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08th Feb 2018

Ranking this year’s celebrity GBBO contestants based on their likelihood of winning

Martin Kemp's performance will surely be gold

Ciara Knight

On your marks, get set, rank!

High five a loved one, scream with elation and kiss a baby because this year’s celebrity GBBO contestants have been revealed.

But who’s going to steal the crown and earn the title of The Best Celebrity Baker In This Particular Series Of GBBO In The Year Of Our Lord 2018?

The Great Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off takes place later this year, so let’s keep ourselves occupied in the meantime by mindlessly predicting the winner.

20. Jamie Laing

Anyone that’s been on Made In Chelsea is far too posh to bake, those are the rules. If someone from Chelsea fancies a scone, they order the help to nip down to their local boutique supermarket and purchase pre-baked scones, along with some clotted cream, organic jam and gold flakes for decoration. Jamie will be a good sport about the whole thing, but ultimately his bafflement at the concept of cooking one’s own food will let him down.


19. Perri Kiely

Despite allegedly being 22 years of age now, Perri will forever be known as that adorable little boy from Diversity. He is simply too young and precious to triumph at baking. He will require parental supervision at all times, along with safety scissors and knives throughout the competition, which will slow him down. Also he will need to fit in a nap and 15-minute break for a juicebox and packet of raisins halfway through each task. It will all prove too stressful and he will get overtired and cranky, resulting in him being put to bed early.


18. Ruth Davidson

The leader of the Scottish Conservatives won’t triumph on GBBO because she will be preoccupied with thoughts about haggis and bagpipes, as all Scottish people are. Her technical bakes will involve some form of reference to Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons and such a delightful act of whimsy will be lost on the judges. Their fragile baking-oriented minds are notoriously bankrupt of respect for Scottish humour. Ruth will scandalously lose out to a poorly constructed croquembouche.


17. Bill Turnbull

Bill Turnbull is probably a terrific baker, but he’s going to be eliminated after a scandal emerges. One of the celebrity bakers will leave their butter on the counter to soften, but Bill will “mistakenly” return it to the fridge. Pandemonium will ensue, with Bill being branded a “cheat” and “scum”. He’ll have no choice but to step away from the competition, but not before roasting every single one of his fellow contestants. He’ll also call Prue Leith a bint.


16. Griff Rhys Jones

The Welshman is going to become the victim of a very cruel oven prank. One of the comedians will turn off Griff’s oven when his back is turned, meaning that his bake will be ruined. He’ll sit the mixture in a stone cold oven for 45 minutes, only to emerge precisely how it went in. Griff will step backwards in shock, then slip on a banana peel and fall backwards. A bowl of flour will then fall on his head, completing this slapstick routine and everyone will laugh, except Griff, who goes home without any baked goods or dignity.


15. Melaine Sykes

Melanie Sykes will fall at the final hurdle of her GBBO journey as she accidentally drizzles her three tiered cake with olive oil. Why? Because she has spent far too much time in the company of celebrity chef Gino D’Acampo throughout the course of her career. She’ll ring Gino afterwards and they’ll all have a good laugh about it, but Paul Hollywood will have to issue an apology to her as he’ll later get caught devouring the olive oil cake in his car on the way home, despite telling her it was “a disgrace”.


14. Kadeena Cox

The parasport athlete will have to cut her time short on GBBO as her cake will be crushed under the weight of her ten billion medals. Hollywood will joke that he could take a few of them off her hands since she has so many, but nobody will laugh because Paul Hollywood is a monster. Kadeena will go home feeling defeated, but then remember that she has won precisely ten billion medals, so she’ll use the lanyards to dry her tears. “Lol, the eventual winner of celebrity GBBO won’t even get a medal”, she’ll think to herself.


13. Ricky Wilson

The Kaiser Chiefs frontman will put in a decent stint on the show, but his musical commitments will hamper his efforts. His ambitious bake of a reconstructed scene whereby he predicts the London 2011 riots will end up taking too long to complete and he’ll have to serve it to Prue and Paul raw. They’ll taste it out of politeness, but Prue will loudly vomit in her own mouth immediately afterwards. Ricky won’t be too disheartened as he is still a man that is 100% fancied by my Mum ever since he was on The Voice.


12. Ella Eyre

Ella ironically won’t succeed in delivering a perfect pavlova as she criminally fails to get enough air into the mixture as she’s combining it all together. The entire GBBO tent will have a good laugh about the irony of her surname being Eyre and her pavlova not having enough air in it, but ultimately her fate will remain the same. Ella will go home feeling deflated and suffocated by her failure. The Eyre puns will be rampant in the mainstream media for days.


11. Harry Hill

Harry’s enormous shirt collar will have a detrimental effect on his GBBO dreams as it will lose stiffness in the humid baking tent. He’ll use a variety of techniques to get the collar back into a fully erect mode, but none of them will work. Harry will carry on baking like a champ, but ultimately his mind will be elsewhere. That oversized collar is more than a fashion statement for Harry. It’s his entire identity. Without it, he is just a strange man.


10. Tim Minchin

An Australian can’t win the Great BRITISH Bake Off. That’s not allowed.


9. Lee Mack

The comedian isn’t actually taking part in celebrity GBBO, this is just a very elaborate episode of Would I Lie To You?. Credit where it’s due, he’ll have everybody fooled right up until the final stages of the competition, but his showstopper will be a sheet of paper that says ‘LOL JK’, which the judges will decipher to mean that he was taking the piss the entire time. The man isn’t quite a pathological liar but goddamn it he’s a good one.


8. Nick Hewer

In a cruel twist of fate, the Countdown host is going to suffer a timer malfunction and end up baking his raisin cupcakes for a total of 17 hours. The producers will be forced to step in as his oven starts billowing smoke. He’ll insist that they’ve still got 12 minutes left to bake, but eventually learn that he failed to press the ‘start’ button on the countdown timer. Not to worry, it’s not like this man’s job requires exact timing precision of any kind.


7. Roisin Conaty

In another cruel twist of fate, Roisin will forget to put her game face on for the final bake and end up making a mess out of an Eton Mess. The irony won’t be lost on Roisin, who currently writes, produces and stars in a show called GameFace, but the adorable coincidence won’t be enough to sway the judges into giving her a second chance. Roisin will go home defeated, but then remember that her show has a 100% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes and feel pretty good about herself.


6. Stacey Solomon

A classic mixup will see Stacey accidentally preparing for I’m A Celeb rather than GBBO in the run up to the show’s recording. She’ll be eating bugs for weeks only to find out that all they want her to do is bake a very tall cake. Stacey will laugh off the misunderstanding, but end up falling ill due to her excessive consumption of insects in the weeks leading up to GBBO. She’ll make a full recovery but not before she becomes a viral sensation after someone makes a gif of her puking all over Hollywood.


5. Martin Kemp

Typical of the banter merchant that we both know and love, Martin’s going to ham up the Spandau Ballet puns in his bakes and end up running out of gold. His apple tart won’t necessarily need gold leaves as garnish, but Martin will refuse to serve it to the judges in such an unfit state. Tony Hadley will turn up for some reason and quickly get escorted off the premises, but not before he tells Martin to believe in his soul. It won’t work and Martin will bin the entire thing, then write a complaint letter to the makers of gold.


4. Joe Lycett

Joe’s commitment to buttering parsnips is ultimately going to lead to his downfall during GBBO. Despite getting a warning from the judges that he can’t simply roast and then butter parsnips for his bakes, Joe will continue to plate up some buttered parsnips for each task. Hollywood will lose his cool and throw the parsnips in the bin. Joe will urge him to calm down, perhaps by eating a buttered parsnip and Hollywood will snap. It will be incredible television.


3. Alan Carr

The nation’s favourite chatty man will narrowly miss out on victory because of his inability to stop talking. He’ll set timers for his bake, but fail to hear them going off as he talks at a staggering 7,000 words per minute. Prue will enjoy his conversation because she’s not much of a talker, but notorious grump Hollywood will bully her into eliminating Alan. His final piece to camera will have to be cut short as he is simply too chatty. Do you get it? His show is called Chatty Man and he talks for a living. This is a good joke.


2. Aisling Bea

Aisling will technically win this year’s celebrity GBBO, but they’ll spell her name wrong on the trophy so be forced to give it to the eventual winner instead as it’s easier to stick another name on top rather than trying to edit the engraving. She’ll be a good sport about it all for now, but in 16 years she will get her revenge on the GBBO empire. They won’t even see it coming. Aisling has suffered the wrath of having a pesky Irish name her whole life, this is but a game to her. Stay woke.


1. Teri Hatcher

Listen, contractually speaking they couldn’t just fly her the whole way over from Los Angeles and not give her the trophy. It was part of her long list of demands, including banning anyone from talking to her about Desperate Housewives and refusing to answer to the name Lois. She won’t even bake anything, it’ll all be store bought, but she will charm the judges into overlooking her cheating ways. Teri doesn’t suffer fools. She’s going on GBBO to win and she will do so at any cost. So, congratulations I guess?