Men. We're always putting our feet in our mouths.
Normally you can give a cheeky wink and a smile to brush off life's faux pas and bad jokes without too much bother.
But when your wife/girlfriend/fancy woman/mistress/boss/sparring partner is pregnant, it's a whole different ball game.
Tread carefully with those wayward feet my friend, because that foot in your gob could quickly become a stiletto in your arse if you say the wrong thing.
Being pregnant is a very special time in a woman's life. The sickness, the hormones, the swelling, the sleepless nights, the bladder weakness.
So if you want them to be the best days of your life too, then listen up....
1. Is it the hormones?
If you want to keep your arsehole high heel-free, don't mention the 'H' word unless you want to still be sh*tting the last remnants of a Christian Louboutin out next month.
It's a touchy subject at the best of times, but asking a tired, emotional and over-worked pregnant lady if she smashed up the photocopier "because of the hormones" is a very bad call.
Pregnancy can be stressful, anxious, confusing and exhausting (it's bad for the mums as well..., joke!) and hormonal changes can bring about mood swings (mood hurricanes might have been a better term).
But for the love of all things holy, don't ever think about dropping the H-bomb to a mum-to-be because you'll be the one left paying for it.
2. Who's the dad?
There are times when you wish you could turn back the clock and take back all those silly things you said.
When you're lying in the recovery position, gasping in agony and nursing a swollen pair of balls after asking "Who's the dad?" with a cheeky grin on your face, this will be one of them.
Even if your partner/friend/colleague has had more bangs than a judge's gavel, don't be
that guy.
Don't risk a functioning pair of testicles for a daft joke you think she will find 'top bantz'. She won't. Ask my bollocks.
3. Was it planned?
"Do you have scant regard for contraception and sexual health?" ... "Was this child a horrific drunken mistake?"
Both are strong alternatives you should consider instead of the time-worn classic "Was it planned?", you know - just to spice things up.
This is what you're implying - and worse - when you utter those three suicidal words.
Of all the things you could possibly say to a women who is expecting a little bundle of joy, this is Katie Hopkins-level ignorance.
You might as well start whacking yourself over the head with a handbag, because your swift punishment is on its way.
4. If I ask nicely will they put an extra stitch or two in?
Start writing a list of banned jokes now. Finished? Right, at the very top of that write the word 'vagina gags'.
If you enjoy long walks, being able to count to 10 on your hands and eating soup with a spoon rather than a straw, then keep these jokes locked away in your brain.
You might think you're the next Jimmy Carr, but this is one appallingly-bad oft-repeated line that won't have her in stitches (pun intended).
The grand irony is, you'll be saying that very same line when the nurses are removing that shoe.
5. You're huge!
I can't believe I'm having to warn people about this, but men up and down the country are still falling foul of this golden rule. Too many people have died at the tip of these words for me not to speak out.
If she was a bull (and please, please don't ever make this comparison during pregnancy) then this would be a red rag.
Nobody wants to feel like a Michelin Man blimp trying to do a three point turn in a Topshop changing cubicle, but that's how pregnancy can feel to a woman.
No good can ever come of you highlighting this fact. No good at all.
Variants like "Is it twins?", "If you think your belly's big, you should see your arse" and "I'll ring Greenpeace" are all on top of the danger list.
Steer clear of these 5 things and you might just survive to see the birth...but you'd better read this first.
