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14th Nov 2018

Ranking the attendees of Prince Charles’ 70th birthday by how excited they are to be there

Beneath their smiles lie a truth that perhaps the world isn't quite ready for

Ciara Knight

Clarence House has shared the official photograph for Prince Charles’ 70th birthday

They’ve wasted no time in sharing the precious image which was taken on 5th September, keeping us waiting right up until Prince Charles’ actual birthday, which is today.

As evidenced above, there are varying levels of excitement being experienced by the royals. Some are jazzed beyond belief to be at a 70th BiRtHdAy BaSh BoNaNzA, others, not so much.

But whomst is the most excited? Who is just about ready to explode from the giddiness they’re trying to contain within? Who is having the absolute worst time of their life? Who is that tiny baby?

Relax. RELAX. Relax. I’ve ranked them so you don’t have to. You’re welcome, Britain.

9. Prince Louis of Cambridge

Chap is only six months old and already looks like a Mitchell brother who’s got a pressing grievance with his Mrs. Louis has more important things to be doing with his time rather than going to Grandpa’s party, such as drooling on every godforsaken item of clothing he owns, crawling around a bit, keeping an eye on the stock markets and eyeing up potential countries he’d like to invade when he’s in charge. Parties are yet to appeal to his precious mind. He can’t make himself sick with cake or alcohol yet. It’s a waste. Get him home to watch Paw Patrol, stat.

8. Charles, Prince of Wales

He’s had 69 birthdays before this one, the whole thing is merely a photo call at this stage in his life. Prince Charles is providing another mandatory public service so that the Royal fanatics have something to sate their appetites with through the holiday season, or at least until the Cambridges’ official Christmas card portrait is released. He’s got a child on his knee and his face is flushed from copious amounts of G&Ts, minus the T. Prince Charles is having about as much fun as one can have at their own birthday party where the dress code requires a full suit and pocket square.

7. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall

Camilla’s isn’t not excited to be there, it’s just that her mind is elsewhere. Rather than getting into the spirit of things and hoisting a child upon her lap like Charles has done, Camilla opted to sit side-by-side with Princess Charlotte sharing a private joke at the exact moment that an official photograph was being taken. Is this disrespectful? Yes. Is it treason? Again, yes. Her only job is to pose for photographs and shake hands with commoners, not point into the abyss for a small child, distracted by the futility of life and the inevitability of one’s impending mortality.

6. Princess Charlotte of Cambridge

Smothered by unwarranted affection from Camilla, Princess Charlotte isn’t having the time of her life. Look, she’s out and about, wearing a nice dress and chilling with family, but she’d rather be elsewhere. Charlotte’s attention is being diverted by Camilla, meaning she’s failing to nail her angle for the photograph. That’s a sinister move by Camilla, whereby she’s tried to ensure that she isn’t the least photogenic person in attendance. They’ve all had their pictures taken hundreds of thousands of times, they know that you’re supposed to look into the lens. This is a dirty move and one that Charlotte isn’t likely to forget once she starts getting to make some important Royal decisions.

5. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Kate isn’t even looking at the camera because frankly, she doesn’t want to. She’s furious. Would it kill William to hold the kid, just once? Kate’s lugged around an angry Mitchell brother in her literal body for 9 months, now it appears that she’s still on carrying duties. Charles and Camilla are tending to the other two rugrats while William stands bolt upright, free as a bird. This isn’t the life she signed up for. Unemployed, staff waiting on her hand and foot, having to pose for photographs and sitting on a net worth of £5m, she’s even missed her midday nap. It’s absurd. Life is tough enough without this nonsense.

4. Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex

Harry’s having a good time. He’s got a few months to go before he’ll be spending parties chasing his offspring around and ensuring that they don’t put forbidden contraband into their rich little mouths. Prince Harry has visibly been hitting the Royal sherry, as well he should be. Birthday parties are all about celebrating, but when it’s a family affair, things run a little differently. You’ve got to conduct yourself in a slightly more respectable manner, concealing your hip flask, opting not to go with a controversial fancy dress choice and having to sneak behind the garden shed for a smoke. Harry has it sussed. This isn’t his first Royal party, nor will it be his last.

3. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Look at the sparkle in his eyes, Prince William has done the maths. His father, next in line to the throne, is another year older. This means that William, in turn, is one step closer to the glory. Of course he’s smiling, he’s chuffed. Things are progressing nicely. He’s got precisely three children and a wife who actually seems to like him, everything is on track. Here’s a fun idea, let’s monitor the progression of William’s smile at next year’s celebration of Prince Charles’ birth, and the next one, and the one after that. The laughter lines will deepen, he might even pull a muscle. Mark my words. The man cannot hide his contentment for much longer.

2. Meghan, Duchess of Sussex

Of course she’s laughing, she’s done it. Meghan Markle has penetrated the Royal Family and infiltrated their culture. This is the poster image for scam artists worldwide. She even bought Prince Charles a birthday present, such is her commitment to this latest role. That’s right, she’s acting. The wedding, the pregnancy, it’s all fake. She’s starring in Sacha Baron Cohen’s next documentary where he tricks Prince Harry into falling in love with him. Meghan Markle doesn’t exist, it’s a character he’s spent years creating. We should’ve seen it coming. The man is an artist. Everything is a lie. Trust no one.

1. Prince George of Cambridge

Child! Has! Just! Eaten! A! Slice! Of! Cake! And! Is! Coming! Up! Remember when you were five years old and attended a birthday party? Granted, it would’ve been slightly different to Prince Charles’ 70th in the sense that Potato Smiles wouldn’t have been on the menu, but remember the excitement? Sweets, sugar, fizzy drinks, crisps, a bouncy castle! Life was at its peak when you were struggling to contain your vomit as you entered the bouncy castle for a fifth time after consuming your weight in garbage.

Roughly six minutes after the above image was taken, let there be no doubt that Prince George chundered everywhere. Kate reefed William in hushed tones for allowing him to eat sugar while Harry slipped George another edible necklace as Camilla tried to get Charlotte to call her ‘Grandma’ and Charles took a swig from his diamond encrusted hip flask. What a time! What a family! What a distraction from our impending mortality!