Is ‘Sweep the special chimney’ the world’s greatest euphemism? An investigation

Wednesday, 29th August 2018. The day the world changed forever

Today, a tweet from The Times brought a questionable phrase back into public discourse. https://twitter.com/thetimes/status/1034756686479847424 Despite it being the most hysterical concept in existence, is 'sweeping the special chimney' the best we can do? The format of this investigation is simple, I am going to try to better the phrase by taking a verb + adverb + noun in a bid to create the greatest euphemism the world has ever seen. If it cannot be done, 'Sweep the special chimney' will henceforth be crowned as the only phrase that we can use in relation to sex, going forward. Tip: Many of the following euphemisms work best when you add "...if you know what I mean?" to the end of them, followed by a wink to no one in particular.

---

1. Sautée the starchy necklace 2. Tickle the beefy sangria 3. Scrape the lukewarm toaster 4. Latch the inverted trifle 5. Careen the wayward marquee 6. Ferment the luscious barn owl 7. Knead the fizzing turtle 8. Diagnose the swollen chinstrap 9. Marinade the earthy gospel 10. Stir the glistening zygote 11. Pickle the angry clergywoman 12. Sashay the eroding bain-marie 13. Caramelise the judgemental tricolour 14. Alienate the suspicious whisper 15. Induce the wandering cannoli 16. Pulverise the muted tuxedo 17. Defrost the leather flip flop 18. Antiquate the jittery facsimile 19. Gesticulate the partitioned funeral 20. Recharge the excitable salmon 21. Alphabetise the baker's dozen 22. Loosen the preserved peaches 23. Shimmy the moistened turnips 24. Peruse the gluten free section 25. Negate the seasoned fire escape 26. Steam the damp Nuns 27. Disinfect the boisterous Fitbit 28. Hatch the greasy tulip 29. Wash the insensitive anchovy 30. Massage the 500g jar of wholegrain mustard 31. Dissect the luggage restrictions 32. Chastise the wandering scallop 33. Invigorate the meaty hatchback 34. Govern the glistening patriarchy 35. Diffuse the fragrant rucksack 36. Oscillate the superfluous yardstick 37. Transmit the bulbous turd 38. Sanctify the illuminated brogues 39. Fondle the medicated rodents 40. Exacerbate the harmonious teepee   Conclusion: Indeed, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, 'Sweep the special chimney' is the world's greatest euphemism.    

---

Lead image via Facebook