8 foolproof excuses for when you’re not arsed going on a night out

People are annoying.

Friends are worse. They have the audacity to invite you to do things without so much as a momentary regard for your pre-confirmed plans to sit around on your arse doing nothing for the evening. Sometimes you run dry and end up fabricating blatantly false excuses to avoid all human contact. Your dog can't die twice, apparently. Here's 8 foolproof excuses to use the next time your pals are hassling you to be social (ugh).

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1. The Bloody Alarm  The key here is to commit to your stupidity, leaving your friend too baffled to reply.   2. The Outfit Dilemma Evidently, it's not enough to pretend you've got nothing to wear, you need to let on that you've become the victim of a very specialised robbery.   3. The Lost Phone Again, the key here is to confuse your friend to the point that they can't quite tell if you're making it up.   4. The Illness It's likely you might get called out on one of your lies when bailing on a night out, so always be prepared to land an anonymous third party in it.   5. The Unexpected Death The 'chat soon' here implies that your death is nothing serious and you hope to walk it off, God willing.   6. The Family Emergency Don't be afraid to scare your friends a little. Once you put their mind at ease, they'll be too relieved and amused to be angry at little old you.   7. The Work Excuse Never let anyone call you out on your bullshit. If you want to spend the evening revelling in the musical genius of one of the greatest artists of our generation, you bloody well do it, champ.   8. The Worry Nobody will understand your love for Flounder and that's their loss to be honest. Yours is a bond like no other that is sure to last an eternity <3