Wednesday, 29th August 2018. The day the world changed forever
Today, a tweet from The Times brought a questionable phrase back into public discourse.
"It’s TV that kills your sex life": people who own TV sets are 6 per cent less likely in any given week to “sweep the special chimney” https://t.co/zW23YdJRBY pic.twitter.com/amn2UMbWaV
— The Times and The Sunday Times (@thetimes) August 29, 2018
Despite it being the most hysterical concept in existence, is ‘sweeping the special chimney’ the best we can do?
The format of this investigation is simple, I am going to try to better the phrase by taking a verb + adverb + noun in a bid to create the greatest euphemism the world has ever seen.
If it cannot be done, ‘Sweep the special chimney’ will henceforth be crowned as the only phrase that we can use in relation to sex, going forward.
Tip: Many of the following euphemisms work best when you add “…if you know what I mean?” to the end of them, followed by a wink to no one in particular.
1. Sautée the starchy necklace
2. Tickle the beefy sangria
3. Scrape the lukewarm toaster
4. Latch the inverted trifle
5. Careen the wayward marquee
6. Ferment the luscious barn owl
7. Knead the fizzing turtle
8. Diagnose the swollen chinstrap
9. Marinade the earthy gospel
10. Stir the glistening zygote
11. Pickle the angry clergywoman
12. Sashay the eroding bain-marie
13. Caramelise the judgemental tricolour
14. Alienate the suspicious whisper
15. Induce the wandering cannoli
16. Pulverise the muted tuxedo
17. Defrost the leather flip flop
18. Antiquate the jittery facsimile
19. Gesticulate the partitioned funeral
20. Recharge the excitable salmon
21. Alphabetise the baker’s dozen
22. Loosen the preserved peaches
23. Shimmy the moistened turnips
24. Peruse the gluten free section
25. Negate the seasoned fire escape
26. Steam the damp Nuns
27. Disinfect the boisterous Fitbit
28. Hatch the greasy tulip
29. Wash the insensitive anchovy
30. Massage the 500g jar of wholegrain mustard
31. Dissect the luggage restrictions
32. Chastise the wandering scallop
33. Invigorate the meaty hatchback
34. Govern the glistening patriarchy
35. Diffuse the fragrant rucksack
36. Oscillate the superfluous yardstick
37. Transmit the bulbous turd
38. Sanctify the illuminated brogues
39. Fondle the medicated rodents
40. Exacerbate the harmonious teepee
Conclusion:
Indeed, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, ‘Sweep the special chimney’ is the world’s greatest euphemism.
Lead image via Facebook
