Excuse me, there is a water-skiing squirrel in Toronto and her name is Twiggy
Naturally, there's a catch.
The Toronto International Boat Show is taking place at the moment, not that you needed reminding.
The undeniable star of the show is Twiggy, a ten-year-old water-skiing squirrel, who's been performing every day.
At the risk of tarnishing a very good and pure thing here, it is my journalistic duty to highlight that this squirrel's skills aren't as impressive as they seem. It turns out she's actually a massive cheat.
Twiggy wears an adorable cape when she's water skiing, but it unfortunately transpires that the cape is a cleverly disguised lifejacket.
As we all know, the real thrill of water skiing comes from the likelihood that you will die. Twiggy is taking far too many safety precautions for this to be an impressive feat, IMO.
— Exhibition Place (@ExPlaceTO) January 14, 2018
She's heading out water skiing every day for spectators' enjoyment, but every single time, her performance is a goddamn lie.
If Twiggy really wants to impress us, she needs to lose the lifejacket and replace it with a legitimate cape. That would introduce an element of danger to her act, which she's desperately missing at present.
(Twiggy, if you're reading this, sack your advisors and hire me instead).
— China Xinhua Japan (@XHJapanese) January 15, 2018
If Twiggy is going to lie to us about her cape's hidden feature, what else is she prepared to do? Take performance-enhancing drugs? Use CGI? Add a fake tail? Is she even a squirrel or just a very fuzzy mouse?
Sorry, I've ruined it. This was supposed to be a heartwarming story but I refuse to gloss over the truth.
Stay woke, sheeple.