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5th July 2018
06:45pm BST
IKEA Pros: Literal restaurant incorporated into the store, items are actually on display so you can touch them and get measurements, you can get an ice cream on the way out, Daim bars, funny names for products.
IKEA Cons: Very big (too big?), confusing to backtrack if you stray from the guiding footsteps around the store, too many people, parking is a joke, trolley pandemonium, feel compelled to buy dumb things because they're so cheap.
Argos Pros: Huge selection of items, feels exotic to say 'Argos', can reserve stuff online, free pens if you're sneaky enough, good for a last-minute panic bought present.
Argos Cons: Shared computer screens, not enough seats at the collection point, disorganised queueing, catalogue is too heavy to bring home, staff know you're out of your depth.
Winner: IKEA - you get to have a feast halfway through the experience.
Score: Sweden 1 - 0 England
Round 2: ABBA v The Beatles
ABBA Pros: Dancing Queen, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!, The Winner Takes It All, Chiquitita, Super Trouper, jazzy outfits, always suspected they had orgies together.
ABBA Cons: Both Mamma Mia movies, allowing Pierce Brosnan to sing, Waterloo, Benny seemed shady sometimes in interviews, Anni-Frid is actually from Norway.
The Beatles Pros: Here Comes The Sun, Yesterday, Come Together, In My Life, incredible suits and haircuts, Abbey Road.
The Beatles Cons: I Want To Hold Your Hand, Yoko Ono, Ringo's real name is Richard.
Winner: The Beatles - Music is infinitely better.
Score: Sweden 1 - 1 England
Round 3: Alicia Vikander v Barbara Windsor
Alicia Pros: Ex Machina, The Danish Girl, Anna Karenina, seems like a nice lady, married to Michael Fassbender, wears nice outfits to awards ceremonies.
Alicia Cons: Tomb Raider, slightly aloof.
Barbara Pros: Carry On, EastEnders, national treasure, "Get out of my pub", fictionally birthed the Mitchell brothers, once said in an interview "I run around men like a tit in a trance".
Barbara Cons: Absolutely none because she is a goddamn national treasure.
Winner: Barbara Windsor - no contest.
Score: Sweden 1 - 2 England
Round 4: Meatballs v Fish & Chips
Meatballs Pros: Usually come in a large batch, taste good, can be served with literally anything, make you feel fancy if you use a knife and fork, generally good lads.
Meatballs Cons: Sometimes they are too dry, literally no idea what's inside them, could be seahorse, could be leprechaun intestines.
Fish & Chips Pros: Delicious, can eat them at any time of the day, smell is incredible, eat with hands (as God intended), SALT!, feel proper patriotic eating them, overwhelming choice of sauces to dip them in.
Fish & Chips Cons: Sometimes there's not enough crispy chips in the bag.
Winner: Fish & Chips - again, no contest.
Score: Sweden 1 - 3 England
Round 5: Queen Silvia v Queen Elizabeth II
Silvia Pros: Longest serving Queen of Sweden, glam bitch, co-founded the World Childhood Foundation, shares a birthday with Carla Bruni.
Silvia Cons: Weak chin.
Elizabeth Pros: The Crown was a very good series, almost born on 4/20 (4/21), loves dogs, is a stamp, reminds me of my granny, only person in the UK allowed to drive without a licence, owns an elephant.
Elizabeth Cons: Speaks fluent French.
Winner: England - don't fancy being done for treason.
Final Score: Sweden 1-4 England
It is indeed coming home.
