Pizza is the only pure thing we have left, so can everyone stop ruining it, please? 5 years ago

Pizza is the only pure thing we have left, so can everyone stop ruining it, please?

It all started in Iceland. The country, not the supermarket.

President of Iceland Guðni Th. Jóhannesson probably didn't mean to cause a bust-up when he said he was “fundamentally opposed” to pineapple as a pizza topping and would ban it if he could, but you can't barrel into a subject as deeply personal as pizza toppings without starting some kind of international incident.


Many people agreed with Guðni and enthusiastically joined the cause to see pineapple banished, with some pizza professionals even refusing to serve it on a pizza. Sensing that he was at the centre of a rather doughy situation, Guðni backtracked.

“I do not have the power to make laws which forbid people to put pineapples on their pizza,” he said. “I am glad I do not hold such power.”

But Pandora's box had already been opened. Opinions were hot and ready to be served by the slice, and everyone had something to say about what sits on top of the cheese and tomato. However, it quickly became apparent that putting fruit on pizza was the least of our concerns.


Behold, a 21st century terror: the pea and mayonnaise pizza.

Sweet Jesus.


"Yes please," the gentleman responsible proclaimed.

"No," the rest of the world flatly replied. "No, thank you. Not in a million years. Not if it was the last pizza on earth. Not if the future of earth depended on eating this pizza. Bin the pizza. Bin the earth. Bin yourself."

This was not okay.

We don't need to go into the specifics of why a pea and mayonnaise pizza is bad, because much like licking turds and sucking off dogs, it just is. But sometimes you face an evil that simply cannot be understood, let alone explained.


An evil like this.

Photo: @hyrulecitizen

Yes, that is a slice of pizza dunked in a glass of milk. Yes, you are really seeing that. We would have put the original tweet in here, but the guilty party has had to go into hiding, presumably to escape the volley of abuse they're currently getting.

This is, as a '90s sitcom sidekick might say, wrong on so many levels.


Soggy pizza is worse than every kind of pizza, even burned-beyond-recognition pizza; that lovely warm slice is surely as cold as a witch's bare tit now, and what the fuck kind of flavour is 'milk'? What is milk adding to a slice of pizza besides calcium and wet sadness?

Part of living in an open and free society means that people are allowed to do as they please, providing they do so within the bounds of law and morality. They can marry, they can worship, they can even dunk pizza in a glass milk.

The flip-side is that the rest of us are free to take one look at someone dunking pizza in a glass of milk and say: "Nope. Nope, not having that. Get that milky abomination out of my face."

Photo: Pizza Masetti Craiova

If someone wants to ruin both pizza and milk then that's their prerogative, but to everyone else we say: please, if you're thinking about messing with pizza - by dunking it in milk, topping it with pea and mayonnaise, or by any other godless means - don't.

Pizza is the last pure thing we have left. Cheese, bread, tomato - there is no better combination than this. Pizza needs nothing else to achieve perfection, everything else is simply a bonus.

Pepperoni: bonus.

Spicy beef: bonus.

Jalapeño peppers: bonus.

Pea and mayonnaise: minus points.

Milk: game over.

Personal preferences are one thing, smearing cum on the Mona Lisa is another. Not all opinions are created equal; you might think a thing is good, but that does not make that thing good.

In the case of pea and mayonnaise/milky pizza, there are hundreds of years of evidence to suggest that it is definitely not good. Good things tend to be 'a thing' in the first place. These are not 'things'.

We doubt this is the first time a slice has been dunked in milk, but it is our duty as responsible citizens to see that it is the last. When you start fucking with pizza, you start fucking with the fabric of society, and there is no worse way to fuck with the fabric of society than dunking it in milk.