Six questions about the Princess Diana memorial that need answering

Princess DiaNO.

11th September is a date forever etched into our minds due to the terror attacks that took place in 2001, and now it's etched even deeper thanks to a Princess Diana tribute that's appeared in Chesterfield Town Centre sixteen years later. https://twitter.com/shornKOOMINS/status/907364936220909573 There are numerous lines of inquiry I'd like to pursue on this one because, clearly, there's a lot of ground that needs covering. I'd like to begin with an apology in advance of what's to follow. Whoever made this tribute did it with the best intentions and that needs to be respected. Well done for trying!

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Question 1: Has the person that made the Princess Diana tribute ever actually seen Princess Diana? Perhaps he/she pieced it together from memory, which is always a terrific idea if you're approximately two years old and redecorating the walls at home with a series of heartfelt etchings of your immediate family members. However, when you've taken it upon yourself to make a tribute piece to the People's Princess, that probably merits a quick consultation of Google images and maybe even a printed photograph for reference. It appears that the artist involved has relied on his or her twenty-year-old memory of Lady Di, as the Princess herself surely would've wanted. Diana once said: "I don't go by the rule book... I lead from the heart, not the head". Perhaps the maker of this arresting tribute did precisely the same. He/she led from the heart, not the head. Diana's essence has been captured in a very unique way, without any apparent usage of a rule book.   Question 2: Did Picasso spiritually possess the artist during the time of construction? Pablo Picasso was a Spanish painter and sculptor who was famed for his use of Analytic and Synthetic Cubism. He took complicated shapes and broke them down into their simplest form, producing some exceptional pieces and boasting the first use of collage in fine art. His techniques often produced some bizarre yet lifelike shapes, gaining adoration worldwide and marking the beginning of a new era in the world of artwork. Although he died in 1973, we can't confidently rule out the possibility that Picasso possessed the person who made this Princess Diana tribute artwork. It has all the characteristics of a Picasso piece and spiritual possessions are happening more and more each day. Picasso's spirit may well have entered the artist and enhanced his/her vision. Would these internet trolls be making insensitive memes online if it turned out that Picasso's spirit had made the Princess Diana tribute artwork? Probably.   Question 3: What, for the love of Christ, has happened to her eyes? Not that the failure of this piece can be attributed to one single area, but it's important to pursue something so glaringly off-putting in a sensitive manner. Princess Diana had the most stunning blue eyes that conveyed her emotions in such a way that photographers were concernedly obsessed with them. When her and Prince Charles' marriage was clearly failing, the paparazzi would centre in on Diana's eyes which always spilled a truth that the rest of her could so expertly hide. Flash forward to 2017 and a person in Chesterfield has just taken their own interpretation and ran with it. If you asked a toddler to draw two eyes that look nothing alike, they still wouldn't have achieved this monstrosity. The left eye looks like a UFO which has a small plume of smoke trailing behind, whilst the right eye is literally Saturn. That is not a set of eyes, those are two different eyes belonging to two separate species. The quickest glance at a photograph of Princess Diana could've prevented this upset. Or simply having ever seen her face in your entire life. Either/or.   Question 4: What are the raw materials that have been used in this display of artistic prowess? I messed around with the brightness and contrast of the above image to get a better look at what's being used, but I'm still baffled. My best guess is that the artist has used Shredded Wheat and food colouring, along with some toenail clippings and dead skin. It's certainly an unconventional procedure, but one that could catch on pretty quickly. Realistically, everything has already been done in the art world. Banksy's pretty much got the market all sewn up, so artists are having to think bigger and bolder in the year of our Lord 2017. We could easily identify the artist if we just check the security cameras in every supermarket around Chesterfield Town Centre. Whoever's been buying up all their Shredded Wheat, nail growing supplements and Ped Eggs is obviously the culprit. However, it's likely that he/she wanted to remain anonymous in case of the inevitable worldwide fame they could receive for producing such a striking piece of artwork, so they may have covered their tracks by ordering online. We'll never get to the bottom of this, not for a million years.   Question 5: Has the artist ever seen teeth before or what? Princess Diana had lovely teeth. Much like herself, they were very white and straight. The artist's interpretation is lacklustre at best. Those teeth appear to have been fashioned out of a very old pair of shoelaces which were pristinely white when initially bought, but have since suffered the expected effects of wear and tear some eight years on. They were visibly laced in a pair of Converse, so the metal studs around the shoelace inserts have displaced a gritty substance due to a buildup of everyday dirt and residue. Perhaps he/she could've used the inside of an orange peel, some pieces of chewing gum or even the receipt from Specsavers, where they were pronounced legally blind. Those teeth serve no justice to anyone. If this was a tribute to Shane MacGowan, those gnashers would still be drastically unsuitable. Does this person hate Princess Diana? Did The Queen make this, or commission an excitable toddler to do it?   Question 6: Was the Fresco Jesus lady involved in some capacity? Surely I can't be chastised for drawing such an obvious comparison? The fact of the matter is this: There's a very strong similarity between the eyes, nose and mouth in both pieces and that simply cannot be a coincidence. All the signs are there. It takes an artwork ruiner at the tip-top of their game to successfully produce the results that we're seeing above. One very prominent person from the Art Ruining World comes to mind. If you'll cast your mind back, the Fresco Jesus incident took place in 2012 by a woman called Cecilia Giménez and she's been relatively off the grid ever since. She got her taste of worldwide fame and she clearly enjoyed it. It wouldn't surprise me one single solitary bit to learn that she had struck gold again by turning her efforts to the world of fine art. Even the brush strokes seem uncannily alike. I'm calling it here and now. Fresco Jesus lady did this because she wanted to go viral again. Case closed. Next meme please.