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30th August 2018
02:23pm BST
Harry seen here wearing a paint-stained apron, clutching a pencil in an intimate embrace with a skeleton. A disapproving painting looks on as the pair appear to be announcing their engagement through a standup routine. Despite the entirety of the skeleton's insides being on show, it's still a demure look. Their connection is palpable. Am I suggesting that something untoward took place between Harry and the set of bones beside him? No. But am I ruling it out? Again, no.
Didn't we all befriend skeletons during our time at school? We were each assigned one and encouraged to joke around with them, saying things like "I bet your favourite TV show is Bones, AM I RIGHT? Oh it's actually Grey's Anatomy? Yeah that works too, I guess". The professors loved it when we manhandled the teaching aids, in fact, they encouraged it. Just kidding, I once saw a teacher aggressively snatch a Bunsen burner from a fellow student's hand as she attempted to light it using a novelty sized cigarette lighter she'd just whipped out from her own pocket. A common occurrence at Eton, surely.
Harry's room was modestly kitted out, just like yours and mine
"Hi, I'm Harry Mountbatten-Windsor and welcome to my typical student crib". Harry's Boudoir has visibly been given a thorough cleaning before the photographer arrived, but left a tiny bit of smut intact so suspicions wouldn't be aroused. At a glance, we can tell that he is a hydrated, tidy, clean and studious young man who fancies Halle Berry something rotten and sees the benefit in using cups for a variety of purposes other than liquid receptacles. He's a champion among his peers, as evidenced by the beefy hifi system taking pride of place on his chest of drawers.
Harry's clearly got a hefty allowance, much like the rest of us did, proven by him using an electric toothbrush as opposed to a peasant one. Every one of us had a room identical to the scene pictured above when we were at school. We were allowed to stick up posters without being threatened with certain death if the Blu Tack stripped the paintwork, play music at a volume louder than the ideal level for a mouse, bring beverages upstairs without fear of spilling them all over the carpet. Cut from the same cloth, us and Harry.
Harry's school had intentional dogs, just like yours and mine
Man of the people, Prince Harry had a perfectly wholesome time at Eton. He befriended two canines, seen above, who appear to be at great ease with the Royal. He's teasing them with a tennis ball, such is the extent of their close relationship. Some might suggest that this was a constructed moment, but look at how natural their body language is. Prince Harry is sitting on the floor, just like the dogs. He is running the risk of creasing his suit, but it's all for a worthy cause - charming those sick dogs into submission.
The dogs seem at ease too. Well, one of them. The one furthest away is fixated on the tennis ball, presumably because it's being held by a Prince, so fair game. But the little chap nearest the camera, he's not playing ball, both literally and metaphorically. There's a story behind his eyes, something Kay Burley would likely identify as sadness, but let's not get into that today. This is a typical school day scene. We all had intentional dogs at school. We didn't have to daydream about the time a dog wandered into the yard in the hopes that it would happen again. That simply wasn't reality for us all.
Harry cooked toast while wearing a tuxedo at school, just like you and I
Notorious cheeky scoundrel Prince Harry sits on countertops, just like you and I. It's not all plush leather couches and chez longues for the Prince, as he often has to slum it in kitchens with hideous linoleum floors and grubby walls with insufficiently placed electrical sockets and haphazardly arranged notice boards. Just because he's royalty, that doesn't mean he's exempt from having to stick his toast on for a second blast of heat.
Sometimes he'll forget about it and end up burning the damn bread beyond repair, but this time he's nailed it. Playfully snatching the sufficiently bronzed bread as it pops up, life is but a dream for Prince Harry. He might spread some butter on top, maybe a smattering of jam, just whatever he's feeling really. What we're seeing in picture form here is the fact that Royals are just like you and I, they eat their toast in tailor fitted tuxedos one slice at a time. They are trusted with kitchen appliances at school. Squished room temperature ham and cheese sandwiches never passed through their gullets, nor did they yours and mine.
Harry peacefully explored his artistic side, just like you and I
Here we see Prince Harry spending a quiet afternoon alone in the art studio, presumably painting, although we haven't got any evidence that there's even so much as a brush in his hand at the time of the above photograph being taken. Still, this was a very typical school activity for us all, lounging in the scenic art room, left alone to flex our artistic muscles and really be at one with our inner selves.
The grubby apron is a nice touch, suggesting that a uniform at Eton, or our own schools, were in any condition other than pristine. Prince Harry would never wear a paint-sodden apron. It's not fit for a Royal, nor was it fit for us. We all painted in hand-woven Egyptian cotton overalls while a peasant from the neighbouring village distributed the paint evenly on the brushes. We were hand-fed grapes at our command and fanned with a palm tree leaf to keep our body temperatures regular as we created magic.
But what is Harry creating on this occasion? What wondrous adventure has his mind taken him on?
Oh. Ok. Shit. How do u delete pic?
Harry indulged in a modest amount of fun, just like you and I
Another typical scene from any college across the country here, whereby one of the students is having a bit of fun with a statue of Perseus holding the Gorgon's head. They jest in times of high spirits, console each other through times of woe and generally have a strong and deeply spiritual connection that will last a lifetime. Such fun! Prince Harry, even at 18 years of age, had a terrific sense of humour and playfulness about him.
Certainly a similar occurrence went down at my school, whereby a girl got expelled for taking a literal shit on the bonnet of another student's car because they were embroiled in a bitter love triangle. Truly, we are all one of a kind. Eton isn't some elite school where they're living in a borderline Hogwarts level of fantasy land. They get up to everyday mischief, just like you and I.
Harry played hard, but he also worked hard, just like you and I
Prince Harry seen here polishing his boots because he is a regular 18-year-old boy whose life revolves around study, sports, having a net worth £40 million, polishing boots and posing for staged photographs in an attempt to seem relatable. His grandmother, the literal Queen is tightly cropped into the left corner of the photograph as she looks on proudly at her grandson's accomplishments. He remembers her fondly each time he posts a letter or spends money because there she is, staring at him expectantly.
We all had a similar workload at school. Everything we've seen Prince Harry doing was an entirely normal occurrence for us all. And now look at us, each and every one of us, thriving. The dizzying heights of success we have reached weren't an accident. We've worked hard to get to where we are. Truly, the grind never did stop. We worked hard, we played hard and now we are all sitting on a net worth of £40m. Congratulations, school-goers, despite all the odds, we made it :)
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