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02nd Sep 2016

The 15 people that you see in every 5-a-side team

You'll be able to find yourself in here somewhere.

Paul Moore

How many are on your side?

There’s two things that are guaranteed to happen over any weekend.

1) People will be out enjoying themselves with a few drinks in the evening and 2) they’ll be playing a 5-a-side match in order to sweat out some of the booze the next morning.

Here’s our take on the 15 people that you’re guaranteed to see at your local astro pitch.

1) The ‘trials’ in the Premier League lad

It’s one of those popular 5-a-side urban myths but apparently each opposing team has one player that was on the books of Arsenal, Man United or Real Madrid.

We’re frequently told that this player didn’t make the grade at the top level due to an odd mix of a bad knee injury and the fact that he was caught stealing stamps from the club office.

Real Madrid CF v FC Schalke 04 - UEFA Champions League

2) The Tomáš Rosický

There’s always one player on your team that shows up every week and instantly complains that they’re suffering from a slight niggle.

You’re never surprised to learn that these players never last the whole game. Christ almighty, they’re so injury prone that they might even dislocate their lips whilst drinking from a water bottle.

Brighton & Hove Albion v Arsenal - FA Cup Fourth Round

3) The Referee’s enemy

Is there a player in your team that loves defending so much that they just can’t help themselves when the opportunity for a slide tackle comes their way?

Screw the rules, a good slide tackle is just as sexy as a cracking goal.

It’s obvious that I was a defender, isn’t it?

For all you lovers of a tough but fair sliding challenge, know these three things. It only becomes a hatchet job if 1) you’re two months late with the tackle, 2) you injure the poor guy or 3) the opposing player is only sent five metres into the air.

4) The constant talker

Communication and organisation are important in any team but there’s being helpful and then there’s just spouting utter s**t for no reason.

It’s perfectly fine to shout ‘pass’, ‘switch’ or ‘man-on’ but there’s no need to be in everyone’s ear for the whole game.

It’s like having Brendan Rodgers talking utter garbage for an hour on end.

Liverpool v Manchester City - Premier League

5) Never-in-goal merchants

Do you have a player on your side that constantly refuses to go in goal?

These people are usually so busy resting their hands on the crossbar of the opposing team’s goal, waiting for the perfect opportunity to score, that they rarely even think about going in nets.

Lineker face

6) The one-two against the wall warriors

If Pep Guardiola had more hair then he would probably be pulling it out after seeing the lads who think it’s fine to beat a man by kicking it against the railings.

While it’s OK to use the sides when you’re defending, it’s a bit of a dick move to beat a man by playing a one-two with the wall.

Name and shame anyone that does this. Boo!


7) Full-kit wanker

No, just no.

FC Bayern Muenchen v Chelsea FC - UEFA Champions League Final

8) The constant trier

Any 5-a-side match will very quickly reveal those players with pedigree, skill and playing experience.

We really admire the dedication, effort and spirit of those players whose second touch might as well be a tackle but they’ll never be Messi.

FC Barcelona v RCD Espanyol - La Liga

9) Unbeatable ‘keeper

Have you ever lost a match and sworn that Manuel Neuer was playing for the opposition?

If a ‘keeper shows up to the game wearing gloves and the proper gear then it’s an ominous sign that they mean business.

Even if the opposing team are rubbish, a decent shot-stopper will always give them a fighting chance because his side will usually score a jammy goal and then rely on their one man brick-wall.


10) Five-minutes-late merchant

It’s a tough ask to get from your job to the pitch but there’s usually one person that’s always late.

The feckin’ pitch could be in their back garden and they would still be holding everyone up by five minutes.

Sam Allardyce wouldn’t approve of this poor time-keeping.

11) The Randomer

If a team is struggling for numbers then it’s time to dip into the 5-a-side transfer market.

Will your new signing prove to be an Ole Gunnar Solskjaer or will they turn out to be a Bosko Balaban?

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

12) Pirlo

The player on your team who…

Never runs. Never sweats. Never talks. Never panics. Never gets tackled. Never gives the ball away. Class.


13) The Underestimated guy

This player looks like he has probably had a few more drinks and nights out than most but because of this, he’s frequently written off as a liability or an easy target.

How wrong you are because this player usually has some silky skills, deceptive pace and quick feet.

Stealing the show comes naturally to them.


14) The terrifying one

Win at all costs. Ends justifies means. Nothing short of 100%. Put the fear of God into them.

You know the type, they probably prepare for the the match by watching tapes of previous games on repeat and banging their head against metal wiring.

This player has probably not slept a wink since the last game because they’re still enraged that your team conceded a goal in a 10-1 victory.

Then again, these guys are usually the people that drives your team towards success because everyone is petrified about the prospect of losing and pissing this guy off.

Keane Stare

15) The guy who never pays subs

The game is over, it’s been played in good spirits and everyone feels happy after a hard-fought match.

The only thing left to do is pay at the front desk.

Cue a member of your team vanishing like this.

If there’s any that we missed out then please let us know.