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05th Jul 2017

Every member of The Royal Family, ranked by their commitment to banter

No such thing as "too much" free time

Ciara Knight

Look, someone had to do it.

The Royal Family is full to the brim with scandals, history, and colourful characters, but which ones are the most banter? More importantly, specifically which member of the Royal Family provides the world with an endless supply of banter?

It’s about time these privileged folk are ranked by their commitment to banter, once and for all.

14. Prince Edward

He’s the youngest son of The Queen and Prince Philip, but also the least amount of banter out of all the Royals. He was head boy at school, but then somehow managed to get a C-grade and two D-grades in his A-Levels. The biggest scandal he’s been linked to is weaselling his way into Cambridge with such shitty results in his exams.

Edward worked at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s theatre company for a while after dropping out of the Marines, where he was said to have made tea for the artistic staff. I believe that can be described as the exact opposite of banter, as sanctioned by anyone that has ever experienced a sliver of banter in their lives.

He’s a spritely man at 53 years of age, so there’s still time for him to do something more banter-worthy than underachieving in his A-Levels. But for now, he is officially the Royal with the least level of banter.

13. Prince William

He’s second in line to the throne, but first in line for banter. Jk. Prince William is a very palatable young man, meaning he’s approximately zero banter at all times. The crown has always been in sight for William, so it’s likely he wants to maintain a very well behaved public persona.

The occasional tabloid story pops up where he’s enjoyed a night out with the boys (how fucking dare he), but the guy’s never been caught snorting cocaine from a stripper’s butt crack, so it’s not much of a scoop IMO. With that said, he was once caught Dad dancing during a ski holiday – THE SCANDAL!

From a young age, Wills adopted a very Dad persona, which he fell comfortably into with the birth of his children. There’s a genuine danger that William has never experienced banter, and is that really a man you want to see as King? Personally, I want to see a Banter King, or no King at all, frankly.

12. Princess Anne

The Queen’s daughter is 12th in line to the throne and 12th in line for Royal banter. Anne is big into charity work and is known for her fondness for all things equestrian, having previously competed in the Olympic Games.

In terms of banter, Anne is very strait-laced. I’m open to correction, but I couldn’t find any traces of her having engaged in anything noteworthy. She’s had a divorce, which is somewhat edgy, and when she was ordered to get out of the car during an attempted kidnapping, she responded with ‘Not bloody likely’, which I guess we could categorise under somewhat banter.

Anne once got fined £400 for speeding and her dogs were fined £500 for attacking some children. We assume she stepped in and paid because they hadn’t the funds between them. But in terms of scandals or outright displays of banter, Anne simply hasn’t given us the goods just yet.

11. Princess Charlotte

Yeah fair enough she’s only 2 years old but it’s still important to include her in this list. She’s fourth in line to the throne, but first in line to be called adorable. She’s cuter than cute, although she hasn’t quite developed that insatiable appetite for banter that some of her relations positively thrive off.

To date, she’s had a lipstick, flower and web named after her, which is pretty good going for a literal baby. A law was also brought into effect before she was born which states that any future male siblings cannot overtake her line to the throne, because she is (respectfully) a bad ass bitch.

I have no doubt that Charlotte will grow into a banter-craving young lady in the years to come, but for now, she sits comfortably in a position where she’s certifiably more banter than her father, Princess Anne and Prince Edward.

10. Princess Eugenie

Aside from having the perfect name to describe Robin Williams’ character in Aladdin, Eugenie has failed to make it lower than number 10 in this cut-throat list. This professional hat wearer is the youngest daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah, Duchess of York.

She’s an associate director at an art gallery and doesn’t have to carry out any public Royal duties, meaning she gets zero £££ from the Privy Purse. Hence, her banter opportunities are curtailed in comparison to some of her relations.

The most banter thing about Princess Eugenie is that she’s engaged to her third cousin twice removed and is therefore defying societal norms like a big massive legend.

9. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Seemingly the most normal member of the extended Royal family, Kate gives off a vibe that she’s engaged in something almost resembling banter in the past, particularly during her college years. The girl has 100% played beer pong, but it’s unfair to classify that as banter since it’s quite tame.

Her biggest scandal is relatively clean, but certainly contains traces of banter. Kate’s sister is a bit of a loose cannon and her arse took a large amount of the Royal Wedding spotlight. As we all know, there is nothing more banter than having a sister with a fantastic bum.

Some topless photos were leaked of Kate a few years ago, which is disgusting and in no way condoned. But what is condoned is that fact that she was on holidays in France with her husband and felt the urge to be naked. Nothing is more banter than getting your kit off on holidays, be it in the privacy of your own home or otherwise.

8. Queen Elizabeth II

This feels like a blasphemous placement on the list, but hear me out. The Queen is probably a lot of banter privately, but the serious nature of her job means us filthy muggles will never witness it publicly.

As Russell Howard once joked, she probably tucks herself under the bed covers at night and says “Look Philip, I’m a stamp”. The biggest tragedy of all is that we’re never going to see her making fun of herself or her, at times, ridiculous garments. We came close with that European Union flag hat a few weeks ago, but that may have simply been a big boring coincidence.

I don’t want to put Her Majesty at #8 in this list. She doesn’t want me to either, but it’s a respectable outcome and she’s still more banter than her wet blanket son Edward, so it’s not all bad news.

7. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall

She’s not the Princess of Wales we want, but perhaps she’s the one we deserve. Camilla mooched her way into the Royal family like a champ after much speculation about her and Prince Charles’ relationship. If memes existed at the time, she would’ve shot to worldwide fame, but alas, we live and learn.

Camilla scores major banter points due to the transcript of a phone call between her and Charles leaking to the press in 1992. It was fucking delicious and precisely what the world needed at the time. The talk between the pair of them can only be described as ‘utter filth’ but also extreme banter.

She’s an old dawg, respectfully, and well able to talk her way into the depths of the Royal family. The gal has got some serious game. Any woman that sincerely says “I need you all week. All the time” to Prince Charles deserves mad respect and banter recognition because ew.

6. Prince Charles

Together both in life and this deeply important list, Charles and Camilla deserve to be ranked side by side. Similar to his good lady wife, I’m basing this decision solely on their saucy phone conversation that leaked all the way back in 1992.

During this conversation, Charles suggested that he would like to be Camilla’s tampon, and said that he would like to feel his way along her “all over, up and down, in and out…” like a modern day Shakespeare. This old dog also talks a filthy game.

Other notable acts of banter include dating Princess Diana’s older sister before he realised he’d chosen the wrong one, getting caught kissing a man and having ears that could double up as a boat’s wind sail.

5. Princess Beatrice

She’s the eldest daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah, Duchess of York, as well as being seventh in line to the throne and seventh in this extensive banter list. Before January of this year, she would’ve had a much lower listing, but recent events have prompted me to change my mind.

Allegedly, Princess Beatrice was at a party, pretending to knight James Blunt with a sword (as one does), when she accidentally nicked Ed Sheeran’s cheek, resulting in him requiring stitches. Has a more banter sentence ever been constructed in the history of the world? Unlikely.

Whether it’s true or not, the fact that Princess Beatrice is potentially partying with such pop heavyweights as Blunt and Sheeran, as well as carrying out fake knighting ceremonies, means she deserves mad respect in the banter department, even if it’s all a load of made up shite.

4. Prince Andrew

He’s Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip’s second son, but he’s also the fourth most banterful member of the Royal Family. His marriage to and subsequent divorce from Sarah Ferguson was quite a source of banter given that she was slightly left of the typical Royal spouses.

In 2010, Ferguson was filmed by a News Of The World reporter saying that if she was given £500k, Andrew would meet the donor and pass on his business contacts. Although he denied any knowledge of the situation, having your name brought up when your ex-wife is being filmed undercover is extremely banter.

Air Miles Andy has been linked to a number of expense scandals, which makes him potentially a thug, but undeniably a reliable consumer of taxpayer-funded banter.

3. Prince George

The beauty of Prince George is that he’s merely three years old, so hasn’t willingly engaged in banter yet, since it’s been scientifically proven that the banter part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until the teenage years. So any banter Prince George provides us with is completely unintentional, thereby making it the purest form of banter known to man.

Most Royal engagements are unsuitable places for a child to attend, so when George is roped into the proceedings, some exceptional photography is guaranteed to emerge. That kid cannot mask his disinterested face, so we get realtime reactions which are prime for meme and banter opportunities.

There’s a look in George’s eye that suggests divilment. Give him 5-10 years and we’re going to see headlines about the Rogue Royal / Potty mouth Prince / Banter Merchant who’s third in line to the throne. We’ve already seen his anti-banter mother pulling him aside for a stern talking to at Pippa’s wedding, who knows what lies ahead.

2. Prince Harry

More banter than Prince, Harry is an inspiration to us all. He seems to be fully aware that he’s unlikely to ever be King, so is determined to have a decent dosage of banter every damn day, as God Himself intended.

Harry seems to be the most normal Royal, in the sense that he enjoys sports, drinking, parties and the general outlook of a 32-year-old millionaire. He’s been caught doing a number of banter things, such as *gasps* smoking cannabis, underage drinking, going a bit heavy on the costume at a fancy dress party and playing pool naked with a group of girls in Las Vegas .

The lad oozes banter and the Royal Family would be a lot less interesting without him. He’s growing into a fine young man and is nicely teed up to take over Prince Philip’s levels of inappropriate bants.

1. Prince Philip

There can be only one.

Prince Philip has a special place in the heart of the nation because at his very core, the man is one of the biggest banter merchants the world has ever seen. He exudes banter, he craves banter, he is banter.

From proclaiming that ‘British women can’t cook’, querying the gender of a Kenyan woman, mocking the dietary habits of the Cantonese people, asking a Scottish driving instructor how they ‘keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test’, Prince Philip’s sense of banter can simply be described as relying heavily on national stereotypes.

Questionable slurs aside, there isn’t a Royal alive today more committed to banter than verified lad Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh. The crown, just this once, is his.


Royal Family