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14th Jul 2016

11 Boris Johnson moments that prove he’ll be a shit-hot Foreign Secretary

Bo hard or Jo home.

Rich Cooper

If you hadn’t already heard, Prime Minister Theresa May has made Boris Johnson the new Foreign Secretary.

The blonde-haired Brexiteer was denied his shot at the top job after Michael Gove stabbed him in the back (and subsequently stabbed himself in the front). But never mind, because Boris has still managed to wrangle himself a very nice job in the government: Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.

A lot of people seemed to think that this was a bad idea, but why? Boris has nothing but a sterling record in public conduct and cultural sensitivity. Allow us to jog your memory.

1. The time he laid out Britain’s foreign policy by headbutting Maurizio Gaudino in the nuts at a charity football match.


2. The time he Forced the media to acknowledge post-Brexit Britain’s potential for economic success.


3. The time he shone a light on British proficiency and workmanship by getting stuck on a zip wire.

4. The time he laid key diplomatic groundwork with the US by effectively comparing Hillary Clinton to Nurse Ratchet.

Screen Shot 2016-07-14 at 11.31.47

From The Telegraph, November 2007

5. The time he defended British values from foreign influence by shoulder-barging a small Japanese boy.


6. The time he embodied the British sense of finesse and decorum by falling into a river.


 7. The time he captured the mood of the British public by getting flipped off by a cyclist.

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 19: A cyclist makes a hand gesture to Mayor of London Boris Johnson as he cycles over Vauxhall Bridge to launch London's first cycle superhighway on November 19, 2015 in London, England. Superhighway 5 (CS5) is the capital's first two lane fully segregated cycle superhighway. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)

Photo Ben Pruchnie / Getty Images


8. The time he hailed the growth and power of British construction by waving a brick around.

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 30: Mayor of London Boris Johnson holds a house brick aloft as he addresses the Conservative party conference on September 30, 2014 in Birmingham, England. The third day of conference will see speeches on home affairs and justice. (Photo by Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images)

Photo: Peter Macdiarmid / Getty Images

9. The time he helped to ease Britain’s difficult relationship with Turkey by writing a poem, insinuating that the president had sex with a goat.

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From The Spectator, May 2016

10. The time he advanced inter-Commonwealth relations by using racist language in an article.

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From The Telegraph, January 2002

For those who don’t know, a piccaninny is an archaic, offensive term for a small black child.

11. The time he spoke so articulately that even Arnold Schwarzenegger was impressed.

We’re sure he meant to say, “Boris Johnson is the epitome of eloquence”, rather than, “This guy is fumbling all over the place”.

So what are you worrying about, Britain? Boris has it in the bag.