Wanted: The Queen's official Shoe Breaker-Inner
This is a legitimate job, I have not pulled it from my buttholé.
The Queen's wardrobe designer has let slip that there is an actual person in Buckingham Palace whose entire job it is to break in Lizzie's shoes for her.
But why stop there? It's not unreasonable to assume that she's also got someone pre-chewing her food, warming her toilet seats, killing her son's unsuitable wives and even moistening her retainer.
I'm curious about what the job spec for an official shoe breaker-inner would look like, so I've put one together. I'm not saying I'm going to apply for the job, but I'm also not saying I'm not going to.
Buckingham Palace is looking for an experienced Shoe Breaker-Inner to efficiently and professionally carry out a variety of tasks for HRH Queen Elizabeth II.
The successful Shoe Breaker-Inner must have a thorough knowledge of how best to adapt footwear to the confines of their trotters, but also the presence of mind to allow the right amount of resistance so that they may be adaptable to Her Majesty's feet once your work is complete.
The ideal candidate will possess: size 4 feet, a multipack of blister plasters, unodourous feet, 100% cotton socks, and a deep-rooted appreciation for both footwear and Queen Elizabeth II. A slightly fallen arch on the left foot is also desirable but not essential.
As HRH Queen Elizabeth II's official Shoe Breaker-Inner, you will be required to:
- Fully break in multiple pairs of shoes per week using a variety of methods from walking to waltzing
- Undergo foot surgery to have your feet carved into an exact replica of Her Majesty The Queen's
- Ensure that every pair of shoes is kept in pristine condition by strictly walking on pre-approved carpet surfaces
- Consult with Her Majesty as to whether each pair you've worn has been sufficiently broken in
- Keep a log of all SBI (Shoe Breaking In) hours clocked so that sufficient remuneration can be calculated
- Listen to appropriate and pre-approved music as you are breaking in the regal shoes (e.g. Dancing Shoes, Shoexie Sioux, Footloose, Toe-ny Hadley, sole (soul) music, Nine Inch (toe)Nails, etc).
- Proven experience as a Shoe Breaker-Inner
- Solid understanding of the importance of shoes in relation to Her Majesty's success
- Working knowledge of breaking in shoes
- UK size 4 feet, no half sizes accepted, with a total of ten (10) toes - five on each foot
- A Master's degree, or preferably Doctorate, in Shoeology
- A slight, but not a worrying, level of foot fetishisation
- One corn on big toe (left foot) and a recurring verruca on baby toe (right foot)
- Must be physically fit, with strong and meaty feet
- Friendly, decent level of banter
Please forward your CV with a cover letter and high resolution photograph of your feet to [email protected]. No time wasters please.