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14th November 2017
11:00am GMT
Dad doesn't have time for your bullshit in this particular instance. He's all business and treats you like a potential assassin, refusing to give you any more than the bare minimum amount of information required.
2. The Helpful Reminder
Although it's under your arse every day but not particularly a huge concern, your car's welfare is never far from Dad's mind. On occasion, he'll send a slightly passive-aggressive text that's seemingly helpful but ultimately a reminder that you don't know shit about cars.
3. Mum's Birthday Saviour
Thankfully, Dad often comes to the rescue to make up for your ineptitude at being a considerate human being. He was spot on in knowing that you wouldn't remember your dear mother's birthday, so he's got a contingency plan in place. You now owe him.
4. The Holiday Text
Although he 100% has more information about the flight available to him in the airport at present, Dad still somehow thinks that you know the secrets of the internet and can just nip into the dark web to find out how long it'll be before he's sipping Sangria by the pool.
5. The Tech Query
Despite blatantly having some knowledge of modern technology, Dad likes to assert his ignorance from time to time. He sees it as payback for reminding you that your car is shit. Also, he's signed the text just in case you hadn't his number saved by now. How thoughtful.
6. The Mundane Update
Sometimes it feels like Dad is literally just texting you to let you know that he's still alive. He'll give you a very mundane update, often garden-related purely to get your attention. Don't feel under pressure to respond in this situation, as it's likely you'll be a sarky little shite if you go with "COOL".
7. The Sass Text
You haven't been in touch in a while and Dad is not impressed. Perhaps you failed to respond to his important daffodil update above, so he's pissed off. The logical course of action here is to ring the moany bugger and hear all about how the neighbour's dog won't stop barking. Banter.
8. The Debt Collection
Dad's in a quirky little mood today, isn't he? Never one to forget a debt, he's gently reminding you that you owe him a small sum of money, whilst also trying to make a quick buck. He's blatantly employed the help of one of your siblings for this one as he'd never find that emoji of his own accord.
9. Mum Intervention
Mum's taken a lend of Dad's phone because you haven't been answering her calls, you cheeky pup. It's a life or death situation as we can see with the use of all caps above, and you'd better reply quickly before she calls the boys in blue and has them tap your phone to get some answers.
10. The Accidental Text
With all the professionalism of a world leader, Dad swiftly rights his wrong in this gripping two-part text series. What's even more impressive than his jarringly abrupt tone is the fact that he's managed to accidentally text you, whose name, alphabetically speaking, is a million miles away from Tom.
11. The Dad Joke
There isn't a word in the English language strong enough to describe the unbridled sense of satisfaction Dads get when they think of a joke. Completely oblivious to how diabolical the gag actually is, he'll still send it to everyone in his phonebook like some kind of terrorist comedian.
12. The Even Worse Dad Joke
Not content with your lack of approval of the previous joke, Dad decides to go all guns blazing with this one. He fancies himself as the next Billy Connolly and you're going to have to entertain him whether you like it or not. A relatively painless way of ending this is to reply 'Haha very good', then he'll hopefully stop for a while.
