Here’s what we think Will and Kate said to each other as they introduced the royal baby

Yes, yes I am a professional lipreader.

No, no I am not. But I'm going to give it a good go. A bloody good go. This is what the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge said to each other as they emerged from St. Mary's hospital to raucous cheers, as though they had done anything other than have a baby, a thing the has happened over 100 billion times over the course of human history. These are all the things that were definitely said: "I'm serious. Can we just put him down here? Honestly, let's just leave him here. It'll be fine. We can leave him here and go for a Nando's and somebody will just bring him round later or something. We just leave him and he'll get delivered to us I guess. I assume that's how it works." *literally his just-born child alive next to him* "Kate... Kate... I don't want to alarm you but there's a cloud that looks just like a Monster Munch" "Kate, who is that woman talking to my brother?" "That's Meghan, William. We've met her several times. You spent five hours with her in the waiting room." "God he looks so lifelike. It's amazing what they can do with technology these days" "When does it stop making noises?" "Look there's another one" "Hun, hun, you're smiling like you've just had a filling and the anaesthetic hasn't worn off" "I just... I just don't understand how he can have more hair than me already"

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If, for whatever reason, you're not entirely convinced by my thorough analysis then you can take the word of an actual professional lipreader (but why would you?), who informed the Mirror what was actually said: William : Are you OK with him? Kate : Yeah. William : Look, there he is. Over there. [They wave to the left] Kate : Let’s just wave over there. [They wave to the right] Kate : Look, he is there. [They wave] It is a bit windy, eh? He might get cold. Let’s go now. William : Sure That hardly sounds like a real conversation though, does it?