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05th May 2017

This week in news and photos we couldn’t avoid

That was the week that was

Aaron Gillies

What a week.

It feels like it is week 700 of this general election campaign. And it is with a heavy heart that I must say that the politicians are at it again. Every morning starts with the dull ache as you read the news alerts that accrued on your phone over night. ‘One person did this thing’ ‘another person did another thing’ – life is now just a series of horrendous news headlines, and then you die. In between the headlines we get the hot takes, the bad opinions, the controversial statements for clicks. The news cycle is now sentient, and it is very angry with the human race. So let’s look at the stories behind the story, the events that led to the headline.


  1. Theresa May is definitely not a lizard person

What self-respecting British person can’t eat chips properly? It’s basically our national sport. For millions of us it is such a regular event that we can inhale chips like rice into a hoover. Yet Theresa May, who claims to be a human British person, looks like a chicken trying to attack a flan when given the task. A normal, average Brit can launch chips into their face gob whilst 17 pints deep and upside down and still achieve 100% accuracy. Mrs May feasts like a falcon preying on a small mouse. She claims to be human but can’t eat chips. She claims to be human but is currently saying ‘strong and stable’ like a tourist learning a second language who only knows ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘where is the library?’ She claims to be human but I still don’t believe she has any of her own teeth. This is where her act falls down. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but Theresa May is just one of many of a large species of Lizard People, that have risen from underneath the Earth’s crust to divide the human race and inevitably kill us all.


  1. Ce n’est pas bon

It’s French Presidential race time! Everyone’s fourth favourite and confusing democratic battle of the year! (1st is ours, 2nd is Eurovision, 3rd is also Eurovision because Eurovision is brilliant, and 4th is this). In the left hand corner (but slightly more centre-rightish-corner, so not really in a corner but more in the middle of the ring – sorry that was a confusing segue) we have Monsieur Macron, a man who looks like his favourite food is soup. In the far right corner we have Mrs Le Pen, a woman who looks like she at some point in her life has punched a cat for a laugh. It is yet another election, like so many nowadays, where there are only two choices. Choice 1: Vote for the person who would probably be mates with Skeletor if Skeletor were real, or Choice 2: Vote for the other candidate, you know, not the evil one. If you are confused over which side you should support or root for in this case, just remember that Farage and Hopkins and the rest of the alt right Scooby gang want Le Pen to win. A basic rule of thumb for humanity is, don’t think in line with these incorrigible hate flutes.


  1. And now to a scientist with a warning.

Every disaster film involves a scientist telling a room of government employees that something is going to go wrong, the government employees ignore the scientist and laugh amongst themselves, and then get hit by a volcano or a snow gust or a hurricane of geese or something. This week Stephen Hawking said that the human race must colonise another planet in the next 100 years or we shall go extinct. If Roland Emerich films are anything to go by, you listen to the scientist when they say something like this. The question is, where do we go? We could try Mars, but if the popular 1980s documentary Total Recall has told us, what you make up for in three-breasted women you lose in oxygen-based mafia wars. For this we have to look beyond our solar system, for a planet like ours, but with 100% less James Corden. A planet with a breathable atmosphere, potable water and possibly a Chicken Cottage. The unfortunate thing about trying to save the human race is that ultimately we are doomed and need to perish as a species. We had our chance and we lost that chance when we let Ed Sheeran release Galway Girl. As long as we defeat the lizard people, then we should move on and let the dogs evolve.


  1. Old man retires

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, and the nation’s favourite sitcom character has decided to retire at the grand age of 95. This is a big deal, not because of him or the monarchy or anything ridiculous like that, but if even the Queen’s husband can’t retire until he is 95 there is no chance in hell that any of us normies are going to be able to retire ever. We won’t get the luxury of palaces or all the corgis we can eat either, we will simply get worked until our bodies are dusty husks of laboured capitalist nonsense and then probably used for fuel to power the sex robots for future ungrateful generations. The other thing to be taken away from this is that The Queen and her live-in court jester made their staff get up at 3am, and to prepare an entire day’s events, for what was pretty much monarchy clickbait. We all sat there waiting for the announcement, I had my money on ‘Line of succession accidentally interrupted by Graham from Slough’ or ‘Queen makes Corbyn and May settle election with paintball tournament’, but all we got was an old chap retiring. Hopefully Prince Phillip can go back to doing what he loves, being racist in public but this time without as many cameras around.


  1. This bollock

Of course it’s a Donald Trump story. Every week without fail the bloated tangerine gammon-sphere emerges from a golf course somewhere to fuck stuff up. This week it was only something small: a healthcare plan so bizarrely nonsensical it makes “Let’s pick a fight with North Korea” seem like a smart move and “I want to bang my daughter” still look creepy (I can’t believe people are over that already). The story here isn’t in the horrendous policies that the new healthcare bill enforces, it’s the pure gurning glee of the billionaires and millionaires who enforced it and the complete lack of soul and empathy in their eyes. Whilst politicians in Europe are more likely a species of lizard people, the politicians in America are – in my professional opinion as an idiot – a race of demon creatures unleashed from a layer of hell where everyone is forced to have a bad haircut for the rest of eternity. A demon dimension where every steak is served well done and the only beverage available is hot milk. I personally don’t think you have to be left or right wing to realised that Donald Trump’s ineptitude and compliance for malice now makes George Bush Jr look like Barack Obama. Anyway, at least *we* still have the NHS (pause for dramatic effect).