Using an episode of Friends to determine whether a 'manny' is the right fit for Meghan and Harry
Can Megharry triumph where Rosschel failed?
It has "emerged" thanks to an "insider" that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are considering getting a "manny" for their as yet unborn child.
Most likely, this is utter garbage, but still, let's play along for a while. Allegedly Meghan is keen to find an American manny, paying him £70,000 and throwing in a free car for good measure.
The most famous Manny that I can think of is Manny Pacquiao, the Filipino boxer, but he's currently busy serving as a Senator of the Philippines, so he's instantly ruled out. Naturally, my mind then landed on that episode of Friends where Rachel and Ross got a manny. We must now use this to reach a well-informed opinion of Meghan and Harry's (alleged) decision.
So the premise is simple, I've watched the entire episode again while paying excruciating attention to the tribulations that unfolded.
Together, although very much I am on my own with this one, we will find out whether an American manny is right for Meghan and Harry.
There is a very real danger that Meghan will warm to the manny much quicker than Harry
During this particular episode of Friends, Rachel is instantly smitten with Sandy, the male nanny. He describes using a babysitter as "like leaving behind a piece of your heart", and Rachel just about crumbles into a million tiny pieces, each with suspiciously good hair. "Sandy, that's exactly what it is", she confirms, as Ross looks on with practically audible thoughts of skepticism. "Are you gay?", Ross asks, then swiftly learns that Sandy is engaged to a woman named Delia and deems him as simply "a guy who's a nanny", albeit still very much threatened by his presence.
It's entirely possible that a similar situation could arise between Meghan, Harry and their hypothetical manny. Harry may become threatened if their manny is as handsome as Freddie Prinze Jr., weary of the possibility that he could woo Meghan into a life that doesn't come with having your face instantly printed on a stamp. Tensions may arise, jealousy could set in, Harry could be forced to publicly state that he felt the Scooby Doo movies were disappointing overall, with the casting of Fred being a huge mistake. He will receive a black eye and be forced to cancel all Royal engagements for the foreseeable future. Paparazzi will lose out on work, the industry will crumble, jobs will be lost, Brexit will happen. This seems like a bad idea already.
The manny's emotions could be inexplicably heightened, requiring extra sensitivity when he's around
Sandy was an emotional guy, which isn't necessarily a bad thing unless it starts to interfere with your ability to carry out the job you've been hired to do. The signs were there from the start, as he choked back the tears upon remembering a former client of his, then Sandy burst into hysterics when Rachel delivered the news that he had successfully been awarded the position of being Emma's manny. Ross was rightfully suspicious from the start. A man that cries is one to be weary of. Men should never cry, they should simply take out their frustrations by screaming into decorative pillows as loud as they can.
Looking after a Royal baby is just like looking after a regular baby, except that if you make any kind of mistake such as giving it milk that hasn't been sufficiently warmed up, you can legally be sent for a beheading, or worse, get a stern talking to from a member of the Royal Family. Harry and Meghan have hectic lives, they're going to need some help with their baby and are lucky to be able to afford to do so. Will they be able to juggle public life with a blubbering mess of a manny who cries when he thinks about the end of Marley & Me twice a day? Mannies are notoriously emotional, as evidenced by Sandy in Friends. Will this impact on the baby's emotional development, culminating in him or her being referred to as the Royal Mess? Fuck, it might.
The manny could have a negative influence on Meghan's emotions
In the scene pictured above, Ross has just returned home to find Sandy and Rachel crying over the story behind Sandy's proposal to his girlfriend. They're both overcome with emotion, sharing a tear at the beauty of love and all that's involved in navigating the ways of modern romance. Sandy is cradling baby Emma while Rachel tends to her mascara which is in very real danger of smudging. Ross is alarmed by what he's witnessing, questioning whether a manny was a good decision for them, leaning into his earlier suspicions.
Now picture the scene with Prince Harry at the door, returning from a hard day of being worth £30m and being under no obligation to go out and get a real job. He finds Meghan, the manny and their newborn baby huddled together on their very expensive couch, using the finest silk handkerchiefs to stifle their tears. The manny is recalling tales of romance, triggering Meghan's emotions. She is unfit for her duty as a Royal, which involves not posting Instagrams on her personal account. Anything could happen with Meghan in this state, she could accidentally like an inspirational post that says 'Be the salt and vinegar crisp you want to see in the world', unintentionally affiliating the whole family with that particular flavour of crisp. Royals cannot express political opinions as severe as this. Faith would be lost in the system. Chaos would ensue. Fuck.
The manny could be tempted to play inappropriate songs for the baby on his recorder
After loudly arguing in the kitchen about hiring Sandy, Ross and Rachel return to the living room to find him playing the recorder to Emma. Sandy is playing 'Greensleeves', a traditional English folk song. It's widely speculated that Henry VIII composed this song for Anne Boleyn who allegedly rejected his attempts to seduce her, which means that Sandy was playing quite inappropriate music for a newborn baby. Given that Henry moved on from Anne and had her investigated for high treason, eventually ending in her being beheaded, this is a sensitive subject matter for the tiniest of minds to absorb. But Ross and Rachel didn't look into things that deeply because this is an entirely fictional TV series. Luckily, I did.
So let's imagine that Meghan and Harry find a manny. Then one evening, they return home from a banquet to celebrate the Royal baby having its very first Royal bowel movement. The manny is playing the recorder, also known as the devil's woodwind instrument of choice, and the song he's playing is 'Murder On The Dancefloor' by Sophie Ellis-Bextor. That song undeniably slaps, but it speaks of taking someone's life should they "kill the groove". This is a terrible message to give to a baby, Royal or not, filling them with the fear of being murdered should they put in a lacklustre performance on a dance floor. Mannies are dangerous and a very blatant menace to society, unless they play 'The Ketchup Song', that should be fine.
Their friends and family could end up liking the manny far more than they like Meghan and Harry
Whenever you introduce someone new to your friends and family, there's always a risk that your loved ones are going to prefer the new person over you. That's a simple fact of life and one that we have to bear with us at all times. In Friends, Joey gets on extremely well with Sandy the manny, learning more than ever before and ultimately ending up paying Sandy $20 for the great fortune of sharing his wisdom long after his time with Emma ends. Joey seems to have more interest in Sandy than Ross, Rachel or Emma. They play the recorder together, learn about the one type of boat that will never sink (friendship) and strike up a bond that we hadn't previously seen the likes of before on the show. It wasn't overly obvious, but their bond was eating Ross and Rachel alive. Trust me.
Suppose Meghan and Harry find the coolest manny in existence. He wears sunglasses indoors, he has a leather jacket, rides a motorbike (responsibly), knows all the words to André 3000's rap in 'Millionaire' and chews toothpicks for sport. Meghan and Harry dull in comparison. William, Kate and their clan will become besotted with the manny, inviting him over for dinner, trying to poach him for their own children's care. Everything becomes very messy, resulting in both families feuding over this wonderful male nanny. Tensions will mount, the Royal Family will crumble and they'll stop making The Crown. Claire Foy will be out of work and her career will suffer. We cannot let this manny destroy her livelihood. Not on this God's earth that we call home.
If Prince Harry ever has to fire the manny, he could end up having to confront some of his own deep-rooted personal issues
In the end scene of this stellar Friends episode, Ross ends up confronting some of his own personal issues when he fires Sandy the manny. It all stems from his father insisting that he be more masculine when he was younger, which Sandy's sensitivity has ultimately reminded him of. Ross' problem wasn't Sandy after all, it was himself. He was projecting his feelings of inadequacy due to past childhood traumas. Sandy, ever the professional, supports Ross through his revelation, reminding him that it's never too late to turn your life around and address your issues. Even in rejection, Sandy remains a constant professional.
So let's suppose Prince Harry wants to fire the manny at some point. Perhaps the manny sings to the baby too often, or refuses to take his shoes off when he enters the house, or likes dressing up in a Nazi uniform sometimes. Prince Harry will try to beat around the bush, but ultimately his true reasoning for firing the manny will come to light, whether he likes it or not. The manny will remind him of the simplicity of days gone by, when he was free to do as he pleased without suffering the consequences (so long as nobody was around to photograph his every move). A manny could threaten his complacency. Prince Harry will get angry, possibly punch a wall or accidentally subtweet his father. The Royal Family will be in tatters, facing a PR nightmare. The Queen will be stripped of her title, they'll have to put Mr Blobby (deservedly) on the currency, Buckingham Palace will be turned a Pret. It'll be chaos, all because Meghan and Harry decided to hire Freddy Prinze Jr. as their manny. This is a terrible idea. It cannot happen. Meghan and Harry must look after that baby all by themselves. That is their job now. The decision has been made. Good luck to them both.
Images via Netflix