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19th Dec 2017

Every Cluedo character ranked by their insatiable horniness

Someone had to do it

Ciara Knight

We have finally run out of content.

Cluedo is the absolute best board game in existence, that is not up for discussion here today. Frustration and Ludo fans can respectfully do one, your time will come.

It’s important to acknowledge that Cluedo is quite a sexually charged board game. There’s something a bit too sexy about the whole thing, between the various implements, secret passageways and some of the characters’ undeniable horns, it’s basically tabletop porn.

But who is the horniest murder suspect of them all? The age-old question that will now finally be answered.

6. Mrs White

This old dawg is a cook for the family and has worked for them for over 40 years. It’s more likely that she’s going to be caught stirring up a casserole than giving off any sexual feelings towards any of her fellow suspects. Mrs. White doesn’t particularly exude horniness and it all comes down to that shower cap of a hat she insists on wearing. If it’s in the interest of preventing food contamination, she has been sold a dud because her hair is clearly escaping the confines of the hat at every opening.

It’s a common fantasy that some people get a kick out of, the servant offers up something a little extra outside their usual remit of services and everyone is satisfied, but I just don’t get that vibe off Mrs. White. She’s an elderly lady and she’s married. The only horn she possesses is for justice. Should she be found guilty of the crime, it’s unlikely she would’ve interfered with the body post murder. In this case, her hands are clean and dry.


5. Reverend Green

He’s not entirely exempt from being extremely horny, but we need to remember that Reverend Green is a man of God. He would rarely allow his unholy urges to get in the way of him doing his job. He’s not the type of man that would lay his horn flat on the table for all to see, he’s got more of a reserved horn, a hidden horn, if you will. The man may never have had a sexual encounter in his life, which has resulted in the suppression of his horn altogether. We simply don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Green is good (platonic) friends with Mrs. White. I hypothesise that the pair spend more time scoffing at the blatant horns of their counterparts than indulging in the wants and needs of their own respective horns. The man, by his own admission, isn’t fond of parties, meaning he’s certainly never had an orgy of any description in his life. You’d sooner find him crouched down behind the church altar stroking his bible than himself or anyone else.


4. Mrs Peacock

She’s more horny than you’d think, but less horny than half of her fellow Cluedo murder suspects. The woman is posher than posh and fond of a gossip, but that doesn’t mean she’s not entitled to get her kicks in whatever fashion she pleases. Mrs. Peacock is a married woman who dresses like a burlesque dancer, so all signs point to a sizeable yet respectable horn. Not that an outfit can convey one’s horn, but the addition of an umbrella suggests that Peacock isn’t fond of getting wet, but always comes prepared. Sorry.

There’s rumours circulating that she’s being blackmailed, but what ever for? Revenge porn, that’s what. Someone’s threatening to leak her nudes and intimate videos online unless she pays up. Maybe that’s why Mrs. Peacock was driven to (alleged) murder. Her reputation is extremely important to her, so if it got out that she was a crazed horny lunatic, she’d be ruined. Peacock would never work in this town again, the saucy minx. For these reasons, I give her four horns out of six.


3. Colonel Mustard

That, my friends, is the stance of a man that is fond of intercourse. His legs are sufficiently spread, his jacket fitted to perfection, arms hidden behind his broad and broody back, topped off with a tease of a smile that would make the most extreme of frigid folk go weak at the knees. Colonel Mustard is a dapper military man with a horn larger than Gary Barlow’s tax arrears. He douses himself in Sex Panther every morning and primes himself like a pig for slaughter.

It says above that he left the military due to “suspicious circumstances”. What possibly could those circumstances entail? His horniness, that’s what. The man specialises in weaponry, but it turns out that the biggest weapon of all is buried deep within, hiding like a fugitive from the authorities. Colonel Mustard is horny. You can practically taste it. You might catch Mustard without his monocle for a brief moment, but that’s only because it has fogged up from an excess of horniness. His surname might be a condiment, but as close as you’ll get him to using one.


2. Professor Plum

This man is gagging for it and won’t stand for your judgement a second longer. He’s getting on a bit in life, but that hasn’t curtailed his insatiable appetite for coitus, not one single solitary bit. The Professor has a quiff for fuck sake, that’s the most blatant sign of a massive horn since winking was invented. His stance suggests that he’s thoughtfully sizing you up (for relations), but we all know he’s a Yes Man, regardless of age, gender, race or murderous tendencies.

The dude’s an archaeologist, a profession which may as well be renamed to ‘sex-pestery’, so notorious are its folk for being horny. He was “cleaning his artefacts” when the murder took place, but I think we all know what that means: he was watching anime porn. Professor Plum is so horny, he finds it difficult to concentrate during Cluedo and is constantly making seedy references to his plums, the scamp. Basically, what we are dealing with here is a very horny man and the second horniest Cluedo murder suspect overall.


1. Miss Scarlett

Even her stance alone suggests that this woman is fond of fornication. That low cut dress didn’t design itself, she probably had it tailored for maximum impact. The hat’s a crime against fashion, but let’s overlook it for the moment, there are bigger crimes being committed during a game of Cluedo after all. Miss Scarlett exudes horn. She is at one with the horn. The slightest flick of her hips and the other suspects go crazy for her mysterious ways. Also the colour red is sexy as all heck and she fucking knows it.

Miss Scarlett is an actress, but her dedication to the art of seduction is far from an act. She once seduced the notoriously frigid Reverend Green and suggested that they make a baby and call it Yellow, although we’re not sure if that’s based on the Coldplay song or if she had the logic to figure out that red and green makes yellow. Either way, Miss Scarlett is the horniest character from Cluedo and probably guilty of the murder as a result of some (alleged) Amanda Knox style sex game. Case closed.




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