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23rd Apr 2019

An in-depth analysis of the official White House Easter photographs

Blink twice if you need us to rescue you, person dressed as a giant Easter Bunny

Ciara Knight

Merry 141st White House Easter Egg Roll to you and yours!

This weekend, First Lady Melania Trump hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn of the White House. It’s a tradition that dates back as far as 1878 and in the grand scheme of things, makes very little sense, but at the same time probably the most sense out of everything the current White House administration has done thus far.

Basically, a bunch of kids got to go to the White House garden and roll some eggs across the grass, among other allegedly fun activities. It’s a photo call for all involved, essentially.

How did this year’s celebration of Easter go? Surely as smooth as one can imagine?

Seemingly so, according to the imagery that emerged, but deep underneath lies the real truth.

The Easter Bunny, known for its astute sense of humour, made fun of President Trump gesticulating while Melania appeared to stare at her husband’s bottom with a disapproving expression. It’s also likely that the Easter Bunny is making it clear that he/she has no allegiance to the political activities that take place inside the building, and/or is being threatened by an assortment of weapons should it feel tempted to stray from the earlier rehearsal.

President Trump then did some colouring in because he has agreed with his handlers that for every hour of public appearances, he gets rewarded with 10 (ten) minutes of “private reflection time”, which consists of colouring in. His technique has come on leaps and bounds in recent months, with Donald finally figuring out that the easiest way to avoid colouring outside the lines is to stay very far away from them. He also sticks out his tongue as he says it helps him to concentrate better.

After taking far longer than his allotted ten minute colouring break, complete with a juice and snack break midway through, President Trump finished up his special project (colouring) as best he could, given the high-pressure environment of being surrounded by his peers. One of the children described it as “bad, very bad”.

If we look at the picture in greater detail, it’s clear that Trump has signed his name right across the sky, put an incorrect version of the American flag in one of the clouds and misspelled the word ‘pigeon’ in the other one. The young girl to the right of the President appears to have crumpled her design, likely due to feelings of inferiority next to such a professional effort coming from the leader of the United States. This is a successful secret project for The President and one of his better expressions of self.

Later, Trump is seen smiling as some music is played. Presumably, it is his favourite song, ‘All Star’ by Smashmouth, or the Russian national anthem. Melania, as ever, looks as though she is focusing very hard on remembering to stay upright and continue to breathe in, followed by out, at regular intervals.

Trump dangles a whistle in front of his visitors, presumably as an intended display of playfulness. This is his special whistle, the one he blows when he’s ready for his nap. On this particular day, he had two big boy naps and one quiet time-out allotment because he was being cranky and disrespecting those in charge. They blamed it on his insistence on staying up late to watch Peppa Pig.

Melania is seen here pushing a small child, alongside the President of the United States, who is showing specifically which spot he would like to see the child to falling down on. This is a traditional part of the White House Easter Egg Roll festivities, and one that POTUS and FLOTUS evidently take very seriously. The wooden spoon is simply for flavour.

In this seemingly-heartwarming image, First Lady Melania is touching palms with a small child to sap him of his energy. She will harvest his juvenile spirit and use it to immortalise herself, resulting in the ability to live forever and with an eternally youthful complexion. It may appear to be a high five, but things are far more sinister than that. Do not be misled.

In this image, Melania is reading a book to some children. Seems like a nice thing to do, but not until you realise that this book tells the story of Balloon Boy, a deeply troubling occurrence that took place in 2009 whereby two parents pretended that their six-year-old son had floated away into the atmosphere inside a homemade helium balloon. After a huge search operation, it transpired that the boy was at home, hiding in the attic all along. Melania is reading the story to these children, encouraging them to perform a similar act whenever they feel they’re not getting enough attention.

Melania looks on as a small child is about to jump onto a banana peel she cleverly concealed under the grass earlier in the day. He will sustain a very small bruise on his leg and be absolutely fine, but the effect it had on Melania will last a lifetime as this is the exact moment she discovered that watching children falling over is actually quite funny and something she will actively seek out going forward.

Most harrowing of all, this final image depicts a man or woman wearing a rabbit costume realising that they are not having a fever dream. Donald Trump is the 45th President of the United States.

Sweet dreams!