12 ways that modern technology has ruined our lives

We could no longer live in a world without technology, but that doesn't mean we have to love it all the time.

There are plenty of ways in which it has made our lives worse, leaving us longing for the good old days when we talked to people instead of our phones and could avoid the football results before Match of the Day. So, without further ado, here are the things that irk us the most about technological advancement...

Meeting someone in a pub is considered a bit passé

Up to ten years ago, meeting someone online was the kind of thing you only did if you were desperate, American or both. Anyone sitting behind a computer screen was assumed to be a serial killer or somebody who listened exclusively to Chris de Burgh. Not to be trusted. Nowadays, however, if you haven't met someone through Tinder or at least run a Google search on them before the first date, you're in the minority. Meeting someone in a pub, completely unvetted, is now considered a bit passé and even unusual. It's as though that initial spark can only exist if someone makes you laugh on Twitter and lures you in with their Thailand beach photo from 2007.

You can't hail a taxi on the street

Damn you, Hailo. Screw you, Uber. Taxi drivers are better connected than Mark Zuckerberg at this stage. One morning last week, for instance, my alarm didn't go off (more on that later) and I left the house looking like the 'before scene' in a Lynx ad. A full 12 taxis passed me, all thanks to Hailuber, meaning I was beaten with the punishment stick when I finally arrived at the office.

It's impossible to pull a sickie in work

You've just checked into Cineworld, you utter moron, despite calling your boss at 8.20am and putting on your best hoarse voice. If you're pulling a sickie, you might want to go easy on the tweets and stay off Facebook. The best thing you can do is pretend that every single piece of portable technology is ill along with you and remember that your movements are potentially being tracked - Ferris Bueller-style - at all times.

You really have no excuse for being late to anything

How can you be late when every single poxy piece of technology - from bedside radio to phone to central heating control system to oven to kettle to watch to those stupid bloody 'smart underpants' I got in my Christmas stocking - has an alarm on it? There really is no excuse, and I hate that. Being late always made me feel like I was better than other people, more important, like my time was far more precious than the punctual fools around me.

You can't have a quiet pint without some gobsh*te taking a selfie at the next table

Narcissistic bullsh*t is everywhere these days, from selfie sticks at Old Trafford to people posing for pictures at the scene of a gas explosion in New York recently. Good lord. Without doubt, these are the worst people in society, and almost make it worth turning off the power and returning to the Dark Ages. (Hi mam)

You can't have a quiet pint, full stop

Not when the group next to you is Periscoping their session to their mates in Australia; not when the lad at the bar is on a conference call and pretending he's still in the office; not when the Spotify playlist is screaming that the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate; not when the person you're with is fighting with his Instagram filters. Time to go home and read a book.

If you haven't responded to your WhatsApp group in over half an hour, people assume you've been killed in some tragic accident

For the love of God. Forgive me for taking a few minutes to hang up the washing and not being forever enslaved to your emoji-filled stream of nonsense.

Avoiding the football results before Match of the Day is almost impossible

There's no point. Information is bloody everywhere, from goal alerts to text messages to Vines of goals to this and that and the other. Managing to get to Saturday night without knowing the scores is a tougher obstacle course than anything Tough Mudder can throw at you, with your chances of remaining blissfully unaware of Man United's latest defeat slim to none.

Emojis

It won't be long before words are totally extinct, replaced by little yellow crying/laughing/eating/babbling faces and tiny pixelated...I don't know. I'm either too jaded or too angry to finish that sentence. Emojis, emoticons. LOLs, Soz, WTFs, OMGs and pluralising anything, anything at all, with the letter 'z' replacing the 's'. Technology has given us an awful lot, but it's also dumbed down language to, like, y'know, whatevs, soz.

You can't watch a gig without the glare of a thousand smartphones

You'll never watch it again. You won't. You like to think you will, but you won't. Put it away and enjoy the show you've paid through the nose for.

Technology has ruined table quizzes

Google has everything, what with its ready access to the capital of Venezuela (stop calling me Caracas) and the most-watched show on Netflix. For table quizzes, let us suggest a mandatory airport scanner and all smartphones left for collection later.

You're not allowed to just be fat anymore

Remember when having a beer belly was a sign of happiness? A contented man who enjoyed a few jars down the pub with his mates. That was the life. But now having a paunch is seen as evidence that you're lazy which, although it might be true, is still annoying to hear. If I could be bothered, I'd come up with a retort. There's simply no excuse for piling on the pounds these days, with literally thousands of apps and gadgets to get you into shape. It's enough to make us need a lie down.