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31st March 2016
12:36pm BST
1) Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo? He came up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame!
2) West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.
3) At the British Rail tennis championships this week, a Surrey engine driver was forced to retire from the mixed doubles after a low ball in the midland region left his services severely disrupted.4) The Department for Environment announced that a new electric car is to be withdrawn from the market. A spokesman said: ‘It was a failure. It could only travel three yards as the flex wasn’t long enough.’
5) Thieves in a stolen car were apprehended after a 100mph chase by Police Constable Wainwright who followed them on foot. Said PC Wainwright: ‘I had no choice. They shut the door on my truncheon.’
6) We’ve just heard of another business merger. Achilles Cleaning Powders have joined up with the Scottish Distilleries to produce a cleaner that kills 99 per cent of all known germs, and makes the other one too drunk to bother.
7) Nobody ever writes to me. I get letters from my mother addressed ‘To whom it may concern’.
8) There was a fire at the Inland Revenue office in London, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
9) We’ve just had news of three important business mergers: Pie Records merged with Apple Records today to make Apple Pies. Hawker Aviation joined up with Cyril Lords to make flying carpets for the Persian markets. And Crispy Bacon Ltd merged with Rolls-Royce to make sausage rolls and Royce Krispies.
10) After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
11) A ship carrying red paint collided with another one carrying purple paint. Both crews are thought to be marooned!
12) A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
13) We have heard today that Britain’s most absent-minded man received a nasty bump on the head after he dashed upstairs and realised he’d forgotten something. He’d forgotten he lived in a bungalow.
14) A man from Dagenham has named his son TGF 308F. He said he may not be rich but when he eventually leaves his son his Ford Mondeo, at least he’ll have his own personalised number plate.
15) I was going to open a restaurant with topless waitresses — but was put off by the overheads.
16) There was a chap who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena — the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago. You know, a bit like second-class mail.
17) A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
18) Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers - but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
20) I was lying in bed with my wife last Sunday morning when she called me by a special pet name, a loving and endearing term.
‘Hey Shorty,’ she said. ‘Would you like to hear the patter of little feet?’
Taken aback, I replied: ‘Yes, I would.’
She said: ‘Good. Run down to the kitchen and get me a glass of water.’
21) One of the weathermen has just become a father. The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.
RIP Ronnie, you'll be missed.
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