A proposition to cancel all human contact and replace it with WhatsApp voice notes
Voice notes, am I right?
Not since something as important as the discovery of electricity have we been on the cusp of something that's about to change the world in a momentous way. WhatsApp voice notes are the future. Scientists are cancelled.
Something I like to refer to as a 'staggered phone call', voice notes are at present changing the world and have the capacity to revolutionise communication, should we allow it.
In a unique turn of events, we're finding ourselves using a tool that has very few, if any, negatives attached to it. This is rare.
I propose that we cancel human contact entirely and replace it with WhatsApp voice notes.
Please peruse the following literature and sign the non-existent petition below. Thank you for your support.
They would ensure that you never have to experience the garbage fire that is a phone call again
A mate has messaged a personal dilemma that requires your expert advice. Since it's 2018 and phone calls have been cancelled for anyone under the age of 57, a trusty voice note will ensure that you can dish out some world class guidance and save your precious hands the turmoil of having to type out an entire paragraph on your teeny tiny phone screen. You've successfully avoided what would easily have been a solid hour-long phone call which you have to concoct some ironclad reason to end, such as "I need a dump" or "Life is simply too short to spend working through your concern about which starter Pokémon to pick, now release me from this hellscape that we call life".
Phone calls can last an eternity, but voice notes have eliminated the worst parts. You drift in and out of signal, the other person interrupts and you end up in a never ending apology loop, it has the potential to continue indefinitely. With voice notes, you can say your piece, then wait an unspecified amount of time for their reply and so on and so forth until one of you dies. Have you ever had to make an important phone call? Sickening ordeal, right? Imagine if businesses allowed voice notes as a means of contact. Sure, it'd slow down everything, but at least you could avoid the harrowing anxiety that comes with answering a call from an unknown number, or worse, ringing the car insurance company to renew your plan.
They allow you to become the lazy sack of shit that you were destined to be
Typing is fine, it's tolerable. But there is an easier way. No, not a traditional phone call, but a staggered one. Give your chubby little fingers a rest from their usual day-to-day labour, instead using your voice as a means of communication. They've even added a lock feature to the recording, so you don't even have to hold down the microphone anymore. It's handsfree, baby. Do it in the bath, do it in the shower, do it as you perform life-saving surgery on a patient. There is no situation imaginable that voice notes don't work in.
What's more, you need to lean into the process. Don't just draw the line at ease of communication. Spread this attitude into other areas of your life. Stop walking, give up eating fruit, sleep all day, quit your job, order takeaway every night, earn money by stealing. Voice notes are just the beginning. There's a whole world out there waiting to be explored on Google Maps from the comfort of your bed. Never leave your house and be forced through the heinous act of interacting with another person again. Be free.
You can do it in the nip!
You know what requires proper clothes? A job interview. You know what doesn't involve any clothes at all? A WhatsApp voice note job interview. You can even take a moment or two to properly research your answers before replying. Imagine a world where the discomfort of a job interview was a thing of the past. Never again feel the pressure to dry off your clammy palm before shaking the hands of complete strangers as they interrogate your entire life's work leading you to that exact point.
Let me set the scene. You're lying in bed wearing your preferred bedtime attire, potentially nothing at all. "John" from "HR" slides into your WhatsApp messages, and he's with "Rachel" from "the team". They're just looking to get a good sense of you, hoping to find out what you plan to bring to the job (which will be done from home), ensure that you're not a total waste of space. You compose yourself, cough a bit to clear your morning voice and then proceed to dazzle them with your wit and endless knowledge about the company thanks to the Wikipedia page on the screen beside you. Hello, life? It's me. I think I've just figured you out.
You get to marvel at your own conviction in the ultimate self-indulgent act - the replay
WhatsApp voice notes are a narcissist's paradise. You get to hear your own voice as you're speaking, then again after you've sent the message. This makes for a deliciously self-indulgent exercise as you become familiar with your shrill little voice, along with the opportunity to place yourself in the recipient's shoes, marveling at the information that is being relayed to them with tremendous effect. Laugh at your own jokes, gasp at your own revelations, even smile to yourself as you approve of your sombre tone when delivering a condolence message to the family of a murder victim.
Everyone does it. You send a particularly spicy voice note, then listen back to make sure you weren't being too harsh. Almost always, you're relieved to discover that you've absolutely nailed the performance. Fall in love with yourself the right way - by listening back to yourself criticising a friend's poor life decisions, then softening the blow with a funny anecdote about the importance of honesty. Some people take fire selfies to feel good about themselves, but hearing your own voice is the way forward. Trust.
Relationships will be based on genuine human connection, rather than temporary lust
Before you can love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. Personal confidence will skyrocket once we scrap human contact for voice notes. People will learn to get to know each other through their minds. Physical appearance won't matter anymore. Sure, there'll be a tiny icon attached to your WhatsApp contact information, but that's it. Everything else rests on your ability to verbalise your innermost thoughts and feelings. You can't hide from true love when your most important instrument is being examined (your gross little voice).
Dating through WhatsApp voice notes is going to revolutionise the game. In these ever-changing times, it's important not to lose grasp of what really matters - finding true human connection in this godforsaken land that we call life. Sure, some of the physical aspects of love will be lacking, but that's a small sacrifice to make for being able to find someone that truly understands your need to speak at length for 8 minutes on a Friday night about how Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 never truly existed.
Death rates will decrease significantly, as will birth rates
Without human contact, the most effective way to make a baby will no longer be feasible. With that, the environment's conditions will soar as there will be less demand on natural resources since the world population will plateau, then slowly start to decrease. Death rates will be far lower than previous, as illness fails to spread due to the elimination of human contact. We could be sending out grandparents voice notes until the ripe age of 200 if we play our cards right. Speaking of which, mandatory £20 birthday card inclusions will remain in place, regardless of human contact bans.
Undertakers will go out of business, meaning a second series of The Haunting of Hill House won't be realistic enough for retain audiences. They will have to scrap all plans and leave it as one stand-alone piece of content, which is the correct decision, all because of the cancelation of human contact in place of WhatsApp voice notes. Truly, this is a decision that will touch everyone and change their lives undoubtedly for the better. No more babies. Lots of old people. Sounds like paradise.
People are gross and you will no longer have to deal with them
It is an undeniable fact that the worst part about anything is people. Disneyland? The queues, which are filled with people. Lottery win? Having to collect the cheque, from a person. Finding £500 on the ground? Checking around to make sure nobody sees you pocket it. People ruin everything. If we can eliminate ever having to come face-to-face with them again, happiness will be widespread. Need to get an ambulance but don't fancy dealing with the phone operator? Voice note them! But quickly. This is an emergency.
By 2020, we could eradicate all human contact. Dental appointments will be conducted via voice notes, you'll simply describe your ailments and the dentist will guide you through the checkup process using a handy kit that's delivered right to your door. Waiting rooms, shit magazines, whingeing children and rolling 24 hour news coverage TV channels will be a thing of the past as you settle into your new life as a Modern Person. All those in favour of replacing human contact (gross) with WhatsApp voice notes (tight), say 'aye'.
None that I can think of.