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26th July 2019
06:17pm BST
You are a 16-year-old girl who is sick of her parents trying to ruin her life. You dress like a surfer chick despite your hometown being completely landlocked. Your favourite drink is an iced coffee even though it makes you need to poop a minimum of three times afterwards. When you eventually finish school, you're going to volunteer in the third world for Instagram clout. The family dog hates you and your grandparents find your ripped jeans to be trashy and unflattering. Your Snapchat stories are boring. You don't clean your braces properly and the dentist knows it, despite your assurance that you floss thrice daily. Please stop captioning your Instagrams with 'Summer Bae', it is a very weak Home & Away reference that not everyone gets.
'Bad Guy' - Billie Eilish
You project an image that's more edgy than a hexagon, but ultimately you're softer than Charmin Ultra Strong™ toilet tissue (not sponsored). You drive a Volkswagen Golf and diligently pay taxes, but the mean streets of Whitby are no match for your thirst for mischief. You'll input four apples on the supermarket self-scanner, only to slip five into your reusable bag for life. You hide ketchup packets up your sleeve in the canteen without declaring them to the cashier. You illegally stream movies online and fill Nando's water glasses with Coke. You're a rebel, a rogue vagabond who cannot be tamed. The FBI are trying to monitor your every move through the little webcam on your laptop, but luckily you've got a tiny bit of paper stuck over it. That'll show them.
'Old Town Road' - Lil Nas X feat. Billy Ray Cyrus
You initially thought that the lyrics were "I'm gonna take my horse to the hotel room" and found things to be a smidge problematic bestiality-wise, but once you saw your favourite reality TV star's Instagram story (Joey Essex) in which they were doing karaoke with the song, jumped firmly on board the train to the Old Town Road. You love the simple things in life, such as wearing little to no clothing at music festivals, befriending fellow UberPool users when you're drunk, drinking Monster Energy for breakfast but also intermittently throughout the day, murdering at will and replying to jokes on Twitter with what you consider to be funnier versions of that exact joke. You simply want to love and be loved. Keep searching, champ!
'Truth Hurts' - Lizzo
Your DNA test just came back and turns out you're 100% that bitch who is very brave and bold in the confines of their own home but is too scared to ask for a second glass of water in restaurants. Your summer will mostly be spent watching other peoples' Instagram stories and feeling left out even though you declined every invite because nothing in this godforsaken world is better than staying in the comfort of your own home at all times. You take Tumblr very seriously and recently purchased a vinyl player because you get off on that little crackle sound in between tracks. One time you bought a vintage t-shirt on eBay but when the package arrived it was simply a letter that said 'Congratulations, you played yourself' and to be fair, you did.
'Never Really Over' - Katy Perry
You're a happy-go-lucky person who posts vague Facebook statuses for attention. Nothing too hectic, just a quick 'UGH ~ feeling annoyed' every 5-7 working days to drum up some interest in the trials and tribulations of your exciting life. The level of interaction on the statuses has been steadily decreasing over time, but there's always a distant family member or former colleague on hand to chime in with a 'PM if you need me x' or 'U ok? x' to keep your appetite sated. Your summer is actually going quite well, but happiness is boring. People turn to you for bad advice and mediocre toasted sandwiches. Your blog about the best places to have a private cry in the city is going from strength to strength, so keep up the good work!
'I Don't Care' - Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber
Love is in the air and it's exclusively for you and your longterm partner who you've been with since school. You tag each other in ancient Facebook memes accompanied by the cry laugh emoji and an inside joke. This summer you're going to continue your pattern of having *~relations~* twice a week but only on the days that it's not too warm for full body contact. Afterwards, you'll share precisely half a bottle of wine together and order the same thing you've been getting from the Indian takeaway for the last ten years. "We must try something new one of these days", you'll remark as the confirmation email hits your inbox. "Yeah, maybe", your other half replies. Please change your life. Be interesting, I am begging you. Buy a kite. Get a tattoo. SOMETHING.
'Someone You Loved' - Lewis Capaldi
Sad girl summer is real and it's irrespective of gender. You're having a sad time during the summer months, but it's self-inflicted. You lost your job because you weren't arsed showing up anymore, then you got dumped because you weren't arsed texting back anymore, then you lost all your money because you weren't arsed saving anymore. Now you're in quite a predicament where you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off and stop listening to sad music because it's doing nothing for your brain. YouTubers aren't your friends. Stop watching gaming live streams. Put on a pair of pants and have a shower, there's a whole world out there waiting to disappoint you. Join a bridge club, infiltrate those in charge, convince them to invest heavily in Frubes, make millions, go to jail, die a hero. LIVE.
'Sucker' - Jonas Brothers
Congratulations, you've finally caught up with a song that was released in March! Which is very typical of you, isn't it? You're a sheep, waiting for the rest of the herd to do something before you even so much as consider it. You took up smoking during your first year at Uni because someone you fancied did it. Your summer consists of working at the same place as one of your mates because their Dad hooked you up with an internship. You're considering saving up for an adult scooter under the pretence of becoming more environmentally friendly, but it's actually because you saw an influencer using one and saved the 10% discount code because you love a bargain. Truly, you are a sucker. Song slaps though, credit where it's due.
'Summer Days' - Martin Garrix feat. Macklemore
Absolutely livid that Love Island is finishing on Monday night, aren't you? You'll be struggling to find purpose in life without your daily dose of dramatics from the Mallorcan villa each night at 9pm. Still, you could always turn to the US version of the show. Sure, it won't be the same, but it'll go a small distance in filling the void. Whatever it takes to work as a distraction from the fact that you peaked in University and struggle to keep up in the corporate rat race that is your job. Friends seem to be drifting away by the bucketload these days, going off and getting married, having kids, buying houses. But you're doing well. You had a viral Love Island tweet last week, and they got your favourite juice back in stock in the work canteen! Every cloud :)
'You Need To Calm Down' - Taylor Swift
You're a messy bitch who lives for drama and unapologetically so. Whenever there's some kind of drama kicking off in the group chat, you're the first one privately messaging those involved, adding fuel to the fire as you kick back with a popcorn and Minstrels combo meal. Your own life is fairly uneventful, not since the accident. It wasn't even your fault, those diabetic kittens had it coming. You were simply doing your job as a jelly bean transportation driver. There was no way to know they had the combined force to hijack the truck. Anyway, there's no sense in dwelling on the past. This summer you're going to get hot, really hot, hitting the gym upwards of once a week and exclusively eating protein bars. Come September you're going to be hot property. Then your exes will be sorry. All one of them. Keep up the good work, champ!
