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2nd August 2017
09:52pm BST
How on Earth were those three bears living in a house in the middle of the woods? Regardless of where the house was situated, it is not feasible for a bear to get a mortgage. The average mortgage applicant needs to be earning a minimum of £41,000 in the UK, which is almost double the average wage of £22,000. What jobs could these bears possibly have had to pull in that kind of income? Where would they store their earnings? Last time I checked, bears can't get a bank account because they are animals.
At this point, it's case closed. The story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears has been debunked. There's no house for Goldilocks to break into because bears live in the wild. Perhaps she could break into their forest, but they're usually open access for all. We've done it, we've exposed the largest plot hole in the story. I could end proceedings here, but I've got a lot more to say. Feel free to stop reading, it's your decision.
Plot Hole #2: Nobody goes for a walk while their food cools down
Not a sinner in the entire history of the world has ever gone for a quick stroll with their entire family while waiting for a bowl of food to cool down. You busy yourself with other tasks like scrolling through Facebook or lining up something good to watch on telly when you're eating. It defies every bit of human logic to stick on the trainers, round up the family and head out pounding the pavement. Those idiot bears were asking for an intruder.
Regardless of whether these fictional bears owned a house or not, there's just no way anyone would rationally decide to go for a family walk while three bowls of porridge cooled off. In my experience, a bowl of porridge goes stone cold in about ten minutes, so we're looking at a minute or two for it to reach an edible temperature. They couldn't go for a satisfying walk in such a short space of time. Plus, the porridge was definitely microwaved based on Goldilocks' reviews of them being too hot, too cold or just right. Why didn't they just microwave them better?
Plot Hole #3: Bears do not eat porridge
The typical diet of a bear is mainly that of an omnivore, meaning they eat other animals, plants, berries and insects. Unless they had prepared some sort of penguin porridge, the writer of Goldilocks and the Three Bears was taking us all for fools yet again with his/her assumption that they would eat porridge. Where would they even acquire porridge oats? Nipped into their local Tesco, was it? Wake up, people. This story is a farce and an insult to all who entertain it.
Putting previous points aside, let's pretend that a family of bears own a house and go for a walk while their porridge cools down. What we can't ignore is the fact that bears simply wouldn't choose to consume porridge. They much prefer a diet of smaller animals or even humans. This is like a human family opting to eat some piping hot bowls of sellotape for dinner, when literally anything else is at their fictional disposal. Those bears are far too domesticated for their own good.
Plot hole #4: The bearents' (bear parents) marriage was clearly breaking down
There seems to be a bigger issue at play during this tale. The story cites there being three beds in the house - one for the father, mother and baby bear. Why weren't the Mum and Dad sharing a bed? Marital problems, that's why. Throughout the story, they are portrayed as being a perfect family, but that seems to be far from the truth. Perhaps they were going for a walk in the woods to break the news to baby bear that he would be the child of divorced bearents from now on.
Let's also delve into the structure of the house a bit more. As seen in image #1 above, it's a sizeable house that the bears have allegedly purchased. There doesn't appear to be a shortage of space, so why are all three sleeping in the same room with three beds side-by-side? Surely Baby Bear should be moving into his own room by now, given that he's old enough to consume piping hot porridge and go for walks? Mummy and Daddy Bear need to set aside their differences and raise that Baby right. Otherwise, he will be a moron who believes in such far-fetched stories as this one.
Plot Hole #5: The break-in was clearly staged
Did anyone ever hear Goldilocks' side of the story? Was she locked up? Is there a police report? No. Nobody ever heard so much as a whisper from her because she very clearly doesn't exist. My guess is that the three bears staged the entire break-in for an insurance claim, to fund their divorce's legal fees. It's quite a common occurrence these days, with 1 in 5 Brits anonymously admitting that they have been involved in some sort of insurance fraud.
Is it safe to conclude based on the above evidence that the entire story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears, much like modern religion, is an elaborate lie that has gotten way out of hand? Yes, I firmly believe so. As far as fairy tales go, this one is misleading and far-fetched. We need to be educating children in a far more responsible manner about the threat of break-ins, perhaps without the addition of carnivorous mammals with blatant marital troubles. Myth busted.
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