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24th Jul 2018

Thanks to the wonders of modern fashion, you can now look like a giant pair of trousers

God left us a long time ago and he is never going to return

Ciara Knight

Always wanted to look like a giant pair of trousers? Congratulations, your time is now.

Your eyes are not deceiving you. That, in front of your nose and also the rest of your face, is a bright pink jumpsuit that looks like a giant pair of trousers.

We are living in the golden age. You can make scrambled eggs in the microwave in two minutes, Armie Hammer is finally getting the roles he deserves, Freddos went down in price and now you can look like a giant pair of trousers if you truly want to.

Naturally, I’ve got some questions.

Had the designer ever seen a jumpsuit before?

There’s a very real chance that the designer has never seen a jumpsuit before. Let me set the scene. A busy online store has drafted in some extra hands to help with their busy workload. An intern whose Dad is a friend of the boss asks if there’s anything she can do to help. To keep her busy, someone tells her to design a new jumpsuit. This intern has consumed a large amount of drugs and also isn’t quite confident about what a jumpsuit is, but she wants to impress her new boss. She gets a very blunt pencil and knuckles down to work.

Midway through drawing the jumpsuit, the intern realises that she’s not fully sure what a jumpsuit looks like. She’s heard the word being thrown about, but never really thought to connect it with a physical item. She perseveres because she is not a quitter, also the precise cocktail of drugs she has taken simply won’t allow her to stop moving. She draws the jumpsuit as best she can, eventually realising that what she has drawn is just a comically large pair of trousers. Blinded by her own pride, she places it on the pile of clothing sketches that the office has for some reason. A buffoon then makes the outfit because, as previously stated, the intern’s Dad is a close personal friend of the boss. That is how this has happened.

What occasion would this “jumpsuit” be the perfect item to wear to?

It’s a Thursday evening, you’ve just arrived home from a long day of working with morons. You check the postbox and find a menu for the new sushi place that’s opened across the road. Underneath it lies a pristine white envelope with a stamp from your hometown. Hardly anyone knows your new address, so you’re instantly suspicious. You open the letter on the spot because delayed gratification was never something you’ve understood. Inside the envelope lies a piece of card with shiny edges. It’s a wedding invitation.

Your childhood best friend Chelsea has invited you to her wedding. She’s marrying Greg, the blandest dickhead you’ve ever had the misfortune of spending any amount of your time with. Chelsea completely dropped all friends when she met Greg, prioritising their connection over everything else, banter included. But now she’s come crawling back, begging for wedding attendees so she doesn’t appear tragically unpopular on her special day. You’re not going to get out of this one. You’ll have to grin and bear it, along with providing a hefty wedding gift of £200 minimum. There’s no way you can get back at her for ditching you. Not unless you wear something utterly ridiculous to ruin the wedding photographs. Enter stage left: giant pair of trousers.

Were the arm holes, as it seems, an afterthought?

We’ve already established, thanks to the bottomless garbage pit that is my imagination, how the dress was designed and then put into production. That is indisputable at this point. But regardless of the intern’s narcotics-induced drawing abilities, it’s likely that a professional had to step in during the latter stages of production to guarantee that a wearable item would be the end result. A few incisions here and there, some hem work, a pleat or two. Standard fashion terms, I can assure you. So how did the arm holes come about?

They are undoubtedly an afterthought, you can practically smell it. Anyone that’s watched an episode of Project Runway can attest to it. The armholes look unfinished. They’re sagging and provide no real space for movement. The model has adopted the above pose because that’s all the “jumpsuit” will allow. If she was to raise her arms above her head, the entire pair of trousers would shift upwards, causing the waistband to contract around her neck, exposing her legs from the knee down. She would suffocate within seconds. The arm holes have been born out of absolute necessity and fashion industry regulations, but provide no real function. This garment is a death trap and its flaws are clear as day.

Is the model, as her expression suggests, truly enjoying herself?

Here is what I imagine the above model’s thoughts to be at the exact time of the photograph being taken:

“This is the most comfortable item of clothing I have ever put on my body, therefore, it must be garbage. I shall reserve my judgement until the photographs go to print, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I may get turned into a meme here. Some idiot writer will probably pull a minimum of 1,200 words out of this innocuous garment, making up a series of irrelevant questions that don’t require answering, then push her views onto me in an unnecessarily lengthy and inaccurate quote.

Wonder what I’ll get for tea tonight, I quite fancy a chicken kiev but don’t fancy waiting for the oven to preheat, then a further 25 minutes for the damn thing to cook. Adulthood is just one disappointment after another. Still, at least my modelling career is back on track. It’s been a rough couple of months but I bet this is the turnaround point for me. I’ve got a good feeling about this jumpsuit. This is the one that turns everything around. I am having a wonderful time and I hope my face reflects that”.

Did God leave us a long time ago?

Famous landmark in Rio de Janeiro, ‘Giant Trousers The Redeemer’

It’s tremendously likely that The Lord, upon seeing the above pair of giant trousers, decided that all hope for humanity had finally been wasted away. We are, on the whole, beyond repair. Having faith is often cited as a good tool to make it through everyday life. When all around you appears to be descending into turmoil, a small amount of faith can go a long way. But when you see a jumpsuit that is intended to be worn as a legitimate item of clothing despite looking like a giant pair of trousers, you have to accept defeat and recognise that we are living in a soulless world.

I got in touch with God to see if he is still physically with humanity, in light of this jumpsuit fiasco:

“Hi Ciara, thanks for getting in touch. I abandoned humanity a long time ago due to a combination of factors that I’m not willing to go on the record discussing here today. But I will say this, any temptation I had of returning has been quashed upon seeing that unsightly giant pair of trousers. You lot are absolutely fucked. Seriously, get a grip of yourselves before things get any worse. We’re all laughing at you up here. Idiots”.