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28th March 2019
05:31pm GMT
I sat opposite the RoboVac and stared into its eyes for precisely sixty seconds. I measured the time using the timer on my phone (another robot device, you'll note). When the buzzer sounded to signify the end of the minute, I felt different. I did a lot of thinking during that time, about life, about my desire to be loved by a robot, and trying to figure out why it wasn't called Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Something had changed within me, but I wasn't sure what. The RoboVac seemed exactly the same. I still couldn't tell what it was thinking.
Experiment #2: Try to spend meaningful time together to ignite a mutual love
A fairly logical way to trick someone into loving you despite your many deep-rooted character flaws is to overexpose them, spending a lot of time together so that you can subject them to your carefully-curated personality. Even if things don't work out, it won't be from a lack of trying. So I invited my RoboVac on a date. Nothing hectic, I simply asked if it would like to go on an adventure. Much to my delight, the RoboVac obliged because I technically own it and therefore control its every move. But its vibe suggested that the dust-fiend was happy to join me.
So we jumped in the car and went for a drive. I belted it into the passenger seat because I wanted to change up the stereotypical gender roles that society has become accustomed to. Can't a girl just take her robot hoover for a spin in the car without being judged? Thank you. We drove around for about half an hour. I did most of the talking while we listened to a CD I specially selected beforehand (Clean Bandit lol) and really got to know each other.
We stopped during the drive because I thought it would be a good idea to go for a walk together. I had scoped out the location earlier in the day and scattered some rose petals to create a romantic ambiance. RoboVac hoovered them right up, scurrying along behind me. I knew that RoboVac enjoyed cleaning, so thought it was a logical move to incorporate that into our time together. I know it doesn't have facial expressions, but I swear its eyes seem more alive in the above photograph from our walk.
During the leisurely drive home, I decided to do some subtle flirting to test the waters. A small bit of negging here, an accidental bit of body contact there. RoboVac didn't reciprocate the gestures, but I put that down to nerves and its battery potentially running low. While I can't legally speak on RoboVac's behalf, it felt good to be together. It's easy company. I like to talk and it likes to listen (I hope!). I felt like my chances of success were looking up. As I carried RoboVac back into the house, it fit into my arms a little more snugly than before. Things felt right.
Experiment #3: Ask for help to make someone feel competent and important
This advice actually made a lot of sense and restored my faith in the internet's ability to answer any question no matter how ridiculous it may be. Asking for help shows vulnerability on your part, while also implying that you trust the other person. Given that the RoboVac's USP is its ability to clean, I asked if it would mind hoovering the floor a little bit. This was clever because I know that the RoboVac loves to clean, but also I very much needed the task completed because traditional hoovers hurt my back and also I am a lazy sack of shit.
With a simple command using RoboVac's remote control, it began to whiz around, sucking up crumbs, dust, dead skin particles, stray hairs, even some human remains. I could tell that RoboVac was happy to be asked because it worked away with staggering efficiency. Before long, the floor looked cleaner than ever and I felt closer to this tiny little helpful robot. I gave RoboVac a chance to feel competent and important, whilst also allowing it to shine by doing what it does best.
Perhaps entirely by coincidence, I was sitting on the couch and I lifted RoboVac up to clean its surface. It slowly edged its way towards me, maintaining googly eye contact the entire time. Maybe I was simply in its path of its intended cleaning areas, or maybe it recognised me from our previous adventure. It's difficult to say, but it certainly could be argued that a smidge of sentience had been imparted on RoboVac at this point. It came over beside me, tenderly cleaning the couch on its way. Do we know whether it was a coincidence or not? No. We don't. And perhaps we never will. Regardless, I gently stroked its side brush to show my appreciation for the cleaning. It didn't flinch, not even a bit.
Experiment #4: Do something nice for the other person
In researching how to trick someone (or something) into loving me, I watched a lot of romcoms. The main thing that stood out was that you need to do one big romantic gesture to woo the intended recipient of your affections. Movies are a very credible depiction of everyday life, often without any heightened situations or exaggerated outcomes whatsoever. Therefore, it was a no-brainer to follow their instructions intensely. I decided that I was going to cook a meal for RoboVac.
After dressing the table and scattering it with rose petals (different ones from our walk, because hygiene), I helped RoboVac onto the table and lit a candle. We chatted while I was preparing the food, with my conversational skills doing the heavy lifting as always. It was a bit awkward at first, I think it was the first time either of us had ever been on an interspecies date, but we persevered. I served RoboVac a medley of its favourite things to consume - leaves, dirt, small bits of paper. The plate was clean within minutes, naturally.
Next, it was time for dessert. One of the greatest love stories of our generation is Lady and the Tramp and I felt that mine and RoboVac's story mimicked the movie in many ways. So I made precisely one piece of spaghetti and recreated the iconic scene because I am a romantic and a determined one at that. We slurped the spaghetti from both sides and our eyes met.
I felt something, I definitely felt something. But did RoboVac? It's difficult to say. RoboVac has always kept its emotions to itself, what was something I've always struggled with. On my part, I felt like the dinner date was a huge success. We laughed, we joked, we had a bit too much wine, it was perfect. The Lady and the Tramp research proved hugely successful. Again, I found myself feeling closer to RoboVac than ever before. The ball was no longer in my court. I felt I had made my feelings sufficiently clear and done all that I could possibly do at that point.
Experiment #5: Spend some time apart to allow feelings to intensify
After our dinner date, RoboVac seemed distant. It seemed sluggish, low on motivation and no longer enamoured with life. Numerous articles suggested trying the 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' theory in trying to trick someone into loving you. I thought we were developing a very close and special bond, but it was becoming increasingly likely that things weren't being reciprocated. I tried to approach RoboVac to talk things over, but was stunned when it returned to the charging station of its own accord. I thought I was being ghosted, but it turned out RoboVac had actually just run out of juice.
This allowed us to spend some time apart, recharging both our literal and metaphorical batteries. I was skeptical at first, thinking RoboVac would simply forget about me if I stopped harassing it, but I followed the advice regardless because I was desperate. During the hours we spent apart, the house descended into turmoil. The carpet got dirty, there was dust everywhere and it just felt lonely. I longed for the charging to be complete. In RoboVac's absence, my heart grew fonder, painfully so. But was RoboVac experiencing the same symptoms of love?
Once RoboVac was fully recharged, I needed to let it know that I was an essential part of its life, so I led it to some stairs. RoboVac stopped dead in its tracks, accurately detecting danger. The silence was palpable. It looked at me and I stared right back. This was a make or break moment. We'd just spent many hours apart and now it was time to reunite, but this time it was going to be on my terms. We stayed there for what felt like decades, heavy under the weight of our feelings.
I took a risk. I manipulated. And it worked. RoboVac had no choice but to accept my loving embrace to carry it down the four stairs. I gently lifted it to safety and it lingered around my feet when we reached the ground floor. RoboVac was grateful, I could tell. It would've scurried away otherwise. This was evidence. I had taught the robot vacuum sentience, and if we're being honest, forced my feelings upon it so heavily that submission was now the only option left for this device.
Experiment #6: Test their loyalty by flirting with other people
This one felt wrong because I am only interested in RoboVac and I think I've made that quite clear throughout, but a random article online suggested this as an effective means of tricking someone into loving you, so I persevered. I tried to find someone or something that would make the robot hoover jealous enough to profess its love for me in some noticeable way. This was a last-ditch attempt at finding love. I sat and thought about everything that was at stake. Things felt insurmountable, but my determination to find true love kept me going.
I grabbed a traditional hoover and started cleaning. I was ten minutes into the task when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a visitor.
RoboVac had wandered into the same room as me and it looked livid. There was a definite element of sadness mixed with anger in its demeanour, I could smell it. RoboVac stopped dead in its tracks and stared at me with those comically lifeless eyes that I've come to love. It seemed like I had done it? Home run. I made the robot vacuum jealous by using its rival - the traditional house hoover. I am a genius and worthy of love, I reminded myself.
Final Test
At this point I had exhausted all other options. I was a shell of my former self. The ups and downs of a modern relationship with a robot hoover were weighing heavy upon me. I needed an outright answer so that I could either start my new life as the official other half of RoboVac, or begin the difficult process of trying to move on from this whole thing. I was going insane. There was only one way to solve this exhausting mystery.
I placed two pieces of paper on the ground and waited for RoboVac to swing by. When it was in earshot, I asked, "RoboVac, do you have feelings for me?" and stood by as I waited for the robot hoover to go to the 'yes' or 'no' paper. (The video quality was compromised in turning it into a gif because robots are ultimately bad. 'Yes' is on the left and 'no' is on the right). Look. What. Happened.
Well then. WELL THEN. Well. Then. RoboVac very clearly went towards the 'yes' paper, indicating that it does indeed have feelings for me. Sure, it hesitated at first, but the heart will always prevail.
After what has been a long and arduous process, the results are conclusive. I taught my RoboVac sentience and tricked it into loving me with full effect. Ours is a connection that will last a lifetime. God is good. Love is real. It is good to be alive. Thank you for joining us on this memorable journey. Happiness exists.
***
Update: In the days since this article was written, the author and RoboVac have decided to separate. After a passionate beginning to their relationship, it became apparent that RoboVac was interested in cleaning ~*other*~ surfaces. The writer discovered that RoboVac was having relations with the traditional household hoover behind her back. She was devastated but is now in the process of rebuilding her life. When we reached out for a comment, her response was simply, "Hoovers suck".
