The perils of Black Friday and how to survive the retail carnage

November 27 - all f**king hell is about to break loose.

No it's not another one of those dodgy 'end of the world' predictions from some religious cult in the US. Black Friday is back...and you just know it's going to be absolutely batsh*t. If you were lucky enough to have missed the madness last year, or didn't see news footage of shoppers tearing each other limb from limb over the last HD telly, then be prepared. It's a bit like The Purge, Sean of the Dead and Battle Royale all rolled into one, but the depravity is played out in your local shopping centre. More than £800 billion was spent in Britain last year as shops slashed prices, stuff was sold off on the cheap, and the whole country went into meltdown. We're not going to lie - it's war out there on the streets. So if you're not riding it out under the sofa clutching a shovel and your last will and testament, you need to bring your A-game, son.

Plan your attack

'Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.' Every teacher you ever had probably told you that before a really important exam, or interview or something. If you're daft like us, you probably ignored them and ballsed up every one of those damn tests. But we're telling you now - prepare! And prepare good. Because if you don't you're going to hit the shops like a giddy headless chicken just grabbing any old piece of tat with a 30% off sticker slapped on the side. If you don't want to be sat at home afterwards, kicking yourself and wondering what you're going to do with seven pairs of left-handed scissors, an egg peeler and a David Cameron Austerity Christmas album, then listen up. Plan which shops you're going to attack, which deals you're going to go for, and which items you really want to buy. Have a budget, know what you want, draw up a hit list and stick to the game plan.

Who is doing Black Friday?

This is a pretty essential part of doing your pre-spree research. Do your homework on the internet first. Don't be that d*ck that rocks up at 6am at your local electronics shop, tooled up to the eyeballs ready to wrestle some mums for a bargain, when there's nothing even discounted. JOE's advice is to suss out what kind of items you're after then check the big stores to see if they're offering some Black Friday deals. Big players like Currys, Apple, Argos, Tesco, Boots and PC World are all DTF on some tempting Black Friday deals. But there are many more that prefer not to have full-scale rioting breaking out in the kids toys aisle. Keep an eye on who is doing which deals and when. Some retailers have offers on all day, other will just be for a few hours. Twitter is always a good place to watch for snap deals dropping too. Get clued up.

Can you do it online?

There's something magical about venturing out to the high street to do some Christmas shopping for loved ones - snow beginning to fall, twinkling lights in frosty windows, the whiff of mulled wine and the feint hum of a beloved carol in the air. Black Friday is not one of those days that will get you in the Christmas spirit - unless your idea of getting festive is queuing up in the p*ssing rain in a Santa hat, elbowing your way to the front of a frenzied scrum of people, and then chinning a fellow shopper to get an MP3 player you don't even need. The smart guys shop online. You can shop easier and freer, you won't get wet and cold, and there's less chance of you losing any teeth in bargain-related melee. While Black Friday is on November 27 this year, many of the big retailers start dishing out deals as early as November 23. Shop around for the best deals from the safety of your own home instead of needlessly venturing out into the wild.

Go hard or go home

You've made your choice, you're going out there to take on the hordes of bargain hunters. But shrinking violets don't get the fancy new DVD players, or that jazzy blender you saw on the Shopping Channel. This is something you have to commit to 100%. Go hard or go home, as they say. If there's one big ticket item you know is going at a knock-down price at your local supermarket, don't be the guy that missed out because he slept in then missed the bus. Camp outside the f**king shop if you have to. Yes you might look like you've fled a warzone in your soaking sleeping bag and makeshift tent, but you'll be the one that gets first crack at the deals. They won't be laughing when you've nabbed a trolley load of booty on the cheap. If you can find a friend who's equally bonkers, bring them along for the ride. Wolves hunt in packs and so should you. Good luck out there.