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11th July 2018
06:42pm BST
Heels are worn for two reasons: To complete an outfit and to make your legs look incredible. Some kind of wizardry occurs when you wear heels which elongates your legs and gives them definition. Scientists have been trying to figure it out for years but very recently concluded that it is magic and likely involving the occult. So what kind of situation requires heels? A wedding, for example. Let's go with that. It's your wedding day and you want to be comfortable but also look beautiful. Why then, on God's earth, would you put your marriage in jeopardy by wearing heeled Crocs?
It's reasonable grounds for being dumped at the altar, frankly. Crocs are unforgivable. To get so far into a relationship where you're getting married, only to discover that the other person wears heeled Crocs, not even regular Crocs, but ones with a heel. It's grounds for execution, if I can go so far to say. The criteria for every bride's attire is something old, new, borrowed and blue. There is no necessity for something stomach-churningly repulsive. The situation for a pair of heeled Crocs does not exist. Unless it is for the journey to hell, in which case, good riddance.
Do they also make that easily-identifiable squelching Croc sound when you walk in them?
Think about the vibe that the sound of high heels creates in a movie. It's a classic scene where you hear the click clack of the shoes, then there's a slow pan up from the ground to reveal a beautiful woman who's about to do something sexy. Now imagine that the noise is replaced with the squelching sound that Crocs make, like a wet flip flop on a tiled floor. It's probably the least sexiest sound in the world, after Piers Morgan's voice and that weird little one-off hiccup people do after eating that comes through the nasal passage. A squelch, by and large, is not a sexy noise.
So do these heeled Crocs make a squelch? Truthfully, I cannot ascertain that piece of information until such time as I acquire a pair and methodically test them on every surface imaginable, but I can hazard a guess. Based on the images supplied on the website combined with my in-depth knowledge of Croc material, I am quite certain that heeled Crocs make a squelching sound when they come in contact with certain surfaces. The sexy nature of heels has now been ruined. They are no longer a method of seduction. Crocs have ruined everything, again.
What do the crocodiles have to say about this absolute outrage?
As a journalist whose work includes 'What ever happened to Enrique Iglesias' mole - an investigation' and 'What would it be like if dogs had Snapchat', it's my job to reach out to all parties involved in a story. It's a duty of care and one that I take very seriously. In this case, Crocs are associated with the animal. Has the crocodile community ever been asked if they're comfortable having their names attached to such a hideous footwear item? Are they perturbed or have they got other things to worry about? I reached out to Oliver, a crocodile, and this was his response:
"Hi Ciara, many thanks for your letter. As a crocodile, I have to say, I don't mind Crocs. This is probably because I am not a shoe-wearer myself, so haven't got much of a gauge on what constitutes as a nice pair of shoes or not. Aesthetically, they're different, but I respect their dedication to comfort. If I could wear shoes, would I wear Crocs? I'm not sure. It's a possibility? It depends on the terrain I'm navigating at the time. Anyway, I've got to get going. Best of luck with your investigation! Oliver x"I'm inclined to disregard Oliver's entire approach to the matter, mainly because he is a reptile and therefore his opinions do not count. Why do bad things happen to good people?
More of a comment than a question, this one.
Finally, are we, as a society, being Punk'd?
Yes, the TV show ended in 2015, but what if they're still working underground on a new series that tests the boundaries of humanity's tolerance. Trump, Brexit, outrageously priced Freddos, Crocs, it's all a test to see how much we can put up with. Things are coming close to breaking point and heeled Crocs might well be the one to give way, but until such time as the Punk'd producers come running out with a camera crew and an excitable Ashton Kutcher to let us know we've been well and truly had, we need to keep chipping away at everything as if it's perfectly normal.
It's the 2018 version of worrying about whether you're on The Truman Show or not. Every so often, many of us will whisper 'I know this isn't real' to ourselves, in the hopes that someone will slip up and reveal that you are indeed on The Truman Show. Every inconsistency will finally add up. We will be free, unleashed into The Good Place at last. A safe space where the right people are in charge, nobody gets tricked into leaving the EU by the side of a bus. All is well, all is calm. Liberty X never split up. Crocs never existed. Finally, we are at peace.
