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31st May 2018

Nike’s fanny pack sliders have arrived and naturally we have some questions


Ciara Knight

Finally, two heavyweight fashion accessories combine.

Nike has answered the world’s prayers by creating a pair of Benassi fanny pack sliders. At long last, we can look fly as hell AND carry a very small portion of our belongings with us at all times. Behold, the fanny pack slider:

Look at the size of that absolute unit. What a dude. What a lad. What a time to be alive in this godforsaken world.

What’s that? You’d like an aerial view of these lads, but in a different colour scheme? No problem, coming right up:

Simply stunning.

I need you to do me a favour. Picture yourself rocking up to the club, being asked for ID and slowly unfolding your passport after whipping it out from your fanny pack slider pocket. “Free entry, today and always”, the bouncer says. “Drinks on the house”, he adds. Ecstatic, you scurry inside, the sound of jingling coins bouncing around in your sliders.

Sadly we haven’t got an official release date for these bad boys just yet, but we can expect to see them in shops very soon, so that’s very promising.

In the meantime, obviously some questions need to be answered.

Question 1: Are these shoes going to be categorised as casual wear?

If so, I shall heavily dispute it. Let me set the scene. You’re at a wedding. There’s blood everywhere because people are wearing brand new shoes that they haven’t sufficiently broken in yet. Their blisters have blisters. It’s a goddamn mess. You whizz across the dance floor and their eyes peer up from their bloodied feet. Instantly you become the source of their envy. You’re wearing luminous Nike fanny pack sliders and nothing else. Your naked body does a popular dance move which is known as The Floss. Everyone is transfixed solely on your feet because they’re glowing. Not only are you experiencing immense comfort, you also look fly as hell and you’ve got two neat little storage pouches in tow. You incorporate the big reveal into your dance moves, where you bend down, unzip both fanny packs and reveal two tiny banners, one says CONG, the other RATS! The newlyweds vow to love each other forever. You have made their day.

Question 2: What is the total capacity of the fanny packs?

Nike haven’t released this information just yet, but I’m assuming a bar of soap would be the maximum amount you could fit in each fanny pack. That’s not a bad storage limit, particularly if you’re very hygiene conscious. So what are you going to put in your Nike fanny pack sliders? Personally, I would keep a Freddo chocolate bar in each, some loose change and a USB stick. With these innovative shoes, you’re never going to need to use your pockets again. Downsizing is key and Nike are, as always, ahead of the curve. The chocolate bar will provide sustenance, the loose change is for emergencies and the USB stick (with WiFi capabilities) is your ticket to the information superhighway. With relentless discourse continually appearing online, you’re never alone. Nike fanny pack sliders are the key to happiness, friendship, success and maybe more. Prove otherwise. I dare you.

Question 3: Who’s going to be the first celebrity caught wearing them?

I’d put a large amount of money on an Olsen twin being photographed first, followed by the other Olsen twin and then probably Justin Bieber. That’s all it takes for a product to become completely sold out. Circulate images of two Olsens and a Bieber wearing something and it’ll fly off the shelves. Nike know what they’re at at this point. They’ve been going since 1964 and have a pretty solid marketing department in operation. But if they want something huge to happen, if they want their new fanny pack sliders to become more popular than the iPhone, there’s only one person they need to advertise their stuff. That person is Barack Obama and I can’t think of anything more perfect than his slender former-presidential toes slipped into a pair of fanny pack sliders with Michelle visibly swooning at the sight of them. Nike marketing department, call me. We can get this faultless plan in motion.

Question 4: Are people going to wear socks with these fanny pack sliders and if so, is the death penalty applicable?

It’s a grey area, but also very black and white, if you get me? The last executions in the UK took place in 1964, then capitol punishment was abolished for murder. But the death penalty remained a legally defined punishment for certain offences like treason, even though it wasn’t actually used, until it was completely abolished in 1998. So there’s no death penalty in the UK right now, but things change. If someone was to ruin the sanctity of Nike fanny pack sliders by wearing socks with them, I’m pretty confident that we could put forward a strong case for reintroducing the death penalty. Such a heinous act is dangerous, harmful and above all else, a very serious crime against fashion. A special product has come along, a once in a lifetime gift, and if people are going to disrespect that with the incorrect accompanying footwear, they don’t deserve to live anymore. It’s a harsh stance, but it’s also a fair one.

Question 5: Has fashion finally gone too far?

In a word, no. These supremely practical sliders are just the tip of the iceberg. The fashion world is always evolving and now this latest export shows that problem-solving is something that fashion can also successfully tackle. The fanny pack sliders will alleviate wearers’ concerns with where they should store their personal belongings, giving them peace of mind with a reliable storage pouch. So what happens next? What else can footwear solve? I often find that I get thirsty when I’m out and about, so if the soles of sliders could store water which is then attached to a very long straw that reaches all the way up to your mouth, they will have fixed every last problem facing the modern world. These aren’t just fanny pack sliders, these are the future. I’ll take eight pairs, thank you.

Images via Nike