Woman’s tutorial for how to poo secretly at your partner’s house takes internet by storm

This is the reason I got into writing.

Thankfully after centuries of futile ponder, we now have our guardian angel, a woman by the name of Siena Filippi, who is essentially the Leonardo Da Vinci of taking silent dumps.

Like Harry Houdini, Filippi is an expert at finding the perfect moment to escape when she needs to, and now she's revealed her secrets to the world in a TikTok tutorial specifically for women (but these could also work for men) on how to go number two discreetly.

Filippi offers three foolproof methods. Three ingenious disguises.

The first of which she calls: "The Body Wash."

But just how do you do The Body Wash? Well as Filippi explains: "It doesn't even matter what you're doing, whatever time of day. Just be like 'you know what, I feel a little sweaty, like I want a refresh. I'm gonna body shower'."

She continued: "Crank that [shower faucet] up. Now you have a sound cover and also a time cover for however long you need."

Amen sister.

The second method concocted by Filippi attempts a similar goal. This one is known as: "The Hair Dryer."

She explains: "Just be like, 'I need to fix my hair really quick. It's getting really frizzy." And just like that you head into the bathroom, whack the hair dryer on full blast, and go about your business.

However by far the most hilarious technique is number three, a routine she has coined 'The Hammock' and declares it is 'the grossest of them all'.

Panning the camera round, Filippi shows viewers a long piece of toilet paper positioned in the centre of the bowl designed to soften the blow of a falling you know what, and to maximise toiletry sound proofing.

She said the technique 'gives yourself a nice runway for minimal sound and splash back'.

So tell me. Are you a number one, a number two, or a number three?