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28th November 2018
06:29pm GMT
The offending Instagram post was uploaded on 26th November, 2018. That is precisely 1,200 days before the official start of the Christmas period. David 'Too Good For The Law' Beckham is boldly disregarding this punishable crime in the public domain, to all 52.2 million of his rightfully outraged Instagram followers. This is chaotic, irresponsible and something that is fully unacceptable in today's society, especially for a man in such an influential position as he is.
Does David scatter rose petals around the house in January, a cool month before Valentine's Day? Does he eat pancakes in July? Does David Beckham commence his advent calendar in April? Unrelated, but still important - does he fancy any of the other Spice Girls? The man is sick.
Crime #2: Wearing A Corduroy Flat Cap!
David Beckham is a man that was officially given the title of Most Stylish Man Alive by GQ, yet he continues to besmirch the award by pushing boundaries that simply should not be tampered with. A corduroy flat cap, much like the discovery of the microwave, is a man-made mistake and a catastrophe. The only use for a corduroy cap is if you quite literally want to make headlines, which is something that David Beckham has no trouble doing.
Not only is he wearing the offensive accessory out and about in public for all nearby to see, he has then posted it online so that his millions of Instagram followers can witness it as well. It looks like a Peaky Blinders character has been transported into the 70s and forced, at gunpoint, to blend in. The man is perverted.
Crime #3: Legitimately Using AirPods!
Noted sicko David Beckham has done it again. He has brought great shame upon his intimidatingly attractive family by wearing the devil's earpiece, a pair of AirPods. We cannot see that he has one in the other ear, but please trust me when I say that I know that he does. He's got both in and refuses to take them out, even when speaking to people, causing them to wonder whether he's actually listening to them or to the sweet sounds of 'Smooth' by Santana featuring Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty.
This is just the latest perverted act by a man that once had the audacity to wear a sarong on his summer holidays. He probably had a pair of Crocs waiting for him in the lockers when he returned the ice skates. The man is a sick filth.
Crime #4: Clashing With His Daughter's Outfit!
As the old saying goes, black and white - perfectly alright, but orange and red - rather be dead. David 'selfish pig' Beckham has purposely worn an orange scarf to clash with Harper's red jacket. These actions are unforgivable. More unforgivable than that time he kicked a comically bad penalty against Turkey in the Euro 2004 qualifier. The man is on a path of self-destruction and will stop at nothing until he has successfully transformed into even more of a monster.
What kind of father puts on a clothing accessory to keep himself warm without consulting his daughter's outfit to eliminate any potential clash of colours? There's a reason why he's never won Dad of the year, clearly. Peter Andre would never. Jeff Brazier would never. Rio Ferdinand would never. Prince William would never. Even Les Battersby would never. The man is disturbed.
Crime #5: Taking A Very Poor Selfie!
Possibly the most heinous aspect of this whole debacle is David Beckham accidentally exposing himself to be a horrific selfie-taker. The man has no game, whatsoever. The angle, the lighting, the framing, the lack of any aesthetically-pleasing depth of field, it's a goddamn mess. David Beckham has done many questionable things throughout his career, but this is the worst, the very worst of it.
Which is more awful - committing murder or taking a bad selfie? The jury's still out on that one, oh no wait *touches earpiece* hang on a second, they've decided, it's taking a bad selfie. There's no excuse here. David has been unemployed for years, playing the role of a glorified househusband. His main requirements in life are to tend to his family and take selfies with adoring fans. Evidently, he cannot do either of those things. The man is unwell in the head.
Crime #6: Weak Instagram Caption!
Naming his daughter after the number on his football jersey (Seven) is now the second most repugnant thing David Beckham has done in his life, with his substandard Instagram caption now taking the top spot. "Christmas is coming", oh is it David, aye? Wasn't sure pal, thanks for the reminder. I expect Easter is on the way as well then, yeah? Such is the passage of time and all that. Pancake Tuesday is giving it a miss this year I heard? Oh that's untrue because we cannot stop time? Okay then.
The Santa emoji is the mark of a moron who's scrambling for some word association to appear quirky, it was very blatantly either that or a Christmas tree in the final draft. "Let's go skate" is just bad grammar. It's either "Let's skate" or "Let's go skating", David. Read a book. Learn your first language FFS. The black love heart is grim as well. How dare David Beckham put such a weak Instagram caption out into the public domain. This is the worst thing he has ever done. Proudly kissing his daughter on the lips is sweet though, good on him.
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