Since its introduction in 1777, the flag of the United States has been officially modified 26 times.
Given that he’s currently in the process of tearing up and redefining everything else, it’s highly likely that Donald Trump will soon lend his zig-zaggy signature to another executive order to redesign the American flag, because why not?
With this in mind, we’ve taken the liberty of drafting some potential designs for a new star-spangled banner – some of which include neither stars, nor indeed spangles…
1. Tiny Hands Clarification
A subtle yet powerful design, this particular flag addresses the persistent rumours circulating the internet regarding the dimensions of Trump’s hands. The execution of the design is simple: Trump endorses regular to yuge-sized hands, and does not endorse smaller palms. To avoid any confusion, there’s a subliminal message within the stripes referring to metacarpus magnitude.
2. Another Brick in the Wall
Back in 2013, Trump may have tweeted Sir Isaac Newton’s famous quote, “We build too many walls and not enough bridges…” but four years is a long time in politics (as the Donald’s first term will no doubt prove). These days he prefers Pink Floyd to Newton, and here ‘The Wall’ is accompanied by a Floydian flying pig – to represent the likelihood of Mexico paying for the 1,000 mile barrier.
3. A New America
It’s likely that Trump will question the colour scheme on the current standard, seeing as it includes Democrat blue and ‘Chinah‘ red. Changing it to a totally random colour, say orange, will set it apart from other nations whilst giving it a vibrant glow that definitely looks healthy and natural. The design in the upper left section is actually a Rorschach test. What do you see?
4. The Best America
Say what you like about Trump’s election campaign, but ‘Make America Great Again’ was a genius slogan. It was succinct, punchy, vague and effective. Thus it makes sense that the new POTUS would want to replicate its success. This time however he’d need to show that he had indeed made America very bigly great. We’ve used Trump’s unique turn of phrase to express the sentiment.
5. An Important PSA
It’s probably illegal to put outright advertising on a national flag, but since when have petty rules stopped Donald J. Trump? As you’ll no doubt be aware, the President and his team have been doing their level best to remove a particularly unflattering snap of Trump from the world wide web. Putting it on the flag with a warning message should help eradicate the offending image entirely.
6. Our Supreme Leader
Make no mistake, Trump is one classy guy. His definitely not repeatedly bankrupt business empire and family portraits are a testament to his understated sense of style. With that in mind, it would make perfect sense for the Stars and Stripes to be replaced with something a little more…refined. We’re thinking gold – lots of gold – with marble, diamonds, flowers and cash. Like we said – classy.
7. From Russia, With No Love
Trump and Vladimir Putin are definitely not friends, okay? They’re absolutely not conspiring behind the scenes to destabilise the geo-political landscape. They’ve never even met. “Putin? What is that?”, Trump is often heard asking. This flag incorporates two random silhouettes, along with a completely arbitrary design in the background. Any resemblance to real persons, Russian or dead, is purely coincidental.
8. Golden Shower
What are you talking about? Trump did not pay anyone to urinate upon a bed that Barack and Michelle Obama once slept in. This minimalistic flag will effectively help dismiss rumours that such an obscene occurrence ever took place. There are four stars missing from this particular design, to highlight the fact that this piece of FAKE NEWS is 100% not 4 real. Plus it’s waterproof just in case.
9. America’s First Family
Donald Trump loves all of his children equally and is immensely proud of their individual achievements. This tasteful design reflects the President’s evident pride in Ivanka, Eric, Donald Jr, and…the other one. America needs to recognise, respect and cherish these important souls with equal acknowledge, as the POTUS himself clearly does.
10. An America For All
In fairness to ‘Old Glory’, it’s a pretty iconic flag as it is – albeit missing a few key elements. Two winning tenets of Trump’s election campaign were patriotism and Christianity. So why not add them to the existing design? Nothing says America like a bald eagle, so we’ve added a bird’s eye view of a beak, whilst the cross symbolises Trump’s new-found faith. Nothing could be more inoffensive and fitting.
11. United States of Trumpmerica
If there’s one word that sums up Donald Trump, it’s subtlety. It’s rare you get any sort of insight into the inner workings of his mind, mainly because he’s so timid on social media and speaks in very considered, socially palatable terms. This final design represents a man who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘narcissist’, so selfless a public servant is he. Pick this one, Donald, to secure your legacy as the most understated President ever.
