I watched Vlogmas videos to prove that every day we stray further from God's light
Every day we stray further and further from God's light.
It has recently come to my attention that something known simply as 'Vlogmas' exists. Although no dictionary definition is available as of yet, it can loosely be described as 'Christmassy video blogs', which take place every day in December, right up until Christmas day.
Religious or not, most can agree that every day, we as a society are straying further and further from God's intentions for the world. He wanted us to be kind to each other, focus on doing good things and keep Freddos at a reasonable price. On all accounts, we are failing.
I watched some Vlogmas videos to determine whether or not they are a contributing factor in humanity's downfall.
When I searched 'Vlogmas' online, Zoella was the first result. Did she invent Vlogmas? Who knows. Who cares. I settled on watching Day 11 - 'Snow Fail & Christmas Baking'.
The vlog starts with Zoella telling us that it's very cold on the day in question. Already, I'm hooked. YouTubers must instinctively know that the best way to get an audience enthralled in their content is to start with a subject as relatable as the weather. Zoella is cold. I too am cold. We are all cold. We are one.
Zoella was annoyed that she hadn't woken up to a snowfall, a feeling I too experienced last weekend. Just as she launches into a sad tale of the weather app deceiving her, like something fresh out of a movie, a few flakes of snow begin to fall outside. Zoe announces that it is both snowing and raining at the same time, then queries how that I possible. I found myself shouting "That's sleet babe" at the screen. Conveniently, she never pans the camera around to the window, so we just have to take her word for it.
Another player enters the ring. It's Zoella's boyfriend Alfie. They're in the car, heading to the supermarket. Alfie tells us that he's got two hoods on, which immediately establishes him as an absolute madman. I've only just been introduced to Alfie and already I can tell that he is a verified lunatic. Two hoods? Mate, this Vlogmas should come with a trigger warning for those in any way perturbed by massive legends.
They get to the supermarket, but not before slipping in a sweet little #AD about doing some baking for Waitrose. Honestly, I don't begrudge Zoella one bit. If a supermarket wanted to pay me to poorly bake some stuff for cash, I would 100% do it, no questions asked nor thoughts for preserving my dignity spared. Get that coin, sis.
Following Zoe and Alfie around the supermarket was actually quite therapeutic. They've got the luxury of being able to go shopping at off-peak times, which they definitely take for granted. Overall, they're efficient shoppers and don't have to pick the cheapest available variety of each item, which I deeply envy. But that's just the kind of behaviour you'd come to expect from madman Alfie with his two hoods.
They get back home and madman Alfie calms himself down to one hood. They laze around for a while, then Zoe opens her lavish Cadbury advent calendar because this is ruddy Vlogmas after all. In another relatable outburst, she can't decipher what her piece of chocolate is supposed to be. Credit where it's due, I couldn't work it out either. At least my Poundland advent calendar has easily identifiable chocolate. Take that, Zoella.
We don't actually get to see these #spon cupcakes being made, which isn't in line with the spirit of Vlogmas. Perhaps they get their own separate video for the sponsorship, or else a trademark Vlogmas move is to omit interesting content? Either way, we get to see the finished product and they're quite impressive, although hard to concentrate on. My mind was back two minutes ago still trying to figure out what that advent calendar chocolate was. Maybe a cow pat?
Just when it seemed as though the madness couldn't possibly get any madder, madman Alfie comes to inform us that he has only bloody gone and eaten the remains of the cupcake icing. This nutter went and squeezed the contents of the piping bag straight into his gob while Zoella was filming. Truly, if someone doesn't lock this man up immediately, there's no telling what he will do. This lunacy has to stop before someone gets killed, or worse, he might wear THREE hoods.
17 minutes into this 25-minute bonanza, the Vlogmas relatability shows no signs of stopping as Zoella tells us that she has got a spot that she cannot conceal. She asks the viewer to excuse her chin, and I indulge it because I like her. At present, I too have a spot on my chin at present. Mine isn't as rampant as hers, but it's in the exact same area. Does this make me feel closer to Zoella? Yes. Does this mean I am enjoying Vlogmas? Maybe.
For dinner, Zoella has a pie, some mash, cauliflower cheese and a healthy pile of greens. It looks delicious and again I find myself envious of her lifestyle. She's got a nice house, cute dog, Cadbury advent calendar, decent baking abilities and a spot, just like me. She's got it all.
This riveting instalment of Vlogmas ends with Alfie opening some Christmas presents, which the pair give each other every day during advent. It's a nice idea which confirms my suspicions that life is infinitely better when you're rich. Zoe got Alfie, aka the madman, some sushi decorations. It was insane because he had literally just eaten sushi earlier on that day, as he enjoy sushi quite a lot. Will the madness ever end? You'll have to tune in next time to find out.
I couldn't get enough of madman Alfie from Zoella's Vlogmas videos, so when one of his offerings popped up in the sidebar as a suggested viewing, I knew exactly what I needed to do, which was to reevaluate my life. But I put that off for another day and watched a Pointless Blog Vlogmas, or Pointless Vlogmas, as I have just decided to call it.
The video begins with a very excitable Alfie rushing downstairs to show us how their breakfast has arrived. I am 27 years old and I have never in my life gotten breakfast delivered to my house, so I struggle to achieve the relatable feeling that Zoella so perfectly provided me with with her opening dialogue about it being cold. Regardless, that breakfast arrived in..........you're going to shit when you find out........ SOME PIZZA BOXES!!!!!
Their smoothies arrived "in a flower pot", as you can see in the image, which is just about the most hilarious thing Alfie has ever witnessed. Add to that, the fact that their five person breakfast was decanted into pizza boxes for ease of transport and what you've got here is a typical day in the life of a madman. God bless the Deliveroo person that had to deliver that, who was apparently two and a half hours late.
In true Vlogmas spirit, the squad hit up an Apple store to avail of the internet which is much faster than their Airbnb's. It becomes apparent that they're heading to the airport soon, so the video title 'Flying Home For Christmas' makes a little more sense at this point, despite the fact that it was uploaded on the 4th December, a cool 21 days before the big day itself.
They get a taxi and saunter into the airport, but not before Alfie assures random passers-by that his new Vlogmas will be uploaded shortly. Why did he shout that at unsuspecting members of the public? Because as I have said time and time again, Alfie / Pointless Blog is a madman. Either get with the program or get lost, those are your options.
Not before informing us that airports are "so damn hectic", Alfie made his way to duty free and purchased a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre and a wireless phone charger. Will this madman ever be tamed? That's like asking if the Pope will ever skip mass. Alfie lives life on the edge. Whether it's wearing two hoods or declaring that airports are hectic, this is what you're going to see during Vlogmas.
They arrive back in London, or 'Home For Christmas', as the liberal title of the video suggests. But before leaving the airport, the squad hit up M&S for some essentials. Inevitably, the confines of an airport M&S isn't enough to tame Alfie Deyes, as he eyes up an advent calendar. What type of advent calendar would you pair with Alfie? Personally, I would go for a madman calendar, perhaps one filled with explosives or gin. But that's where I've misjudged this guy entirely. I've only known him for 8 minutes at this stage and I'm already learning that he's full of surprises.
Of bloody course this Vlogmas legend goes for the My Little Pony advent calendar!!!!! Nothing else will do when you are a rogue vagabond who simply cannot be tamed.
They arrive home to what I initially thought was a hotel but is indeed just their massive house. Alfie fires up the new wireless charger for his iPhone X and tries to fit two phones on it, but to no avail. He then pleads to Apple that they bring out a wireless charger that can hold and successfully charge more than one phone at a time. It's a fitting end to another gripping instalment of Vlogmas. I shall eagerly await Apple's response to this madman's quite sane request.
Despite making fun of their content, I actually quite like Zoella and Pointless Blog. They're normal people with very likeable personalities. It's nice of them to share their lives with total strangers, but also they get money in exchange for that, so it's all business at the end of the day.
Vlogmas is a manageable way to waste half an hour of your time. It's not going to change the world or inspire anything radical that could have any real impact on the universe, but that's fine.
The fact of the matter is that we are straying further away from God's light every day. That's not solely down to Vlogmas, but it's definitely a contributing factor. If you are thinking of doing Vlogmas this year, please don't. There are enough in circulation at present. Thank you.