Ranking the Royal Christmas card based on how recently each of them has farted
The Royal Christmas card photograph has been released and much like last year's effort, it's selflessly giving content creators worldwide a lot to work with on this festive Friday evening.
So what witty and borderline treasonous form will this year's feature take?
Well, as the headline suggests, I'm going to be ranking the Cambridges based on how recently they appear to have farted.
Is this necessary, is this vulgar, is this finally a step too far? Yes to all the above.
But regardless, this is a task that has worked its way into my festering mind and must now be seen through to completion.
From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely apologise.
5. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge
Kate Middleton hasn't farted since before the turn of the century. When things between her and William started to get serious, she underwent intensive psychotherapy, as all prospective royals-by-marriage must do, specifically to train her out of the habit of farting. A future Queen consort cannot produce flatulence, as is stated very clearly in the British constitution. It's likely that she laments the carefree days of her youth when she could mindlessly fart at will, sometimes even just for sport, but Catherine is a royal now and things have rightfully changed.
Her smile is marred with sacrifice. Kate gave up everything to become the woman she is today - being able to expose her legs without tights on, engaging in PDA with her husband, expressing political views, signing her name, taking a day or two to recover after giving birth and also, devastatingly, farting. Kate's very last fart is rumoured to have taken place on 15th August 1999. She had just eaten some homemade fajitas and excused herself from the table to let a great big whopper rip. Three days later, a massive earthquake struck the city of İzmit in Turkey. Coincidence?
4. Prince Louis of Cambridge
Prince Louis hasn't farted in a couple of days, which means he's ripe and ready to let one go in the very near future. Look at his expression, that's the face of a kid who's brewing up a storm downtown and might even bring a few friends along with him for the adventure. His diet consists mostly of liquidised nutrients at this point. He's yet to experience the wonder that is a toasted cheese sandwich. Louis' farts haven't even reached the beefy depths that one day they will plunge to. This is a very special time in a young boy's life.
The death grip on his mum's arm, teamed with his Mitchell-brother-esque facial expression suggests that his next fart is mere moments away. He's been building this one for days, clenching, nervously fidgeting with excitement. Prince Louis will be King one day and every great leader needs the backing of his family to do so effectively. But imagine this: Prince Louis could back himself, using his own flatulence for propulsion into this demanding role. No wife, no family, just farts. This is the future Britain deserves. Also, chap just looks like he'd drop an absolute woofer of a fart.
3. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge
Prince William, very clearly, has just taken a mammoth dump, presumably in the comfort of Kensington Palace's communal toilets. They're the ones that the staff use. For some reason, William likes to save his more substantial bowel movements for the public toilets to keep a little spark alive in his marriage. As a proud father of three, William needs to take each available private moment as soon as he gets it. Dropping a big steaming turd is a sacred act that deserves peace, quiet, personal reflection and at least three rounds of Candy Crush.
His facial expression suggests that the endeavour was a huge success. "Prince William has successfully vacated the throne", he announced right after he pooped. He says that every time he goes to the bathroom, which is something that was never meant to be leaked into the public domain, yet here we are. His smile is infectious. Prince William successfully pooped and he believes that you can too. All you need is the right attitude. If you like feeling satisfied, you should try Pooping™ today, champ.
2. Princess Charlotte of Cambridge
Mere moments ago, Princess Charlotte of Cambridge has farted. She's smiling because it's given her a natural release of endorphins, but also because she's done it right beside her baby brother's head and he's going to start crying once that putrid waft hits his infant nostrils. William and Kate will presume he's cranky because of the photo shoot, but Charlotte will be the only one who knows the truth. She's poisoned her brother's nasal passages with her malicious stank, right in front of the adoring public.
But there's more to the story. Charlotte may have farted in the last minute or two, but she's also concocting a follow-up. The initial deed may be done, but it's not over until she says so. There's more excitement on the way, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Charlotte is three years old now and has just worked out that the royals are untouchable. She can fart on any commoner in the land and legally, they can't press charges. Look into her eyes. This girl won't rest until she's farted on every continent, in every public space on earth. Stay woke.
1. Prince George of Cambridge
George is undeniably the most recent farter because he's farting at the exact moment of the photograph being taken. This is textbook delinquency. George has cocked his leg in a canine manner to aid propulsion, he's using his father's shoulders to steady himself and broadly smiling throughout the sinister act to send a strong message to the haters. Prince George will one day rule the land and when he does, it's going to be nonstop fart jokes and a nationwide campaign to reinstate the acceptability of workplace farting right across Britain.
He's five years old now, meaning George has just reached peak 'farts are fucking hysterical' realisation. Team that with the fact that he's being photographed wearing full length pants for the first time and what you've got here is the blinding smell of opportunity, and also fart. There's a reason why he normally wears shorts, and that's to allow a quick-release action of his odorous exports. Now the farts are trapped within the confines of long-legged trousers, it's a whole new experience for the kid. George was very clearly farting at the time of the photograph being taken and some say that he is still farting to this very day. Merry Christmas all!
Images via Instagram