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25th May 2018

Leaked audio from Meghan Markle’s Duchess lessons has emerged

This is definitely real

Ciara Knight

This is definitely real

It’s being reported that Meghan Markle is currently undergoing Duchess lessons.

The Queen has apparently enlisted her assistant private secretary to get Meghan up to speed on living the life of a true Royal.

Nicknamed ‘Samantha The Panther’, this firm but fair lady is going to guide Meghan into her new role as the Duchess of Sussex, as well as helping her and Harry get through their first year of marriage.

Almost unbelievably, the audio of Meghan and Samantha’s first lesson has leaked and JOE has received a transcript of the encounter.

Our legal team has advised us to regard the following content as 100% factual, correct and definitely real. We suggest you do the same.

Samantha: Right, let’s see how you walk….

Meghan: In here?

Samantha: Less of the stupid questions. Start walking.

Meghan: I guess I do it like this…

Samantha: Are you joking? Is this a joke to you?

Meghan: What? No?

Samantha: Then why are you walking like someone that’s halfway through a colonic and also has multiple ingrown toenails?

Meghan: Wow.

Samantha: Jesus, this is going to take decades. Another fucking Camilla.

Meghan: I’m trying my best here.

Samantha: Right, the walk is hopeless. Let’s see how you sit down. Here, use this chair…

Meghan: Okay, like this?

Samantha: Is there a campfire nearby that appear to be squatting over? Or have you just secured a role as AC Slater?

Meghan: No, I was told I shouldn’t cross my legs. This is how I sit.

Samantha: Yes but you shouldn’t look like a spatchcock chicken either. Just tilt them to one side like this. See, neatly together?

Meghan: That’s what I was doing.

Samantha: It’s fucking not, hen. Ankles together. Womanspreading has no place in the Royal Family.

Meghan: Yep. Got it.

Samantha: So I understand you’re an actress?

Meghan: Well, I was. Not anymore.

Samantha: But you still remember how to do it?

Meghan: To act? Yeah, you don’t really forget that.

Samantha: Excellent, well maybe you could act like you’re a Royal then.

Meghan: But I am a Royal.

Samantha: Brilliant. Really convincing. Now, let’s practice dining etiquette…

Meghan: Oh I’ve got this one down.

Samantha: Unlikely. Show me how you would eat this soup…

Meghan: Obviously with a spoon?


Meghan: Why not?


Meghan: Oh, sorry. I don’t like carrots, can they also check it for that?

Samantha: I hope you’re reenacting a scene from Corsets or Suits or whatever that disgusting show was because nobody should ever be this stupid.

Meghan: Ouch.

Samantha: I don’t even want to see how you hold your cutlery. You Americans probably use your bare hands like animals.

Meghan: Only for ribs!

Samantha: What the fuck are ribs?

Meghan: Are you kidding? Jesus. Your entire life is a lie.

Samantha: Great. Now show me how you drink from a glass.

Meghan: Like this…

Samantha: Right we’re wasting our time here. Nothing can be done. The marriage must be annulled and must fade back into obscurity.

Meghan: You’re a horrible person. I’m trying my best here and you’ve been nothing but rude. I’m still figuring this whole thing out and I’d appreciate some fucking patience.

Samantha: Okay, a sassy Royal. we can work with that. Show me what kind of outfit you’d wear for a dinner party?

Meghan: Maybe some jeans. A nice top. Heels.

Samantha: Sorry, I should’ve specified, the dinner party is for adults and is not, as you seem to have confused it with, a burger sitting on the side of the M1 after a paintballing day out.

Meghan: Ugh. I don’t know. A dress?

Samantha: Yes, continue.

Meghan: Something short, saucy, tight, giant slit up the side?

Samantha: No fuck this, we’re done. You’re absolutely fucked. The sanctity of the Royals is ruined. Her Majesty The Queen cannot have such an ill-equipped Royal in her family. I forbid it and I quit.

Meghan: *mutters* She’s not my Queen.