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2nd May 2018
06:39pm BST
Firstly I must offer my warmest congratulations to Jennifer Garner on her most convincing role to date: A future Royal Princess. She has somehow convinced The Royal Mint that she is indeed marrying Prince Harry, and should therefore be engraved on a coin to commemorate the special day. Jennifer and Meghan have many things in common, for example, they are both women and they both act. Jennifer has been in many successful movies, such as Pearl Harbour, Dude Where's My Car and the classic hit Valentine's Day. She's proven that acting doesn't stop just because the director yelled 'cut', it's an eternal mindset, one that she's clearly mastered after convincing someone at The Royal Mint that she was future princess Meghan Markle.
Who is the man standing beside Jennifer Garner?
Although we're assured that it's a coin to commemorate the Royal Wedding, we need to question why the royals themselves aren't on the actual coin. Jennifer Garner is joined by a man that, if you told me was on The Bachelor, I would blindly believe without question. I have never seen The Bachelor, but that is precisely what I believe him to have looked like at some point. That is not Prince Harry, a balding ginger and son of Royalty, that is a man named Nigel who works at his father's investment firm and drives a BMW that was gifted to him for his 30th birthday provided he promises to settle down sometime soon. Whomstever he is, a hearty congratulations to him for landing such a sweet modelling gig.
Why has Meghan got such a death grip on Harry's arm?
There are two types of grip in this world: tender and firm. Meghan has invented a third type of grip, called the 'HE'S MINE, FUCK OFF' grip. This is similar to when a couple poses for a photograph and the girl puts her hand unnecessarily over the guy's stomach as if they're expecting but have flipped the gender roles on their head and decided that the man should carry the baby. Anyway, if you look at the grip Meghan has on Harry's arm, he's absolutely fucked. His previous penchant for boozy nights out and questionable fancy dress choices are long behind him. It's going to be Grey's Anatomy and early nights from the moment he says 'I do'. That death grip absolutely caused temporary scarring and wrinkled his jumper, even if it's an entirely fictional pose.
Why are their eyes so hollow and haunting?
I've improved the eye situation in the above image because I couldn't bear to look at the original any longer. I'm not hugely versed on the intricacies of coin engraving, but I feel like there must be a way to make the eyes seem less possessed by demons? Maybe a splash of colour or a raised pattern would make all the difference? Having seen Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's eyes in a proper photograph before, I can confidently say that the designer isn't doing them any justice here. The future non King of England and his lady wife must have vibrant eyes in all merchandise, as is sternly insisted upon by Her Majesty The Queen.
Finally, is it cooler to be on a stamp or a coin?
Truly which is cooler? One of them allows you to buy goods and services, but the other travels the world facilitating communication between people that haven't got the internet yet. Let's pretend for a second that us muggles had a chance at being either on a coin or on a stamp? Which would you pick? Personally, I would refuse to answer the question on the grounds that it is a nonsense scenario and not worth wasting mental energy on, but that's just me.
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