for all, so we can pull the wool over peoples eyes’ and their immigration policy is legitimately documented as ‘one in one out’.

Sadly, I learned upon my research travels that Cat-Mandu died in a road accident in 2002, thereby making Alan the sole party leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party. From the bottom of my heart, I hope that Cat-Mandu may RIP in peace and find some comfort in the afterlife x

2. Mr. Fish Finger

Mr. Fish Finger legally changed his name, purchased a giant fish finger costume and announced that he was running in the election all because an internet poll uncovered that 92% of people would rather a fish finger than Tim Farron as Prime Minister.

His policies included unrestricted fish migration, free fish for NHS workers and free fishing rods for students and to be quite honest that’s one of the most wholesome policies we’ve seen during this election.

Unfortunately his 309 votes weren’t enough to take a seat over Farron, but he made for some very solid entertainment during a long night, and his facial expressions during Farron’s acceptance speech were second to none.

By anyone’s standard, a man that brings prominence to such a tasty treat deserves far more than 309 votes. Britain, you’ve disappointed yourself on this one. Mr. Fish Finger for Prime Minster!!

1. Lord Buckethead

https://twitter.com/LordBuckethead/status/873006103562473474

He’s the hero we both want and deserve. Lord Buckethead is an intergalactic spacelord, obviously, and has run in several elections before. His motto is ‘Strong, not entirely stable, leadership’.

Buckethead’s manifesto is sensational, with one of his policies stating:

“Nationalisation of Adele: in order to maximise the efficient use of UK resources, the time is right for great British assets to be brought into public ownership of the common good. This is to be achieved through capital spending”

Lord Buckethead is also in favour of giving free bikes to everyone,” to help combat obesity, traffic congestion and bike theft”, which is honest to Christ just absolutely darling.

They say our lives are divided into two parts: the time before you learn about Lord Buckethead, and after. Many of us are beginning this exciting second chapter in our lives and I have no doubt that it’s sure to be fruitful. Go forth and be the Lord Buckethead you want to see in the world.