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16th March 2018
12:35pm GMT

Me: Wow, so it all just comes down to looks?
Shamrock: Yeah, mostly. We also had to write a paragraph on why we deserved to be picked. Mine was pretty good:
Hello, top of the morning to you! I would like to be presented to President Trump because I have always wanted to travel overseas. It would be an honour to get to meet the President of the United States, regardless of his stupidity. Perhaps I can knock some sense into him or at the very least, convince Melania to impeach the prick. Also, I have intelligence that proves that this entire shamrock growing business is involved in illegal activity and I will not hesitate to leak it to the press if I am not successful in my bid to win this competition. Thank you!Me: Ah, that explains it. Shamrock: Explains what? Me: Nothing. So, tell me about the journey to Washington... Shamrock: It was brilliant. I didn't even have a passport before we left, so I got fast-tracked through the application process due to my importance. I felt like such a celebrity. There wasn't any space for me on the Taoiseach's private jet, so I had to fly economy. Being wheeling through to the departure lounge was fun, lots of people wanted to get photographs with me. I hope the bullies back at the greenhouse see my face splashed across the front pages and feel sick. I'm the centre of attention now, everyone loves me. I (sham) rock! Me: Okay. What about the flight? Watch any good movies? Shamrock: Well, here's where it gets a bit infuriating, I was stowed away in the overhead luggage compartment for the whole flight. They said it was so that I didn't dry out too much, but I think it was because they knew every passenger would want an autograph since I'm now a worldwide superstar. I would've been fine with the mass interest, it was so cramped and boring up there. Unfortunately, hot air rises, so every fart went straight up to me. It was a nightmare, I couldn't even watch any movies. Some loudmouth American was seated right under me, so all I could hear was how her 'distant relatives were Irish' and she 'felt a deep spiritual connection to the place'. Spare me! Me: That sounds awful, I'm really sorry to hear that. I presume things got better when you landed? Shamrock: Yes, thankfully. I got to meet Taoiseach Leo Varadkar and then we made our way to the White House. I made a joke that they should call it the Green House (after my hometown) but nobody laughed because I am a plant and do not possess any human-like qualities, such as a voice or sense of humour. Me: Yeah, totally. Can you describe how the ceremony went down?
Shamrock: After a police escort to the White House, Leo and I were separated while he dealt with the formalities such as brown nosing the President. I was placed in a holding room where I could gather my thoughts and spruce myself up a bit. The flight really took its toll on my pores! After a few hours, it was my time to shine. A member of Trump's security put his hands in places that will haunt me forever, allegedly to ensure that I wasn't harbouring anything prohibited. Aside from my hatred for POTUS and everything that he stands for, I was deemed good to go. Then, Leo picked me up and passed me over to Trump. Again, I was handled in quite an aggressive manner, then set aside.
Me: That's it?
Shamrock: Yep. I traveled eight hours to be passed from one set of hands to another.
Me: Wow. Sounds a bit unfulfilling?
Shamrock: Not really.
Me: Why's that?
Shamrock: Well, when I was in the holding room, I sprayed myself with some pesticide.
Me: Okay?
Shamrock: Wow, you really are slow. When Trump picked me up, he got some pesticide on his hands. You know what that means?
Me: He needs to wash his hands thoroughly with some warm soapy water?
Shamrock: No. The next time he goes to the bathroom, he's going to feel a slight stinging sensation on his winky, all thanks to me.
Me: Amazing. That's brilliant.
Shamrock: Thank you. I am the hero that the world both wants and needs right now. You're welcome, America.Explore more on these topics: