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04th Aug 2018

5 excuses your cheap mate uses to avoid paying for a round

Not my round...

Nooruddean Choudry

There’s always one. One tightwad in a group of mates who always manages to wangle way out of paying his dues.

And there’s always a “genuine” (not genuine) reason why he’d love to get a round in but simply can’t. He’s a skinflint, a penny-pincher – a scrooge. But he’s mortified if that allegation is ever levelled at him.

Here are a few of the textbook excuses your frugal friend always comes out with…

‘Ah bugger – left my card at home…’

Aye. Every fucking time mate. You remembered your keys, your phone, your ID and your loyalty card, but you forgot your bank card. Pity that, isn’t it? You didn’t forget to order a few pints whilst everyone else was paying, did you? Dick.

‘Bit skint mate – pay day’s not til next week…’

Nice one. That’s why you decided to come out, was it? Rather than stay at home and save your pennies, you thought you’d come out in your nice car with your brand new iPhone, and scrounge off everyone else. Because of course – we’re all wadded aren’t we? Wanker.

‘I’m on the J20 – doing a Dry August…’

Firstly, that’s not a thing. Secondly, you were having it large last week. Thirdly, so what? Since when was alcoholic content the deciding factor? Those sugary syrups cost a decent whack. Plus Tariq came out the other night and he chipped despite being on pop all night. No excuse.

‘I’m not being funny but I paid for the meal…’

In fairness, he’s got a point. He did indeed pull out his flea-bitten wallet and cough up for grub prior to arrival at the pub. What he fails to mention is that the ‘meal’ in question was a singular steak bake from Greggs. Thanks for that £1.10 delight, whilst you swig down a spirit.

‘I’ll get the next one, honest…’

Sure you will. We all know how this ends. The dickhead makes his swift pint (that someone else bought) very swift indeed, and mysteriously disappears on the way back from the toilet whilst everyone else is busy gassing. He later explains that ‘something came up’. Yes – you’re a div.