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6th December 2017
06:40pm GMT
This flamboyant pink elephant surprisingly turned to the cigarette industry shortly after filming with JAF. After securing a degree in Smokology, Johnson went on to launch his very own brand of cigarettes, called Pink Elephants. They were the world's first cigarettes to be entirely pink in colour, and boast over ten billion sales worldwide to date. Notable celebrity fans of the cigarettes include Paris Hilton, P!nk, Pam St. Clement and Nano Nagle.
Things took a bit of a turn for Johnson when the recession hit, he lost a lot of revenue, putting the company in jeopardy and ultimately forcing him to send it into receivership. Determined albeit disheartened, Johnson modernised his business acumen and turned to the vaping industry. After a lot of hard work and dedication, he now has his very own vape shop in the US called 'Tit Tape and Vape', selling both lingerie adhesive materials and e-cigarettes.
McDuff
The nation's favourite talking concertina was always destined for greatness, and that's exactly where she went after JAF. McDuff was snapped up by the BBC Philharmonic orchestra a week after Johnson and Friends' final episode went to air. She's since traveled the world three times over playing classics such as 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson, 'The Final Countdown' by Europe and the classic 'They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!' by Sufjan Stevens.
McDuff is still in touch with Diesel and they often go on holidays together to the South of France. On their last excursion, they rented a pedalo and ended up pedalling all the way to the English Channel. French authorities had to rescue them and tow them back to safety. Such is the divilment we've come to expect from that pair, it's heartwarming to hear that they're still thick as thieves and getting into lots of trouble together, as all best friends should.
Diesel
He's a household name at this point, and so he should be. Diesel is now a driver to the stars in none other than Hollywood, Los Angeles. He's taken heavyweights such as Richard E. Grant and Winona Ryder's accountant to their desired destinations since going into business in 1996. He also does some work for Uber on the side and currently boasts a 4.2 star rating, with his highest review stating "He didn't say anything the whole time I was in the car, it was heaven".
But his success doesn't stop there. Diesel is currently writing a tell-all book about the lies and deceit he's encountered during his time as a driver to the stars in L.A. While he's remained very tight-lipped about the tales included in the autobiography, he hinted at a rampant toe corn fetish that a certain 'Hulkamaniac' has. Due to legalities beyond our control, we've been ordered not to publish that particular excerpt of the book just yet, as it may result in a hefty libel case. However, we wish Diesel the best. Keep bruum-bruuming, champ!
Alfred
The world's most famous anthropomorphic hot water bottle struggled with self-esteem issues for years after the show ended, mostly due to those pesky online trolls with which we're all unfortunately familiar. He received countless e-mails and faxes questioning why on Earth anyone in Australia would need a hot water bottle (which is a fair enough question, but not great for Alfred to hear, considering his life's work). Understandably, he went into a dark place for a while but has come out the other side as a stronger person.
Alfred since moved to Ireland, where he's currently getting plenty of use with a lovely family from Cork. The O' Briens took to Alfred like a duck to (hot) water. He recently celebrated his 5,000th fill-up and is looking forward to 5,000 more. Alfred hopes to infiltrate the electric blanket industry and ultimately destroy it. "There's simply no need for something like that when I exist. Fill me up, pop in the plug and I'm good to go for as long as eight hours. Electric blankets are scum. Bin yours immediately, you capitalist piece of shit". Harsh but fair words from Alf.
Squeaky
Unsurprisingly, Squeaks went into the world of security after her commitments with JAS. She's been working with the United States Secret Service since 1995 and has successfully prevented any Presidents from coming to harm during her tenure. She's said in the past that she would be prepared to take a bullet for any President and we're in awe of her bravery. Such dedication to the job is extremely rare in the modern day, particularly regarding politics.
However, since the election of the USA's current president, Squeaky admits to having to rethink her 'life or death' commitment to the job. "It's just not worth putting yourself in harm's way for someone that is literal garbage, so I've had to amend my contract". Although she's still working with the Secret Service, her role now involves sending all staff emails detailing what moronic things the President has said each day. We wish Squeaky the very best with all her future endeavours.
Michael
Michael is still asleep.
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