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25th Jun 2018

You can relax because we’ve found the best pool accessory of the summer

That's 'Ridiculous Inflatable Swan-Thing Pool Float' to you

Ciara Knight

Finally the second half of our lives can begin

There comes a time in everyone’s life where things just click. Everything falls into place and it all starts to make sense.

For you, it’s about to happen right now.

Urban Outfitters have dropped the hottest pool accessory of 2018 and you can bet your sweet ass it’s as good as, if not better than the appalling fidget spinner craze.

Modestly described as ‘David Shrigley Ridiculous Inflatable Swan-Thing Pool Float’, this is going to make you the talk of any swimming pool or body of water you enter this summer.

How much does it cost? No amount is too much, surely? $60? Perfect, I’ll take twelve and an emergency puncture repair kit.

I will now list the benefits of Swan-Thing:

  • It’s got a minimalistic design which means people will see it and say “Oh, very minimalist design there”
  • The facial expression is arresting, therefore you will be too
  • Swans are going to confuse you as one of their own when you’re using it, meaning you can finally make some swan friends
  • It looks nothing like a swan, so you’ll make friends every time you have to explain to a stranger what it actually is
  • You won’t drown if you use it
  • You can reenact the ‘I’m the king of the world’ scene from Titanic with it
  • Anyone that’s ever made fun of you will feel pretty silly when they see you joyously bobbing around on it

You’ve got a tough decision to make now. Do you buy it or do you spend the rest of your life feeling sad and unfulfilled? Good luck.